17 months to 20 years

17 months….. 20 years      

It has been a big couple of days in this house. On the 12^th, our sweet gal started Preschool. It was a big day for us. We had been working for 6-8 months before that on getting her comfortable on being left in a “preschool” setting. She had been attending a mothers morning out and some other things in preparation. And so when the big day came, we were the only one with happy tears.

We went to meet the teacher the day before. We walked in and Hosanna was so excited to sit in her seat. She shook her teachers hand, checked things out and we left. She has 11 boys in her class and then two other girls.

And then the first day came. By the looks of the pictures, you can tell that she was really excited.

The night before I found myself doing a lot of reflecting. We were 4 days short of being a family 17months. There has been so much change in the 17months. I can see now why people day it goes fast. For us, it seems like it has been warp speed.

In the first 17months we have been home……

Gone through a high chair, and booster seat.

The crib went to a toddler bed and then gone all together for a big girl bed.

We have gone from a 24 month clothing to a 5T.

The vocabulary base has been increased and increased over and over to forming 4-5 word sentences.

Night terrors are few and far between.

We are talking about China more and more.

Mom and dad can walk out of the house without a lot of trauma.

Buddies are being formed.

There are very distinct likes and dislikes.

She can take a shower.

It is incredible how she puts concepts together.

She has about 85% mobility of her arm and steadily gaining mobility in her hand.

We are potty training and making great strides. Almost out of diapers!!!

She getting more confident when we leave the house, we will come home, even if we sleep somewhere else.

She has a love of music

Her imagination is incredible.

In short, we have gone from a baby to almost a kindergartener in 17 months. We are so proud of the strides that we have made. And while there are still more hurdles to overcome (And more than likely will always be) We are excited for the path that God has her on. One of the best things that we could have done over the past year and half was keep her home. I am thankful I got to be here with her, transition with her day in and day out. And I am glad that we did a gradual work up to going to school. It was the best for her. 

So this mama shed a few tears that day. Tears of joy, tears of Holy Cow the next 20 years we will be in school, and tears of letting her baby girl go one small step at a time.

Oh the places you will go my sweet girl,

Jennifer

The grace in disappointment

I am amazed as I write this, that I am even thinking about posting it. Why I feel this incredible amount of shame as I write is really baffling to me. But I know where it comes from. Our society has dictated expectations about it all my life, people in my own family and flippant comments from the world, have all participated in the commenting on and influencing on my life. But as we have experienced this head on over the years and it rearing it’s ugly head in the past couple of months, it is time in sort, to speak out about it. And really why not, this is the freedom I am given living here, and why should I and others like me walk in shame.

Not to many know, in fact just a small group of prayer warriors we have been communicating with know that we have been going through fertility treatments the past couple of months. Now, we are not doing IVF, or IUI’s, we drew a line long ago where we would stop, but we are trying with fertility drugs and such. And all attempts have failed.

When I had my surgery in April, it was the third and final attempt to stave off the endometriosis that chronically wreaks havoc on my body. It was the last surgery I will be having. The next will be to take it all out and finally put an end to it. But it was also prime opportunity and the best opportunity at having a baby. Now, I have never been one that has had the “need” to produce my own child. I see the benefits and experience the joy of not, each and everyday.. But what I have realized in these couple of months, is that the parts of me that cry out, are those that realize it will more than likely be 2-3 years before our next child enters this home. When you walk out adoption, it takes a while for not just paperwork, but also to put the money together. And yes, there are cheaper ways to adopt, but they may not be a fit for us. And, then the mind whirls with, what if our next child doesn’t like us, the battle for building a bond will be real etc.

So we thought we would go for it. The drugs were covered for the most part under our insurance. The Dr. said up to three rounds she would allow. The side effects have been pretty rough to say the least. And unfortunately, we are stopping at two rounds. After discussing with the Dr. last week about the side effects, the failed attempts along with cysts now growing, it is just not wise to continue. But it is also the emotional toll. Of hoping, praying, and then see this…..

It takes a toll on the heart.

We choose not to tell to many mainly because we didn’t want the questions. How to do you feel? Know anything yet? Etc. But before we started we also knew that we were not done with adoption. Oddly enough, I did not have huge expectations with this drug. I think in a sense my own flesh was trying to mess with God’s plan for our family.

So we are now talking about the next adoption, when to start, where, boy or girl, financial pieces…… Praying praying praying.

So our family more than likely will not be a big family. When you are pushing 40, and the kids coming into your home are in 3-5 year increments, well you can do the math.  I am still trying to gear myself up for adoption number two, I can’t imagine the folks that go through this 5,6,7,8,9 etc times. It actually blows my mind. But I also am beginning to see the expectations that people put on small families. In some cases I feel looked down upon by those that have larger families. It’s is almost like people think we don’t understand what it is like to manage multiple schedules, what it is like to have to take our kid places, balancing seeing people, traveling. We manage multiple schedules, including therapy, evaluations for different things, both of us working, school, out of school activities. We manage the regression moments, the stress traveling puts on our girl, how she has nightmares when she is shuffled around. The moments when there is no connection between us and her, and many other things not listed there.

Please do not ever say you don’t know what it is like to have a large family. You are right I don’t know what it is like, I never pretend to know what it is like, and I probably never will know what it is like. But I also know what works for my child and what doesn’t. I know what boundaries to set in place to protect her, I know where we have flexibility to push her and where it is just to much.

What I have learned through this process is to face it head on. Not to stuff it, not to hide behind it, and not to be silent. Not to walk in the shame. We grieve, but we are also thankful families are not just built by birthing in a hospital, but I am thankful that my heavenly Father made another way. I don’t know why God gives people desires on their heart, and decides to fill them in other ways. I sit in my mini van and think, why in the world did we get this car. We will more than likely never fill the seats with our kids, and yet maybe we can fill them with others kids that we can minister to. But I also rest in the hope that my God is way bigger, and HE can choose to change his mind in the end. And if He doesn't it is ok, we are praying for where the next addition to our family will come from. 

What do you see??

So when you see this picture, What do you see? First thought?

This picture has been circulating around the adoption community for a couple of weeks. I find myself at times just staring at it, praying for this little gal. What I have been most appalled by at times is comments that people have made.

Seeing the postings under the picture, some go like this…..

How could someone be so cruel

I guess her mother did not love her

That is awful that her parents would abandon her

They are horrible people

How could a mother do this

And so I ask again, what do you see? Do you fall under the category above

This is what I see……

I see complete and total love.

I see A mother who was willing to no abort, but give birth to a child that she maybe she knowingly could not take care of.

I see a child placed in a spot that they would be found. Not in a dumpster, paper bag off somewhere where they would more than likely not make it. 

I see a parent who probably made a gut wrenching decision, because maybe this child has a special need they felt like they could not take on.

I see that more than likely this little ones parents are watching, to ensure that the basket will be found. Watching someone walk away with their child. 

I see a child wrapped in many blankets of love, with diapers and more than likely food somewhere in that basket.

I see an opportunity for a new life for this little one.

I see an opportunity for God to move someone’s heart to make her part of their forever family.

I see an opportunity to be used in a mighty way.

I see my daughter- she was abandoned in some manner at such a young age, could this have been what it would have looked like for her?

I see a reminder that my girls mama made an amazing decision that made me a mama.

This is our gal, the day she was found. Still wrapped in all the love. The orphanage gave this to us with many other treasures they took through her time there. 

Does your initial reaction change, when there is a face with a name in that basket??

What I see is an amazing selfless act of love, and another opportunity for an amazing act of selfless love. This is how it all begins.

Reflecting,

Jennifer

Trust Bucket

So much to write, choosing a topic is really hard. This month as been met with some set backs in bonding with our daughter. But there is much to learn through the setbacks and the exhaustive days.

The trust bucket, I have to remember that this is still being filled for our girl. I can’t for a moment, take for granted that we have built a complete trust with her. Simple things like traveling for almost three weeks straight and then coming home, with her dad leaving shortly after for a couple of days, will dump the trust bucket. Waking up way to early from a nap finding mom and dad gone (for an hour) will dump the trust bucket. Getting a big girl bed, despite the excitement, dumps the trust bucket.

All of these creates anxiety and probably brings feelings of abandonment rushing back into her small heart and brain. It is hard to take, it breaks down our connection that we have worked so hard to build. It wears slowly on our hearts and minds along with energy levels. It makes being a parent that parents through connection rather than authority really hard to pour into. But at the same time, I am also very very aware of how we have been given a ton of grace, because our girl, is doing much much better than some kids with her attachment. And for that, I am grateful. But it doesn’t mean that it has not taken the wind out of my sails at moments.

At the same time, while all this has been happening, there has been grace and eyes to see areas in which she needs some additional help. And we are thankful for that. I am not to sure that I would have seen it if this regression would have happened. So, through research, and consulting with folks of wisdom, we are bringing in some additional therapy for her along with some additional therapy tools that we will be building.

And even more so, there has been some I have learned about myself during this time. For the first time in my faith walk, I watched a crucifixion scene. Since I became a believer about 11 years ago, I have never seen a movie, show etc that depicted the crucifixion. Until, Easter evening when we were watching the AD series. That was the first time I saw it. And the first time, I ever grieved how many times by Heavenly Father tried to connect with me and I poured out the trust bucket. It was the first time (Although depicted based on what some interprets) that really began to understand and grieve what my Father went through for me. And it has given me a renewed sense of, I can walk this road with my girl. Just as I was worth to hang on the cross for and she was, my connecting with her is just as important and my connection with my Father.

This thing called adoption is indeed an incredible experience that continues on, there will never been a time when it is over. While the paperwork is over, it is “official” in the eyes of government and the fees have been paid, it will never be over. Not only did having a child change me, but the adoption piece added to that has changed the way I see life. It has changed the way I look at trials, the way I see joy, it has taught me who family is, and what true friends are. I have learned a great deal about flexibility, encouragement, loving when someone is unlovable, little things to some being huge celebrations in this house. But I am also learning a lot about connection vs authority and the time and investment that goes into true connection. It is not a given that should ever been taken for granted.

We have had some great celebrations this past month. Buttoning a sweater on her own, was a party on one Friday night. For 7 months she has worked in therapy to do this, the little 25 lb gal we held a year ago who could not move her arm or hand, could now button her sweater. Her GREAT HEALER indeed was working on it. That alone allows me to say with full confidence, I really don’t care that she is not potty trained. While yes, I would love for her to be, it will happen. I would love to people to stop asking me why she is not, or wonder if it has happened, or better yet bulge their eyes at me in public because I am changing her diaper, I just don’t care. It will eventually come. (Please stop asking!!!) She will eventually get it, but this, the buttoning it took months and months of hard work. We have bigger fish to fry than a box of diapers every month.

Speaking of which, please be praying for my girl especially. On Monday I will be having surgery. And, while I will not post the details here, it will require a couple of weeks of down time for me from the norm. My prayer is that I can find ways to connect out of the norm so that we can continue this great work of attachment. It is funny, I had someone say to me a couple of weeks ago, I hope that this surgery produces a chance for you to experience having your own child. And I thought to myself, sure that would be cool. But, what I really wanted to say out loud was, it really doesn’t matter. While there is some grief there, it is not the end of the world. I am not incomplete because of how my family is created. And while, this process is tiring, I would do it all over again. If called because, there are plenty other babies waiting in the wings for their moms and dads. 

I was listening to a sermon series on a chapter of the bible. And there was a statement that was made, that has stuck with me “The more your life is about you, the more of a pathetic life you will live.”

Filling the bucket one spoon full at a time,

Jennifer

Sitting on the boxes that 6 hours later would be her big girl bed

The finished product