On the Eve of my 13th Anniversary of my 29th Birthday….

I haven’t blogged in a LOOOONG time. It seems that COVID and all the dysfunction that goes with it just took me, my time and the ability to pen my thoughts down for a while. I have missed it, missed sharing, missed hearing from people. 

 

I have lived A LOT of life in this 13^th Anniversary year  I survived three nerve surgeries in my arms. And am now working my way back to some type of gladiator status. (As I write, I giggle. Watching me work out is a train wreck). 

 

I have celebrated 6 years as a Mama. That little girl is seen each and every day as a huge gift that I do not deserve. As I watch her grow, my heart yearns for time to slow down. In January I started to pray for more time with her. Little did I know that we would end up partnering with an amazing school where I would be her teacher three days a week and she would be in school two. It has been a process that I fought for the first few weeks. Finding balance was SUPER difficult. Between school, work, family requirements, outside needs. But her development was worth it, consistency was worth it, a Christ centered environment was worth it. 

 

What I have learned, is my time with her is more valuable than any rubies. I am blessed to be able to be with her, to have a job, and to have a first-hand seat in her growth. Parenting is not perfect, I put change in her therapy jar every day But she is a gift and worthy of my time. 

 

I wish I could say we have traveled to come amazing place this year but…… NADA. As the year began in January, I battled what we believe was COVID (Although it was not called that at the time). In February, my niece moved in with us and began her life in Texas. March, my Mother in Law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. March school closed for COVID-never to reopen. March to April we quarantined and stayed put. Late April we learned school would not re-open for the rest of the school year. We grieved with our girl, and also knew that God was moving her on. 

 

June proved even more fun as we learned jobs were at risk. We also celebrated #11. For the next month we played the what if scenarios through our heads, making plans etc. We knew no matter if it was us or someone else, lives  were changing at rapids rates. My heart was and still is super heavy. 

 

July, I once again found myself grieving with my girl as her best girl pal moved away. So many hours spent playing through quarantine. 

 

August through this evening has been a blur. School, work, managing a teenager, health struggles with family members, holding our breath about work futures etc. Oh, and this small thing called the election,  It can be stifling. And although all of the above could be stifling, almost so hard to breath at times. Through it I can see the lessons, I can see the grace, I can see the upholding of my heavenly Father. 

 

In my 13 years since turning 29, especially there have been a few things that my heart has been tender to. 

 

1. Relationships are not something I am willing to fight for outside my close circle. Pursuing people who do not pursue me, is exhausting,  heart crushing and takes away from those who truly want to be with me. There are several whom I love dearly but I had to take a step back. Time is important. I am thankful to have some close people, some more than 20 + years by my side, who love me for me and not what they want me to be. 

 

2. Boundaries are super healthy when they are done right. They give you peace, the ability to not be used, not to be taken over, and the ability to stand my ground. I don’t bend once I communicate. 

 

3. I love talking with people about Jesus. I can spend hours telling of my Savior and how He has saved me, sustained me, and sustained my family.   His care for me leaves me speechless. I know many who would not agree with me, because there are pieces in His word that most do not agree with. I still love fiercely despite the differences, but I grieve watching people support things that grieve His heart and then cry out when their life isn’t all peaches and cream.   

 

4. Having a child with needs outside the “norm” is hard. It is exhausting and our needs are not as great as others. There are days and nights I shed tears knowing by the “worlds standards” she is may not be on the line. I am constantly reminding myself she is “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” Psalm 139:14  And yet, it is invigorating. I am constantly reminded, I had nothing to do with her creation, none of us do with our kids. HE is their creator and HE knows what the needs are. I see her heart, and see her Jesus in it. 

 

As I grown older in numbers, I crave deeper life with people, I crave to use my time wisely. I crave pounds to drop off but I am learning to accept if they do not. I grieve the current state of this world. It is sad to watch people destroy their relationships over two flawed men. 

 

I will wake up tomorrow and try my best to embrace yet another anniversary. Thinking of ones I have lost, thankful for the ones I have, and continue on the pursuit to love fiercely. 

 

This is my hearts desire this year...........

¹¹ With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith.¹² We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2^nd Thessalonians 1: 11-12

Much Love, and I look forward to writing more often,

Jennifer

Healing from the failure

5 years ago today I laid in a hospital bed for the next 23 hours 
feeling like an utter and complete failure. My body that wreaked 
havoc on me for the past ten years had finally won, and I felt 
so lost. 

But why share, why even speak? Because out of dark times, 
comes light. And, I know with all my heart there is one woman 
out there who needs to hear this story. 

I had a hysterectomy at 36, never having children, my womb 
damaged and never opening. And unless you have walked 
this road, had even one child, you will never know what it is 
like to be completely and utterly in fertile. 

Before I share anymore, I have a beautiful daughter. The 
journey to her was one nourished by Jesus and brought to
 our family by him. I don’t discount the fact that I get to 
be her mama. And as I watch her grow, we walk her story 
out together, I am incredibly thankful that job was 
bestowed upon me.

But there has been deep darkness during these years. There
 was a season that seemed to be eternity where I spent 
much time seeking out the right hormone combination so 
I didn’t kill anyone. I spent 6 months with nothing, (you all 
can ask Michael about that season) and then the journey 
to the combo began. It wasn’t until we moved to Texas that 
happened, (2.5 year later). 

My body wreaked havoc on my for 10 years, producing 9 
surgeries in an effort to battle endometriosis. And I 
thought it had won, but did it really?

My answer to that question in a lot of ways is NO. About
 6 months in a pastor saw me sitting outside our church 
listening to the service. He saw the darkness and deep 
sadness. He recommended this woman to go speak to. She 
was a saving grace in my life. 

I spent the next 3 years meeting with her weekly, and 
then eventually bi-weekly. And while be processed all of 
the feelings that come with this surgery, we dug deep. 
Deeper into my heart that I never knew was there. 
Deeper to things 20 + years old from my own childhood 
trauma. I began to see the reasons my daughter was 
PICKED for me. I could see how the wounds of my past 
were affecting me now and had been in directly for a long 
time. My onion heart began to find healing. No longer the
 band-aids where band-aids but rather healed scares. I 
began to put healthy boundaries in place with the situations 
and people that needed to be. 

I began to be able to look at babies again. Celebrate with 
friends at the births of their children. Now, there are still 
situations I will not let myself get into because there will 
always be a scar on my heart. But my story has allowed to 
me walk with friends through Infertility. It has allowed to 
say I was made to be a Trauma Mama. Genesis 1:4“God saw 
that the light was good, and he separated the light from 
the darkness”. My Father knew I had a lot of light in me, 
He made sure it came out again. 

I know there are people out there who say God created women
 to solely have babies, that is their purpose. That is so damaging 
for women like me who cannot, or even women who go through 
great lengths to even have one. But I don’t believe that. I believe 
that we each have an individual calling. For some it is to have 
multiple children in their families, serve overseas, to adopt, to 
be a shepherd of a flock etc. 

I can see now, with things happening in our lives that God set 
us up specifically the way our family is for very specific reasons. 

Now there are still things I wrestle with. There are some that l
ook at our family as not fulling God’s purpose because of the road 
it has taken. I am ok with that. I wrestle with my body not being 
the same. It is much larger than it was 5 years ago and no matter
 the effort not much changes with that. But my quality of life is 
SO much better and I don’t miss the havoc that I would experience
 on a daily basis. My HEART is so much better for it. 

I share this all to not seek out sympathy as the “barren one” but 
rather for that woman out there who is wrestling in the same spot 
I was in. Who is doubting her worth because her womb was not 
functioning. Walk through the darkness so the light came come.

 “Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing 
will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, 
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard”. Isaiah 58:8

5 Years A Mother

In March, we celebrated our 5^thFamily Day. I didn’t really post much as it was over spring break and we were hanging with the big mouse in CA. We tried to tune out from the world just for a few days and be a family. 

Today is Mother’s Day. 5 Mother’s Days for me. 5 Mother’s days that I have had to reflect on what it really is like, what I need to work on as a mother, how far we have come in our relationship and the mountain of life that we still have to go. 

Boundaries are huge for me in so many ways. They allow me to parent, deal with others and protect my heart. AS in most Mother’s Days, the church celebrates by having baby dedications. I love this, we participated when H came home. But for me, I have to avoid in order to protect my heart. So, while that part of the service was going on, I had stepped outside. I had some time to reflect. Pray and talked. 

Secretly, Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I thought for sure, by this age, my parenting experience would be so much different. We would for sure have H, and maybe another 1 or two. But that is MY plan, not God’s. And so, I wrestle with him. I never thought I would be parenting a child who came with her own bags packed from her heart. 

Now I know, Mother’s Day can be hard for so many reasons. Moms who were called home, moms who are sick, not having a good relationship with your mom, desiring to be a mom and not and so on. That is one of the reasons I do not post a ton, of what my family did, how we celebrated. 

As an infertile woman it is even harder. Let me preface this comment, if you are a mom and that child did not come out of your body, you can probably identify with what I am about to say. I have had plenty of friends battle infertility, taking great lengths to become a mom, and I have walked alongside of them. But they will not ever know the NEVER. 

Not producing a baby is hard. Raising someone else’s child is hard. Having a daughter who is high anxiety about her story is hard, having a daughter who doesn’t trust you will be there is hard. Not knowing if your bond is strong enough to withstand is hard. And the hardest, is knowing there is another woman who is grieving your daughter, in a very different way. 

And yet, each time I look at her I know that I was meant to be her mom. Unbelievably so, we have had some of the same life experiences, have experienced some of the same trauma, she is mine and I am hers, but she is also someone else’s. 

As I have parented her in the past 5 years, as she grows, parts of her story grow with her. We do not hide the parts we know, we answer her questions, hold her, love her, cry with her, and most recently sought extra help for her. 

But there are a few things that she has taught me the past 5 years:

* It is ok to hurt with her. To grieve with her, to show her that I have emotions and that there are healthy ways to deal with them. 

* Time doesn’t slow down, so live in the moment. I have given less to cleaning our home and more to spending time with her. My priorities on a daily basis change allowing flexibility for a random trip to the park, time for an in-depth discussion or just minutes to snuggle. She will remember this more than if the floors are clean. 

* It’s ok not to have all the answers. (there is not much more to say about that.)

* Don’t be afraid to cry out to Jesus in front of her. 

* I am not a horrible mother if I have to say I am sorry to her. 

*  Love her for where she is at, because she loves me that way. 

* Act like a child right alongside of her. 

For me, as a parent, if I can accomplish two things for her I will feel as though my job has been well done. Lead her heart to love Jesus with all that she is, Depend on Him for everything. And through that Loving others, serving others. The rest will fall in line with all that she is supposed to accomplish. 

I have no clue the number of days God will give me with her. And we are certainly not out of the “woods” yet as there is so much more growth for her to come. But in this moment, It is simple, I am her mom, and that is an honor I do not take lightly. 

This Year is Different.....

I am pretty excited about tomorrow, not just because it is Easter, but I have been witnessing my girl grow in her beliefs in ways I did not imagine for this year. 

We have just finished going through our resurrection eggs. Sweet friends gave us this set prior to H coming home. This was the first year we used them. Mainly because, she was not there yet to fully understand. There are so many things to share about her, and yet this story, seems most appropriate this evening. 

We have been talking with H over the past year (Intently) about what it means to put her trust in Jesus. Lots of this discussion is around trusting Jesus especially in the fact that her mom and dad will always be her mom and dad. Giving her hope in the plan He has for her. 

In late February, we were driving to school and she started to ask some pivotal questions about Jesus. Of course, I pulled over in the school parking lot, and we talked. I didn’t care that the bell was about to ring. Her eternal perspective was worth far more than a ding on her attendance record. She said “Mom, that is enough for now, but I will have more after school.” And she went on her way. 

That evening, (Michael was out) she wanted to continue her conversation. And so, we did, we also read this book that we have been going through. Come into my Heart Lord Jesus, By Stormie Omartian. This time was different, we spent intentional time on each page. Reading answering questions and reading some more. And that the end she said she was ready. 

Now of course, the mom in me was like, you are only 7, how could you understand. Something was different this time. And so, I lead her in a prayer and then told her to talk to God on her own. What took place next, was short of incredible. This mama’s heart was bursting. 

H Thanked God for her family, and for finding her. Thanked her for dying on the cross for her and then, the sweetest song came out of her mouth. Now, if you know my child, and have heard her sing, you know that generally it I humming the tune but a jumbled mess of words. However, this was clear as day:

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am

BY HillSong

I firmly believe she knew exactly what she was saying. Because of my faith, I know that He has written every one of her days, as well as everyone’s. But this, is such a pivotal part of her story. This lays the ground work for her faith, her belonging and ultimately, who her creator is. 

I have no words what it was like to witness this in my own house. I mean, I have seen people pray to Jesus before, lead them in that prayer, but my own daughter. That was beyond speechless, just as what happened on the cross. So incredible, we could never put it into words nor could we ever comprehend. 

So, as you wake up tomorrow, maybe even read this, the empty tomb fulfilled a promise and gives us hope. 

Much Love,

Jennifer

We are not out of the "Woods"

There are so many titles that I could use for this post, She Knows, The Day that Royally Stunk, The Day her Mama and Girl Cried, or the best, We Will Never Be Out of the Woods. 

I knew something was up on Wednesday. My normally sweet girl was abnormally, not herself. She was sassy as can be, didn’t want to spend time with her mama. Thursday we continued much of the same behavior. Now, I know that we all have our bad days, but this was not normal for our girl. Friday morning, We went to go get her out of her bed and it was rough. She had an accident (again not normal). But it was not just an accident, but a soak through. And, what broke this mama is that she laid in it all night afraid to get us up. 

Of course, we got her cleaned up, reassured her talked with her, but were also in a rush to get to school. On the way out the door, she started talking about China, and where she came from. As we were headed to school, a pivotal question was asked, why didn’t I come from your body. 

As I pulled into school, my thought was, this was it. A moment that I dreaded as a mom, the moment where I would make or break her story. Oh goodness, did I pray. Because I knew, the words that I needed were not coming from me. And, so in car line, I pulled over and we talked. I answered her questions. I talked through the fact that she has a birth mom and for whatever reason she was allowing me to be her mom. We processed for a few minutes, and she said I was ready to go in, so I dropped her off. 

I prayed all day long. Shed tears, thought of my girl. Then I picked my girl up. She got into the car, we begin our normal conversation. And a little bit in the ride, I heard “ Mom, I have a broken heart about this morning.” And then the tears came, and came and came. I pulled over into a parking lot, near a closed down restaurant. I held my girl. I answered her questions. We cried together. Her sweet brain began to comprehend what she started processing the night before, she has a birth mom, she left her. We don’t know who she is and we don’t know who or why. Heavy stuff for a small heart. 

I, of course can’t begin to understand how she feels. Yeah sure, I have experienced abandonment in ways, but nothing like my girl. The trauma is real and no joke. But my mama’s heart was broken beyond measure. 

I couldn’t take the pain for my baby, I couldn’t heal her heart, I couldn’t give her the answers, all I could do was love her where she was at. All the while I was screaming inside, “this is not what parenting was supposed to be.”

I don’t really know how long we were there, it seemed like eternity and yet I know it wasn’t. But in that short time, my girl grew far beyond the years a 7-year-old should. As a mom, I felt as though a piece of her innocence was gone, robbed from her to quickly. 

We will be home 5 years in March. It has flown, in respect from my baby becoming a young lady. I will never take for granted again, that we could possibly be out of the woods. That is the thing with Trauma, you are never out of the woods. It is like an ugly weed, that keeps creeping and creeping along. You can treat it, you can work through it, but it will come back. It is lifelong baggage that you carry around. 

One of the things I have found is to face it head on. Whatever the ugly beast decides to deal, you process through it, get help for it, cry through it, whatever it might take. 

As I told my girl, I don’t know why God wrote her story this way. I don’t know why HE included these pieces. But, I have no doubt that I am supposed to be her mother. Her birth mom is someone to be honored. She could have decided very differently, and my girl would not be here. But she didn’t, and that is not lost on me.  As her mom, my job is not only to raise her, but to be there through all the tears, accidents, rages, and whatever is to comes as work through things. 

I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this as an update, more so a reminder. If you know a family who has adopted, is adopting, fostering, or have kids who come from hard places, don’t forget to pray for them. Don’t forget to love on them, check in on them, not to dismiss when they say times are tough, and never forget, they are never out of the woods. 

Jennifer

 A friend sent this blog to me this morning, and I pulled this excerpt from it:

by Charonne on February 5, 2019 in Family, Honest Talk, Life, Mental Health, MKE Moms Blog, Mom, Parenting, Perspectives in Parenting

I hate you Trauma – you will not win. I don’t want to see your grasp fight for the present and the future of my children because of what they have experienced in the past.  I wish you didn’t exist and I wish that I had never needed to learn so much about you. I wish you would leave me and my children alone! But I will not let you win. You may be a part of my children’s lives, but you will not have their lives. We will fight you today and tomorrow and forever if that’s what it takes.

I am in this forever. This motherhood I dreamed of may be more difficult than I expected, but it is also more beautiful in ways that I never knew to dream for. So bring it on trauma – I’m living my dream and you won’t change that. 

Bye Bye 30's

Bye Bye 30’s

Yesterday was a milestone, so I hear from people.  Although, I would rather not admit it, I turned 40.

I spent some time leading up to this just reflecting on all the life that I have lived the past 10 years, accomplishments, goals, lessons learned etc.

I thought I would write a goodbye letter to my 30’s. I haven’t blogged in a while, I have much to say, much that has been going on. Transition has left a thick cloud in my life as I walk through it. So, maybe this is a way to kick off the blog again.

Dear 30’s,

You were a wild ride to say the least. As I reflect on all the life changes that you brought, I dub you the wild ride.

It started with walking my future Father in Law home one month in. 5 days after that I got engaged, and 6 months later I was a married woman. Marriage has proven to be nothing short of sanctify. Has been good in every way and trying in every way.

I also learned the value of being debt free, and continuing to stay that way. The fact will continue on as long as I live.

I have stayed with the same line of work for the past 10 years. In fact my 30^th, was my first birthday at this company and was lucky enough to celebrate my 40^th this past week with them as well. What a treasure it has been to be at this place.

I traveled the world in some sense. 6 trips to China, one to Italy and countless trips across the US. I can’t really say how many airline miles I have logged, but it is nothing short of thousands.

I survived 7 surgeries, losing several body parts in the process. I battled a nasty disease, that resulted in my womb being evicted forever. This was rough to say the least. Three years later I can say that I am better for it, although the label of infertile, will always haunt me. My body has changed in ways that I am still working on trying to fix.

I became a mom, that was no small feat. 30 months, lots and lots of paperwork, social workers, background checks, medical exams, allowed me to be a mama to a sweet girl I traveled 12,000 miles to bring home. Not what I thought it would look like, and yet everything that I imagined and more.

I walked my Grandma home. I miss her everyday, but what an honor it was to be present through her last years of life in a real big way. It allowed me to see her more, love on her and have the honor of knowing that I served her as best I could.

Both my parents got married and divorced in this decade. It has been a good learning process to say the least walking with them through these processes.

I have watched, walked and learned through many relationship changes. Someone so close to home, they have broken my heart, however I have full trust in the fact that they can be redeemed someday.

The great move to Texas. We had built a community in GA, a family that we dearly loved. I had to leave those who know the depths of my soul, and learn that community does not have to be right in front of you. It can come in all forms and be good.

And these are just a few small listings of things that took place. There are so many many more. But I think the greatest that I walk away with from my 30’s is the work I did on myself. It was a decade of ups and downs that came with hours upon hours of work on my heart. I have processed through the past, years beyond what I thought I could. I have learned to not let others actions rule my emotions, to know when to step away and let things be. To say it is not ok to treat me this way. I have learned that I truly am a person of value and a person who deserves to be loved. I have learned the value of serving others, loving till it hurts and even when it does not make sense.

I don’t think I could be looking at 40 with the set of eyes I am without the 30’s taking place. This world is a crazy place, people are up in arms for small things and big things. People can hate and allow that hate to grow and grow to a wall bigger than the Great Wall and hurt because of it. For me, that is not who I want to be. Doesn’t matter if what color runs through me, my belief in Jesus and my love for others will guide my 40’s.

I am learning to embrace this new decade, with a thankfulness for all that I have lived so far, all that I have seen and with the notion that I was put on this earth for specific reasons. My hope is that I can execute those reasons even better than I did in the last decade.

Thank you for your birthday wishes and kind words,

Jennifer