The honeymoon is over

We have been home since Friday morning, touching down in Atlanta at 6:45 in the morning. She did great on the long flight, slept all about 3 hrs. It was a restless sleep but she slept. The flight from LA to ATL was another story. We were those parents with the screaming kid. It was intense at times. As we were waiting to get off the plane, someone was asking me about her, and I was telling them that she was just adopted. The man who sat in front looked at her and said “I forgive you. I hope that you can forgive me for the glare I gave you”. We were actually entertained by that.

The greeting at the airport was awesome and overwhelming. My whole office came, our friends from AL drove over to meet us, some friends from small group and some dear friends took off the day just to be there. My mother-in-law came from Griffin with some friends to meet her granddaughter. It was an incredible moment.

We got home and just relished in the fact that she was home. She ran through the house taking in all that was in front of her. Saying wow, skipping and jumping. She and the cat are working on things. He knew instantly that she was not leaving and has been trying to spend some time with her. She however is afraid of him. He is also jealous of me spending time with me. We are working on it.

Once everyone left and it was just the three of us, I sat in the hallway where she was meeting Elmo and cried. 30 months of hard labor, sweat, tears, saving, praying, seeking, dreaming was all here wrapped up in the a little bundle of sweetness. Tears of joy, tears of grief, tears for what is to come, tears of being tired. It was to much even for this mama.

But you can tell the honeymoon period of our meeting is over. The past two nights and days have been intense. Hosanna’s grief is real. It is intense. Her fears are prevalent and presenting themselves in many different ways. She is not sleeping at night at all. In the past two nights she has been up every hour and finally last night we moved her into our room at 12:30. Her room scares her. Being alone scares her despite the music, light, friends in her bed. Our days have started at 4am with breakfast taking place by 5. She wails similar to the day we left her orphanage. She misses so much, all is so new, so much has changed. Regression has also happened. She is currently self-soothing with the rocking back and forth that was disappearing with each passing day. She is not really wanting to spend time with Michael. She will not let me out of her sight.

But there are moments of joy and bonding that is prevalent. Currently, she will let us comfort her in small ways. Wanting to hold our hands while she cries, allowing me to rub her head.  This morning we got our first hugs. She actually learned how to hug from a stuffed singing dog that she got at a shower. When she got up in the pack and play for the final time at 4:30 this morning. I had her in bed with us and she laid for another hour with us. This was HUGE for her and a sign of trust building.

So baby steps are taking place despite the steps backwards. We are thankful that we are taking the next couple of weeks at home with minimal activities and visitors. It is much needed for her and for us.

This Mama knows this time will pass and eventually dissipate all together for a season. But I am also trying to be real about that fact that her heart hurts. She has had so many changes in the past 15 days. Life for her has been turned upside down and is slowly being put back together.

We appreciate all the prayers. We are thankful to know that some friends were here making sure our house was taken care of. We were thankful to find some food in the fridge when we came home and are even more thankful that there are meals coming in the next couple of weeks. It is so needed, for us and her.

More to come,

Jennifer

Last Night

Today was our last full day in China and our last night. We will head to the airport at 4:45pm (4:45am est) tomorrow to begin our journey home. Life has changed so much in the past 13 days. We have done so many things, seen so many things, eaten a lot of food. We have changed some interesting diapers, watched people look at us in strange ways because of our child. Watched her grow leaps and bounds in the 9 days that we have known her.

As we prepare to leave China, my heart is heavy. Granted, I am very excited to go home and begin our life with our girl. I am ready to have her and teach her how to feed herself, bath her in her tub, have her chase her cat around. We are ready. But this Mama has done a lot of growing up in China since 2006 and is sad to let go of this country for a longer season than normal.  There is so much processing going on in my heart tonight, I thought it would be best to put it in letter form.

Dear China,

At first, you were never a place I wanted to visit. I had never used chopsticks, really ever eaten much Chinese food and always thought that things were as the new portrayed them. But you called me, and I answered. Little did I know just what that meant in 2006. Little did I know that I would do a great deal of growing up here. Little did I know I would learn through you what forgiveness meant, I would have never learned what true worship looked like because of the restrictions here. I would have never known what it meant to throw your whole self into your faith without looking back with worry of what would happen. Little did I know I would fall in love with you.

I knew back in 2007, coming back to the US was going to be hard. I had no clue just how hard that journey would be. I knew that the things I learned, would eventually rub people the wrong way. I knew that people would not understand. I never thought I would be working with your culture again. I had never thought I would have the opportunity to serve you again. But I have, and since then I have made 7 trips back to you. I have seen your ever-changing culture. Changing so much, that I do not feel like I can speak with confidence in who you are. I pray that your moral compass can take a shift back to things that are important. That money, power, things, do not continue to be your focus.

 I have traveled to roughly 30+ of your cities. Taken in wonders of the world that people dream about seeing. Again, I have fallen in love with you.

And now, all of the above was in some way preparing me for what I am doing here now. You had my daughter waiting. It was known all along that she would be coming from you. It was written even before you were written into existence.  And while there have been some frustrations this week and things I have not understood, I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to grow up here. Capture a piece of your language, see your culture, pray for your people and have my own little China doll. It will be a while before we see each other again. But, I know that we will.

Xie Xie,

Kong Ju

Dear Sweet Girl,

In the 9 short days that we have had you, it honestly seem fair to count, because it feels like you have always been here. We are on a grand adventure together. And I am incredibly humbled that God chose me as your Mama. Today you took the steps to become a US citizen and you really have no clue what that means. But it also means, you are taking the steps to let go of your Chinese passport. This is your last night in China for a while. Your Dad and I are already talking about when we are going to bring you back to see your homeland.

We have had many great laughs this week together and look forward to more to come. I know that you do not understand all that is going on. I know that you do not get even in the slightest bit, the fact that you are leaving your home country tomorrow for a long time. That you will be surrendering your passport at some point, for one that looks very different. Your Mama is already praying for the words to explain to you all that took place to get you here.  Your story is incredibly special and one that we cherish!

I am so looking forward to bringing you to your home and beginning our life not in suitcases or in hotels, but in our home.

Much love,

Your Mama

Dear Cathy,

We will never be able to put into words the joy that it was to have you here with us on this journey. God certainly knew what he was doing when he orchestrated this. You have been an incredible gift to us. Your timing on sharing wisdom is impeccable and just to watch you love our girl so freely is incredible.

I know that it was a sacrifice for you to be here. I know that you are missing your family and grandbabies. And to them I say thank you for loaning us you.

I am humbled by your act of service to my girl and thankful to call you family,

Much Love,

Jennifer

Team Baby Bowden,

To all of you who have stood by us in prayer, financial support, time support and just plain said we believe in you, thank you!!!! Without the army, we would not have made it. So much so, we are already talking about number 2. Thank you for walking this journey with us. We know that you will be carrying us home tomorrow and beyond, but a heartfelt thank you was in order. You each are a pen in her page.

Much Love,

Jennifer

Dear Michael,

It is amazing to see you as a dad. This little gal is lucky to have you and I can tell that God is rocking your world with her.  Thank you for being willing to listen and say yes to this journey. To allow your heart to be open to adoption, to not be scared of the cost or the sacrifice. And while it has not always been peaches and cream, you have been a huge cheerleader to keep going.

I know that there will be seasons with her that will be a challenge, but I am thankful that she is on loan to US for those seasons. We have a grand job ahead of us!

I Love You,

Me

Dear Jesus,

Without you none of this would be possible You have chosen her for us, and that leaves me speechless. I cannot believe the lengths that you have gone for our family in guiding, leading and providing.  I know that there were times of doubt in my heart and for that I ask for forgives.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be her Mama and be part of her story. I know that you will walk with us as we raise her in your sight. Protect us and lead us in that way. We need you for this task and without you she would not be ours.

Your servant,

Jennifer

We will be landing in Atlanta on the 27th at 6:45am on a Delta flight from LA. You are more than welcome to come to the airport. But I have a few requests. When we land and get our luggage, we ask that people do not follow us home. Going home will be overwhelming for her and the more there the more overwhelming it will be. 

Also, to her everyone is a care giver at this point. We are trying to teach her who her care givers are and then allow her to learn as we go about the people that love her. So please do not grab her from us to get into her face. 

We appreciate you all,

Jennifer

More changes to come

Here is a few pictures of some more of her firsts that we have had. There is a large fish pond at the hotel in which all the kids feed. And then there is an outdoor playground. She LOVES to slide, and not just the normal way but forwards, backwards, sideways, anything you can imagine. She is an incredible sponge. 

Cathy reminded me today that it was 7 days ago yesterday and she entered our world. It is incredible to think that it has only been 7 days. I told Cathy that it feels like eternity. But really that is the truth. Yes we are tired and so some days feel so much longer than others, but the reality is she was written into this family long before we ever knew it. The journey to get her was long, but it had been written. So 7 days, doesn't seem like a long time but in the grand scheme of things, she has been on our hearts much longer than 7 days. 

Tomorrow we have an EARLY American Embassy Appointment. We will walk in and be sworn in as her parents. This is really to get her visa to take her back to America. This will also give us the paperwork that we need for her to become a citizen. Yes, yet another added layer to this already laundry list of changes for our girl. Her citizenship will change the instant we step out of the plane in LA on Wednesday. She will become a US citizen. It is a crazy thought and one I am sure that she will ask questions about down the line. We leave China with a Chinese passport and then poof, it is no longer valid. 

Once this is done, we are basically done in China. We wait for her visa to be printed. We depart on Wednesday night at 9:30 pm China time and arrive back in America on the 27th at 6:45am in Atlanta. We will get her visa 15 minutes before we leave for our flights back home. Talk about a nail bitter. 

It is late, we had an early morning and one again tomorrow. We will write more tomorrow after our swearing in ceremony. 

Love,

Jennifer

So many new things

Our girl is experiencing so many first.

I posted pictures yesterday of a park that we went to where she saw fish for the first time. She saw her first waterfall, etc. The city that she was in, is surrounded by fresh water springs. They wrap around the entire city. This park is about those springs.

Then more firsts, we got her passport yesterday. It is stinkin cute. She has a Chinese one as she needs to be domesticated in the US before we can get her a US passport. From there we went to the airport for her first flight. She actually did really well. Very fascinated with the seat belt and her pocket. Loved airplane food! She fell asleep on the flight down to Guangzhou and when she woke up in a strange place, she threw a fit. Both Michael and I had that thought…. YUP we are those parents. But some things cannot be help. We know for the next flight, it will certainly be interesting.

Today we are in Guangzhou. She had her medical exam today. Which consisted of pictures, and then 4 separate rooms. One for an initial Dr. to look at her, then the ear, nose and throat Dr, then the nurses to weigh and check her height and finally the room all parents dreaded. The TB and blood draw room.  And we were not allowed to go in with her. Her mama cried as she sat out side the door hearing her girl cry. They were fast but it was still traumatic for the both of us. But the more about it, it was not only for my girl but my heart was incredibly filled. We were surrounded by families. Tons of families all there for the same purpose. Some to bring home their first child, some their second, and some….. well they stopped counting. All from what I could tell of these children had special needs. All of these children rescued through an act of love and an open heart. And Michael and I have journeyed through we have been talking about the 2^nd. Maybe not from China, but there will most certainly be a second. How could you not when you hear of orphanages have 200+ children in each of them.

Bonding is coming along. She is most certainly all about her peeps being around and will check for them wherever she goes. She loves her mama and will not let her out of her sight right now. Michael and she have a routine in the evenings where she will let him put lotion on her and give her a massage. It is sweet time for them. They are so silly together.

She is allowing us to change her diaper without a fit. This is huge and a great trust building piece.

Something’s we have learned:

·         She loves the stroller because she knows it means we will go. But you must keep moving.

·         She knows how to throw a fitJ

·         She is learning what the word No means.

·         We had to come up with another word for chew as that is what they called her in the orphanage.

·         She is into everything. And if you do not watch, she will take things and hide them.

·         She is into order. Nothing can be out of place.

·         She is very much a mimicker. Michael has taught her stick em up, she says shoes and can now brush her teeth with a  little help.

·         The bumpier the stroller ride the better. Girl likes to be all over the place.

·         Loves her picture taken.

·         Her grief is real and comes in waves.

·         She loves to Skype!

Things are coming along. Cathy has been such a huge blessing to us and I cannot say that enough. This trip has gone so much better because of her. Her extra set of hands and grandma thoughts have really help. I was telling her how tired we were. And she reminded me, most people who have a newborn gradually walk into activity. We went from nothing, to 100 miles and hour in a heartbeat. Takes some getting used to. She has also challenged us on the questions we had not thought of like, what do we want her firsts to be with us vs other people. Good things to think about as we bring her home and manage expectations.

As much as we are ready to come home and stop living out of a hotel, to have some normalcy, China is something that I have started to grieve. Mainly because I know my trips over here will not be as frequent as then have been in the past. It is a country that with each time I have come I have done a lot of growing up in. It is a place that feels like a second home despite some of the dysfunction. It is a place that is ever changing, every time I land things are different. It is a place I will miss but forever has changed my heart.

From a full heart,

Jennifer

All of our socks piled... .Order order order

After the medical, Not happy

Her little friend with our agency

Nana got her a cool backpack

TV what???

Pictures

Here are some pictures from our adventures yesterday to a park and seeing the fish. We got all of our paperwork from the Chinese Government saying she is ours. Friday evening (China time) we head to Guangzhou to take care of the American consulate items.

The Orphanage Visit

So playful

Reading a special book from a special cousin

If any of you have looked at our schedule, you would know that we had an orphanage visit scheduled. After we arrived, I had learned that this visit was indeed to her orphanage and it was more than just a visit, it was a send off celebration for her.

Now, before I type anymore, let me first say I see the value in this. I see the value in my girl who was left at a road side getting a proper goodbye from the only world that she had known. She deserves this in her grieving process.

I texted many last night asking for prayer knowing that I had a large amount of anxiety about today. It has been a great two days with our gal. Bonding is taking place, she does not like when her mama leaves and loves to play with her Baba. But this day, was one that I wanted over before it started.

I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions in my heart.  Let alone was very fearful on how to help her with hers. Having been in children’s grief for a couple of years, I knew some things that we will go through. On top of yesterday was a rougher day for our gal. Something triggered her when we were out and about yesterday that lead her down a path of grief during the day. This junk just got real.

We left early this morning, piled into a van for a two hour ride. Nothing like keeping a toddler occupied in a car without a car seat for two hours. (That is right, no car seat). We drove through some major cities and some beautiful country side. Her city was encased by these beautiful mountains. As we pulled into our first stop, I studied every stress sign I could trying to find the spot her birth mom left her. Wondering if we had passed the spot. Wondering if we had passed her birth parents. We know that a news announcement was put out about her adoption, I could not help but wondered if they had read it.

Seeing her for the first time

We made our first stop, which was to pay our “donation”. I laugh at the word donation because it was part of our adoption fees. This place was the old orphanage. It is now for the government workers along with an old folks home.  We walked in with our red bag full of 35,000 RMB. We felt like we were handing over the world, but we knew in our hearts we got the world in return.

Our first hug

Then we piled into the car with the social worker to her orphanage. It was not all that far away. We pulled into a couple of story building that held 200 children (We were told). There was a play ground out front, it was painted in bright colors.  Everyone was outside to meet us in the drive. We pulled in, got out of the van and they ripped her from me. Knowing Chinese culture, I thought this would happen (Not what I wanted to happen). This mama’s skin crawled, I wanted to walk my girl in there. I wanted to tell her what was happening. But I think she knew. Her main care taker, held her as we waited for the elevator to a large room where the kids eat and such. All the time we walked, my gal looked back for her peeps. She knew.

Our first meeting

There we were in this large circular room, all sat around a table. The kids that were in her room, the workers, the orphanage director, assistant director and someone else I am not to sure. Michael and I sat next to our girl along with Cathy as they spoke to us about how special she is. How excited they are for her to have a family, and how they knew we were going to give her a great life.

We told them of our appreciate for her care, and it was obvious that she was well loved and taken care of. We presented them with gifts, and they presented us with treasures. We got a photo album of her life. It began with the day that they got her at about 8 days old all the way up to November. It ends with a picture of her looking at a photo album that we sent of our family and the toy. They gave us her shot record, along with some more medical information, a video of her and a book that her caretakers made for her. It looks like their favorite pictures of her and a ton of Chinese. (We will have this translated).  Tears flowed as we walked out to see a huge banner with her name and the fact that it was a party so she could go to America.

They scooped her up and we went into her room to see her crib. They put her into her crib which was decorated, along with the little one that they called her sister. They began to feed her dumplings and explained that this was tradition for a send off. Her nanny put a necklace of a jade Buddha around her neck . (Now, before I continue, I know there might be some I will offend in this next statement. But for those who know my heart, know what I am saying.) My skin crawled, I wanted to jump in and tear it off of her and scream, this is not my gal!!!! This is not who brought us to her and this is not who will carry her home. But I had to remain silent. At the same moment I looked over at Cathy, she was holding this little guy who had jumped into her arms. We just wanted to scoop them all up and make a break for it.

We then went in to see the room where she played, had snacks and such. There were about a dozen other children there.  Most had special needs, there was even an infant wailing in the crib. The workers tried to get her shoes and socks off but my girl was not having it. She cried and looked for me. I had been practicing my Chinese over the past year or so, and did not let on that I understood a good bit of what they were saying. So as she looked for me, they told her it was ok. But my girl wanted me, and I charged in to get her. She wanted her shoes and socks but most of all her mama. She knew her peeps.

french fries with dad

We then walked down stairs to see her portrait hanging on the wall twice. It was there with so many other kids that are in their forever home. We went outside to take a group photo. And the moment I dreaded came. They handed her to me, and we needed to leave. The only thing I could do as they handed her was to run to the van. My girl was broken, her heart was hurting she was wailing. The life she knew was a memory in her soul and it hurt. This place that she knew, these friends, these care takers was going to be just a memory. But this mama pressed on without looking back into the van. We both cried together and we went. I could not look back, my girls heart hurt to much. My heart hurt, Michael’s was hurting and Cathy’s was hurting. We all cried as we went down the road. Cathy told me as we went on she saw the workers crying as she left. Again, the pain just got real.

We were smart and brought something new for her so we could distract her down the road. But I think she knew. She is a smart cookie. She loves her new phone from her Aunt Angie. But I could see the pain in her eyes. A whole was cut into her heart and soul that over time will be filled.

This mama however is still crying. I am sitting the hotel room as my gal sleeps typing this with tears. I cried a good bit of the way home, after I put her down for a nap. My heart hurts for her. My heart hurts for the workers. My heart hurts for the kids we left there. My heart hurts for the parts of her life that we missed. I prayed for anything we could get about her life, for her. But for this mama, I feel like I am missed so much. And right now it overshadows the fact that we have so many memories to make.

Through this whole process, the entire hour that this all took place, Jesus was there. He had us covered. HE knew it would be hard, but HE also knew we would turn to HIM. As I walked each step I was silently praying. I have often heard that God will never give you more than you can handle. And I am not to sure I believe that. I believe he gives you more, because your dependence on him becomes greater.

There are so many things I want to tell you about the bonding process and such, maybe that will come tomorrow. But right now this mama just wants to come home with her girl. I told Michael and Cathy I just wanted pizza and to go home. A little comfort. We still have about 7 days left, almost done with the Chinese side of paperwork to move on to the US side of paperwork.

For those who have never walked this road, I wish I could put into better words what  happened today. It is something I do not think I could ever explain properly. For those who have walked this road, and have experienced this, you know where we are at. We know that she will be ok, time will heal her. But we also want to be real that she is going to hurt, question, ask, seek. And I want to be there to tell her.

The picture below are from the past three days.

Much love,

Jennifer

Pictures from today.....

Entrance of the Facility

Her Banner

Her crib

At the table

The Wall of Photos

Her picture as a baby

The group photo before we left

So tired