September.... Birthday..... Family Vacation.... Tons of Fun

It is fitting to post today. According to the Chinese government we have officially been parents 18 months. Crazy how times flies and yet at others moves at a molasses pace.

September has been a big month in this house. Hosanna turned 4 in early September. We had such a great time celebrating with her. Fabulous friends of ours dressed up like the Wiggles and made an appearance at her party. She was star struck! We had a blast. And then we were off!!! On our first family vacation.

Yes, we have traveled since we have been home with Hosanna. All the trips were to see family (which is great), Take care of my grandma etc. There was not really an extended time beyond a weekend that was devoted to our family. So our destination of choice was DISNEY!!! We were stoked. We saved for the past 9 months for the trip. We had a few stops along the way. We only did two days at the same park, which in the end worked out to be perfect for her. But we protected our time. Unfortunately, we said no to connecting with a lot of people, not that we didn’t want to see them, but we needed this time. She needed this time.

As September rolled around we noticed a change in behavior of Hosanna. Little things were very triggering. School started which was a huge change, and well, September is where her story began. It is where she met this world, it is where her China mama made a very hard decision, it is where she met her orphanage and the care taker she would have for the next 28 months. And although she was young, she is still triggered through all of that and the round about time it all happened.

So, we needed this time. We left GA, headed to FL. Spent the night at the beach, woke up with our Birthday Girl and played. We got to see great cousins and celebrate with them and then head to Disney.

Disney is incredible it’s self. Such a fun place to retreat and be silly, but oh seeing it through your child’s eyes We spent most of the first day meeting characters, getting autographs. It took about 5 rides, and then Hosanna was all in. Sold on it, loved it! And our girl LOVES roller coasters! LOVES is probably not even the right word to describe it. She is certainly a thrill seeker.

We had a ton of fun, can’t wait for the family time again.

Fresh off of Splash Mountain

Stay at Home Mom

Labels…. We all have them. Some can be as simple as son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, uncle etc. Some come with relationships as they expand, friend, accountability partner, believer. And then others come from other people, they can be helpful, and they can be hurtful. There is one label this past year that I have worn, one that I have not talked about much, one that I have struggled fitting into and frankly one that I never thought I would wear: Stay at Home Mom.

It was one year ago I walked out of the doors of a place that I loved to be. From a job that I treasured. A job that was stretching and rewarding at the same time. One, where a ton of work happened on my heart. One, where my GA family was formed. One, that I toyed with for weeks about letting go of. And so, we made the decision for me to go, it would be best for our girl, best for the attachment, best for our family. A decision that we worked very hard to get to. I walked out of those doors grateful for my time, grateful for all God did in my heart through that place, and became a stay at home mom. Another great unknown.

I haven’t talked much about this transition this year. I have been more focused on really processing through our adoption. Being real despite how people judge me to be. But this…. It was a HARD transition.

It is funny, when most people ask me about it, the usual statement is “you are so lucky”. “that would be my dream”. Yes I am lucky! I don’t discount that one bit, however I think the rose colored glasses are present in those comments. This by far has been one of my hardest jobs I have ever had.

Finding the healthy balance for self-care VS care of my home. Balance with relationships outside of my house and having the energy to maintain. Trying to break into the at home mommy crowd.

Being creative with my time at home with her, to engage, educate, love, grow and shape. Walking with her through the wee hours of nightmares and such. While maintaining a home, finding therapy, Dr. visits etc. To me it would have been way easier to be at the officeJ

And yet, it has been one of my most rewarding jobs. I am glad that I had the time to do the leg work to find her a good therapist. I am glad that I had the time to adjust with her. I am glad we have had the time to play. It is funny, now that she is in school for three days a week people ask “What are you going to do with yourself?” People she is in school for 3 hours a day. Not like it is all day. I certainly do not sit home and eat bon bons all day.

I since have gotten a little part time job. Partly because I needed the interaction and partly because my girl and her dad needed some time alone, I have gained a new perspective on work. If I am not happy doing it, it is not worth being away from my family. I am thankful for this little gig I have. It has provided for us in incredible ways. It has been a good stretch for Hosanna and a good stretch for me.

Hitting the year mark, I realize this is one label that I wear with pride, and a grateful heart. I recognize that not everyone gets to be in this spot. It doesn’t make anyone more of a mom or less than a mom. In the end we are all mom’s one in the same. Our offices just might look a little bit different.

Jennifer

17 months to 20 years

17 months….. 20 years      

It has been a big couple of days in this house. On the 12^th, our sweet gal started Preschool. It was a big day for us. We had been working for 6-8 months before that on getting her comfortable on being left in a “preschool” setting. She had been attending a mothers morning out and some other things in preparation. And so when the big day came, we were the only one with happy tears.

We went to meet the teacher the day before. We walked in and Hosanna was so excited to sit in her seat. She shook her teachers hand, checked things out and we left. She has 11 boys in her class and then two other girls.

And then the first day came. By the looks of the pictures, you can tell that she was really excited.

The night before I found myself doing a lot of reflecting. We were 4 days short of being a family 17months. There has been so much change in the 17months. I can see now why people day it goes fast. For us, it seems like it has been warp speed.

In the first 17months we have been home……

Gone through a high chair, and booster seat.

The crib went to a toddler bed and then gone all together for a big girl bed.

We have gone from a 24 month clothing to a 5T.

The vocabulary base has been increased and increased over and over to forming 4-5 word sentences.

Night terrors are few and far between.

We are talking about China more and more.

Mom and dad can walk out of the house without a lot of trauma.

Buddies are being formed.

There are very distinct likes and dislikes.

She can take a shower.

It is incredible how she puts concepts together.

She has about 85% mobility of her arm and steadily gaining mobility in her hand.

We are potty training and making great strides. Almost out of diapers!!!

She getting more confident when we leave the house, we will come home, even if we sleep somewhere else.

She has a love of music

Her imagination is incredible.

In short, we have gone from a baby to almost a kindergartener in 17 months. We are so proud of the strides that we have made. And while there are still more hurdles to overcome (And more than likely will always be) We are excited for the path that God has her on. One of the best things that we could have done over the past year and half was keep her home. I am thankful I got to be here with her, transition with her day in and day out. And I am glad that we did a gradual work up to going to school. It was the best for her. 

So this mama shed a few tears that day. Tears of joy, tears of Holy Cow the next 20 years we will be in school, and tears of letting her baby girl go one small step at a time.

Oh the places you will go my sweet girl,

Jennifer

The grace in disappointment

I am amazed as I write this, that I am even thinking about posting it. Why I feel this incredible amount of shame as I write is really baffling to me. But I know where it comes from. Our society has dictated expectations about it all my life, people in my own family and flippant comments from the world, have all participated in the commenting on and influencing on my life. But as we have experienced this head on over the years and it rearing it’s ugly head in the past couple of months, it is time in sort, to speak out about it. And really why not, this is the freedom I am given living here, and why should I and others like me walk in shame.

Not to many know, in fact just a small group of prayer warriors we have been communicating with know that we have been going through fertility treatments the past couple of months. Now, we are not doing IVF, or IUI’s, we drew a line long ago where we would stop, but we are trying with fertility drugs and such. And all attempts have failed.

When I had my surgery in April, it was the third and final attempt to stave off the endometriosis that chronically wreaks havoc on my body. It was the last surgery I will be having. The next will be to take it all out and finally put an end to it. But it was also prime opportunity and the best opportunity at having a baby. Now, I have never been one that has had the “need” to produce my own child. I see the benefits and experience the joy of not, each and everyday.. But what I have realized in these couple of months, is that the parts of me that cry out, are those that realize it will more than likely be 2-3 years before our next child enters this home. When you walk out adoption, it takes a while for not just paperwork, but also to put the money together. And yes, there are cheaper ways to adopt, but they may not be a fit for us. And, then the mind whirls with, what if our next child doesn’t like us, the battle for building a bond will be real etc.

So we thought we would go for it. The drugs were covered for the most part under our insurance. The Dr. said up to three rounds she would allow. The side effects have been pretty rough to say the least. And unfortunately, we are stopping at two rounds. After discussing with the Dr. last week about the side effects, the failed attempts along with cysts now growing, it is just not wise to continue. But it is also the emotional toll. Of hoping, praying, and then see this…..

It takes a toll on the heart.

We choose not to tell to many mainly because we didn’t want the questions. How to do you feel? Know anything yet? Etc. But before we started we also knew that we were not done with adoption. Oddly enough, I did not have huge expectations with this drug. I think in a sense my own flesh was trying to mess with God’s plan for our family.

So we are now talking about the next adoption, when to start, where, boy or girl, financial pieces…… Praying praying praying.

So our family more than likely will not be a big family. When you are pushing 40, and the kids coming into your home are in 3-5 year increments, well you can do the math.  I am still trying to gear myself up for adoption number two, I can’t imagine the folks that go through this 5,6,7,8,9 etc times. It actually blows my mind. But I also am beginning to see the expectations that people put on small families. In some cases I feel looked down upon by those that have larger families. It’s is almost like people think we don’t understand what it is like to manage multiple schedules, what it is like to have to take our kid places, balancing seeing people, traveling. We manage multiple schedules, including therapy, evaluations for different things, both of us working, school, out of school activities. We manage the regression moments, the stress traveling puts on our girl, how she has nightmares when she is shuffled around. The moments when there is no connection between us and her, and many other things not listed there.

Please do not ever say you don’t know what it is like to have a large family. You are right I don’t know what it is like, I never pretend to know what it is like, and I probably never will know what it is like. But I also know what works for my child and what doesn’t. I know what boundaries to set in place to protect her, I know where we have flexibility to push her and where it is just to much.

What I have learned through this process is to face it head on. Not to stuff it, not to hide behind it, and not to be silent. Not to walk in the shame. We grieve, but we are also thankful families are not just built by birthing in a hospital, but I am thankful that my heavenly Father made another way. I don’t know why God gives people desires on their heart, and decides to fill them in other ways. I sit in my mini van and think, why in the world did we get this car. We will more than likely never fill the seats with our kids, and yet maybe we can fill them with others kids that we can minister to. But I also rest in the hope that my God is way bigger, and HE can choose to change his mind in the end. And if He doesn't it is ok, we are praying for where the next addition to our family will come from.