What do you see??

So when you see this picture, What do you see? First thought?

This picture has been circulating around the adoption community for a couple of weeks. I find myself at times just staring at it, praying for this little gal. What I have been most appalled by at times is comments that people have made.

Seeing the postings under the picture, some go like this…..

How could someone be so cruel

I guess her mother did not love her

That is awful that her parents would abandon her

They are horrible people

How could a mother do this

And so I ask again, what do you see? Do you fall under the category above

This is what I see……

I see complete and total love.

I see A mother who was willing to no abort, but give birth to a child that she maybe she knowingly could not take care of.

I see a child placed in a spot that they would be found. Not in a dumpster, paper bag off somewhere where they would more than likely not make it. 

I see a parent who probably made a gut wrenching decision, because maybe this child has a special need they felt like they could not take on.

I see that more than likely this little ones parents are watching, to ensure that the basket will be found. Watching someone walk away with their child. 

I see a child wrapped in many blankets of love, with diapers and more than likely food somewhere in that basket.

I see an opportunity for a new life for this little one.

I see an opportunity for God to move someone’s heart to make her part of their forever family.

I see an opportunity to be used in a mighty way.

I see my daughter- she was abandoned in some manner at such a young age, could this have been what it would have looked like for her?

I see a reminder that my girls mama made an amazing decision that made me a mama.

This is our gal, the day she was found. Still wrapped in all the love. The orphanage gave this to us with many other treasures they took through her time there. 

Does your initial reaction change, when there is a face with a name in that basket??

What I see is an amazing selfless act of love, and another opportunity for an amazing act of selfless love. This is how it all begins.

Reflecting,

Jennifer

Trust Bucket

So much to write, choosing a topic is really hard. This month as been met with some set backs in bonding with our daughter. But there is much to learn through the setbacks and the exhaustive days.

The trust bucket, I have to remember that this is still being filled for our girl. I can’t for a moment, take for granted that we have built a complete trust with her. Simple things like traveling for almost three weeks straight and then coming home, with her dad leaving shortly after for a couple of days, will dump the trust bucket. Waking up way to early from a nap finding mom and dad gone (for an hour) will dump the trust bucket. Getting a big girl bed, despite the excitement, dumps the trust bucket.

All of these creates anxiety and probably brings feelings of abandonment rushing back into her small heart and brain. It is hard to take, it breaks down our connection that we have worked so hard to build. It wears slowly on our hearts and minds along with energy levels. It makes being a parent that parents through connection rather than authority really hard to pour into. But at the same time, I am also very very aware of how we have been given a ton of grace, because our girl, is doing much much better than some kids with her attachment. And for that, I am grateful. But it doesn’t mean that it has not taken the wind out of my sails at moments.

At the same time, while all this has been happening, there has been grace and eyes to see areas in which she needs some additional help. And we are thankful for that. I am not to sure that I would have seen it if this regression would have happened. So, through research, and consulting with folks of wisdom, we are bringing in some additional therapy for her along with some additional therapy tools that we will be building.

And even more so, there has been some I have learned about myself during this time. For the first time in my faith walk, I watched a crucifixion scene. Since I became a believer about 11 years ago, I have never seen a movie, show etc that depicted the crucifixion. Until, Easter evening when we were watching the AD series. That was the first time I saw it. And the first time, I ever grieved how many times by Heavenly Father tried to connect with me and I poured out the trust bucket. It was the first time (Although depicted based on what some interprets) that really began to understand and grieve what my Father went through for me. And it has given me a renewed sense of, I can walk this road with my girl. Just as I was worth to hang on the cross for and she was, my connecting with her is just as important and my connection with my Father.

This thing called adoption is indeed an incredible experience that continues on, there will never been a time when it is over. While the paperwork is over, it is “official” in the eyes of government and the fees have been paid, it will never be over. Not only did having a child change me, but the adoption piece added to that has changed the way I see life. It has changed the way I look at trials, the way I see joy, it has taught me who family is, and what true friends are. I have learned a great deal about flexibility, encouragement, loving when someone is unlovable, little things to some being huge celebrations in this house. But I am also learning a lot about connection vs authority and the time and investment that goes into true connection. It is not a given that should ever been taken for granted.

We have had some great celebrations this past month. Buttoning a sweater on her own, was a party on one Friday night. For 7 months she has worked in therapy to do this, the little 25 lb gal we held a year ago who could not move her arm or hand, could now button her sweater. Her GREAT HEALER indeed was working on it. That alone allows me to say with full confidence, I really don’t care that she is not potty trained. While yes, I would love for her to be, it will happen. I would love to people to stop asking me why she is not, or wonder if it has happened, or better yet bulge their eyes at me in public because I am changing her diaper, I just don’t care. It will eventually come. (Please stop asking!!!) She will eventually get it, but this, the buttoning it took months and months of hard work. We have bigger fish to fry than a box of diapers every month.

Speaking of which, please be praying for my girl especially. On Monday I will be having surgery. And, while I will not post the details here, it will require a couple of weeks of down time for me from the norm. My prayer is that I can find ways to connect out of the norm so that we can continue this great work of attachment. It is funny, I had someone say to me a couple of weeks ago, I hope that this surgery produces a chance for you to experience having your own child. And I thought to myself, sure that would be cool. But, what I really wanted to say out loud was, it really doesn’t matter. While there is some grief there, it is not the end of the world. I am not incomplete because of how my family is created. And while, this process is tiring, I would do it all over again. If called because, there are plenty other babies waiting in the wings for their moms and dads. 

I was listening to a sermon series on a chapter of the bible. And there was a statement that was made, that has stuck with me “The more your life is about you, the more of a pathetic life you will live.”

Filling the bucket one spoon full at a time,

Jennifer

Sitting on the boxes that 6 hours later would be her big girl bed

The finished product

Family Day

Family Day :Aka the day that we were brought together as a family. Sometimes in the adoption world called Gotcha Day.

Yesterday we celebrated our first Family Day.  As Michael and I mulled over how we were going to celebrate and acknowledge this day, we knew for us, that Gotcha Day just did not work. For us, it just did not feel like the right word for our family. For us, it meant more than just “getting” our girl, but it was really the day that we became a family.

We had also decided that there would be no gifts. It is not her birthday, and so we really did not want to treat it as such. Because the day was about becoming a family, we wanted to spend the day as a family, we also knew that evening we wanted to meet up with Cathy, who had shared the day with us in China. So we did just that.

We started out with a special doughnut breakfast, (She was so excited that she actually rolled all over her bed when she saw them). We piled into the car and headed to the aquarium. We spent hours looking at fish, exploring, and watching our first 3D movie. From there we headed over to the park, and had a picnic lunch, topped off with a frozen lemonade from Chick Fil A. (Side bar….. if you had not had one, you better not try them. They are sin in a cupJ). Came home took a nap and headed out for tacos. We choose that because it was one of the meals we had enjoyed in China. There we sat in a jail cell in the restaurant, munching on chips and reflecting that  year ago, we were sitting in a Mexican restaurant in China, munching on chips.

So reflections on the past year…….

For one year I have been a mom. In this past year, I have celebrated every first holiday with my girl, I have watched her grow 5 inches and gain 14lbs. I have gone from essentially having a baby to almost a kindergartener. (big pill to swallow)

She has a joyful personality (most of the timeJ) that  lights up a room. She is growing a very compassionate heart as she learns about feelings and her heart. Her love for Jesus is growing. She has a desire for everyone to do everything together. She loves to be outside and be in water. Singing, music, dance bring her the greatest joy.

I am humbled as her mama that this year has gone as it has. Our transition, while it has not been perfect, but it has been fairly smooth. (granted that by no means, we are taking for granted that we are out of the woods yet). But mostly in part, our year has been smooth. We have gotten over some great great hurdles, and are thankful for that.

I was asked the other day, now that we have reached the year mark, do I feel like my child completes me. My answer to this question is two fold. No, I do not think my kid completes me. In fact that was never a thought in my mind. I can’t imagine putting that expectation on another person, let alone a child. Yes, she has enriched my life greatly. Taught me lessons on my own selfishness that I never knew, and have brought me great joy but her “job” here on earth was not to complete me.

But with that also came a deep struggle especially when we first got home. It was several months before I began to feel like she was my child. Yes legally she was my daughter, but in the beginning, she didn’t feel like it. I was more wondering when this sweet house guest was going to leave. It wasn’t until the bond started to form, that the initial feeling began to go away. When I really began to feel like her mom.

This year has brought me much joy, lessons learned, and a sweet girl that I am madly in love with.

Jennifer

The Legacy of a Great Cheerleader

Today is a sad day in my heart. Sad and yet peaceful at the same time. I have been gifted enough to have grandparents, on both sides that were my best friends, especially my grandmothers. And today, I lost my grandma, my last living grandma. Granddaughter is not a title that I give up easily.

The house where it all began

She gave me a gift for crafting, a love for volunteer work, how to give back to others. I spent countless weekends at her house, eating my grandma grill cheese and hagendaz bars. We had so many adventures together, road trips, Seaworld, Germany, a new dog, moving her out of state and so many more.

We spent many many hours on the phone talking about life, joking, crafting, baking, digging in the dirt, clipping rose bushes making grill cheese.  She taught me how to flip the birdJ, peel out in the dirt when needed.

But most of all, what she taught me about people is something that I never will forget, Love and service. She spent countless hours (thousands upon thousands) volunteering. She taught me what unconditional love was and how to love even when others might be unlovable. Oh and then there is the speaking my mind.

High School Graduation

And on top of all that, (much more that I did not mention) she was my biggest cheerleader. She rooted me on for everything I have done. From the little things like dance recitals, band performances, going to college, moving to China, getting married, adopting my daughter, she was always holding her pom poms and cheering loudly.

I decided several years ago, to make sure I had no regrets in our relationship. I made sure in college I had enough funds to visit her every few months. And even after, minus the year that I was in China, I saw her at least every 3 months.

The last and one of the few of my girl and her

My husband, had never known his grandparents, they were born in the later 1800’s, so Grandma Karlson was a grandma for him.  She gave him a run for his moneyJ I am so thankful that he got to share life with her. And, even more so I am so thankful that he was willing to work so hard to make sure there was always room in the budget to visit grandma. I remember there were a couple of months a couple of years ago, that we were up there every single weekend helping her move, and he never batted an eye. She was worth it, we could go without and she deserved it. We never had a regret.

I am thankful that I got to up there this week and spend time with her. Thankful for family that watched my kid so we could have some time together. Thankful my girl got to kiss her on the check and sing to her.  Thankful I got the opportunity to tell her what I wanted to say, get hand squeezes as we talked, and ultimately let her know the treasure she is and where her treasure of her heart was. It was hard to walk out of her room, heartbreaking in fact, however I had a sense of overwhelming peace in leaving knowing that as she spent her final hours walking into eternity, she and I both knew where we stood.

She is one of the special few, a rare gem and I am incredibly honored to be her granddaughter.

Brokenhearted,thankful, honored,

 Jennifer

PS- the last night we were there, Hosanna decided she was going to sing a song before we left. She picked it out all herself and sang it into the call button aka microphone:) Before we left. I know not many knew what she was singing, I knew and it was perfect. The link below...... Be blessed by my girls wisdom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr1ldGm5JAQ