In March, we celebrated our 5thFamily Day. I didn’t really post much as it was over spring break and we were hanging with the big mouse in CA. We tried to tune out from the world just for a few days and be a family.
Today is Mother’s Day. 5 Mother’s Days for me. 5 Mother’s days that I have had to reflect on what it really is like, what I need to work on as a mother, how far we have come in our relationship and the mountain of life that we still have to go.
Boundaries are huge for me in so many ways. They allow me to parent, deal with others and protect my heart. AS in most Mother’s Days, the church celebrates by having baby dedications. I love this, we participated when H came home. But for me, I have to avoid in order to protect my heart. So, while that part of the service was going on, I had stepped outside. I had some time to reflect. Pray and talked.
Secretly, Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I thought for sure, by this age, my parenting experience would be so much different. We would for sure have H, and maybe another 1 or two. But that is MY plan, not God’s. And so, I wrestle with him. I never thought I would be parenting a child who came with her own bags packed from her heart.
Now I know, Mother’s Day can be hard for so many reasons. Moms who were called home, moms who are sick, not having a good relationship with your mom, desiring to be a mom and not and so on. That is one of the reasons I do not post a ton, of what my family did, how we celebrated.
As an infertile woman it is even harder. Let me preface this comment, if you are a mom and that child did not come out of your body, you can probably identify with what I am about to say. I have had plenty of friends battle infertility, taking great lengths to become a mom, and I have walked alongside of them. But they will not ever know the NEVER.
Not producing a baby is hard. Raising someone else’s child is hard. Having a daughter who is high anxiety about her story is hard, having a daughter who doesn’t trust you will be there is hard. Not knowing if your bond is strong enough to withstand is hard. And the hardest, is knowing there is another woman who is grieving your daughter, in a very different way.
And yet, each time I look at her I know that I was meant to be her mom. Unbelievably so, we have had some of the same life experiences, have experienced some of the same trauma, she is mine and I am hers, but she is also someone else’s.
As I have parented her in the past 5 years, as she grows, parts of her story grow with her. We do not hide the parts we know, we answer her questions, hold her, love her, cry with her, and most recently sought extra help for her.
But there are a few things that she has taught me the past 5 years:
* It is ok to hurt with her. To grieve with her, to show her that I have emotions and that there are healthy ways to deal with them.
* Time doesn’t slow down, so live in the moment. I have given less to cleaning our home and more to spending time with her. My priorities on a daily basis change allowing flexibility for a random trip to the park, time for an in-depth discussion or just minutes to snuggle. She will remember this more than if the floors are clean.
* It’s ok not to have all the answers. (there is not much more to say about that.)
* Don’t be afraid to cry out to Jesus in front of her.
* I am not a horrible mother if I have to say I am sorry to her.
* Love her for where she is at, because she loves me that way.
* Act like a child right alongside of her.
For me, as a parent, if I can accomplish two things for her I will feel as though my job has been well done. Lead her heart to love Jesus with all that she is, Depend on Him for everything. And through that Loving others, serving others. The rest will fall in line with all that she is supposed to accomplish.
I have no clue the number of days God will give me with her. And we are certainly not out of the “woods” yet as there is so much more growth for her to come. But in this moment, It is simple, I am her mom, and that is an honor I do not take lightly.
