Permamency

As a young child, did you ever question if your family was permanent? Did you ever question if your parents would be there when you wake up? Or be so scared to sleep because once you did the house would empty and you would be alone? For most of us, that was not the case. We didn't really doubt the level of permanency in the families in which we grew up, but my girl does.

As we about to enter month 23 as a family, the idea for my girl that we are a permanent family is on the forefront of her mind. You read that right, the idea. Almost two years in, she is still waiting for the bottom to fall out. She goes to bed with a heart so full of anxiety that she will wake up alone, she won't fall asleep.  She continually makes statements " I love my mom and dad, I like my mom and dad, I am scared you will leave, we are a family, my mom and dad will leave me, I am glad you are my mom and dad" and so on. We run the full circle of emotion on a daily basis.

Her sweet little heart is afraid to attach to the life she has for fear the good will disappear. And it is no wonder, in her mind all the good she attached to did disappear, when she came home. Her sweet heart is afraid to say, this is good and I am ok with that.

Bed time rolls around and her anxiety level creeps in. Regardless if she has had down time or not that day, she is hyped up for fear of falling asleep. A bath is not a calming force, reading is not longer calming, and her swing (to long to explain) doesn't do the trick anymore either. The tears flow, the constant questions of checking on her, don't leave me etc come rolling in.

And so we have put this in, a special bed. Her special place, a sanctuary of security tucked on the floor in a room where security is sleeping just feet away. She brings her own pillow, blankets, and guys and snuggles in. Doesn't matter if anyone is in the other bed, She knows eventually there will
be. She knows she can fall asleep and she has not been left for sure. She knows and feels safe.


It breaks my heart as a mama to know almost two years later to know her heart still beats with insecurity about being in a family. I have read and talked with several other parents to expect this for at least double the time she was in the orphanage. Which for us would equal 56 months! And, in someways, the insecurity could be with her the rest of her life. My prayer it is not, my prayer is she grows in the knowledge of us as in other things. I see it coming, just slowly. But that is ok, it's baby steps for us and we are ok with that. Just the other night she came out of her room and asked for prayer. We are on the right track, lets battle this through the ultimate my girl!!!

So if you happen to be in your own bed time routine, think of her and all the other little hearts who are in the state of not knowing if they should attach and hold onto their good situation for the fear it might fall out.