T Minus 10......

You read that right, we leave in 10 days. Since my last post, things have been such a  whirlwind of activity. Getting our travel approval in 4 days instead of a couple of weeks, set off a fury of activity including booking flights, paying final adoption fees, pulling out suitcases, getting her room complete, visas, etc. The only word to describe it is CRAZYNESS.

As we get ready to leave, I have noticed myself reflecting back through this blog along with my journal to just see what I have been taught through this process. Things I would change for adoption number 2, things I would like to be able to handle with more grace, things I would more than likely let go of, mainly because they are just not worth it. This blog has not only been about processing through the adoption, infertility, lessons from God, but it has also been about what I needed to learn not only as Hosanna’s momma but also as a person.  I am adding to my identity every step of the way. 

So, as the days wind down, I want to share what I have learned through my little girl’s adoption journey. Yes I will post pictures of her room, I will share our schedule, but for now I process, as this momma’s heart is full.

The Choices-

That is right, this was completely a choice. We did not have to adopt. We did not have to kill ourselves over the past two years working on paper work, fundraising, talking with people. It was a choice. She was chosen to be in our family. There are plenty of other paths that we could have taken, but we chose this. Most importantly, it chose us.

Faith-

My faith has drastically increased in this process. The enemy is definitely not on our side. Through this whole process I have seen this tested.  The value of my own redemption story became so apparent to me during this process. My testimony is so important, regardless if people around me choose to see me as redeemed. I have learned through this process, the reality of how some who have known me all my life, have chosen to see me. And, because I cannot mend their brokenness, I can only take a step back and pray. Pray for the relationship to be redeemed. In the past I have put out fleeces to try and bring some healing, but it was met with rejection, and ultimately damaged things even further. But I am redeemed, I was at the cross. My sins were paid for, I was adopted, written in the Lambs book of Life, my value and worth are not found in anything on this earth.

Family-

My definition of family has drastically changed. It actually has grown and expanded making me realize, even if my earthly family chooses not to want o do life, there is this heavenly family that has taken us under their wings and loved us with this unspeakable unconditional love. There is a bond that comes between brothers and sisters in Christ. They choose to do life with us in a way that is unconditional. They choose to support us, pray for us, they know our stories and love us anyway, spread the news about our adoption to their friends in helping us raise funds.  We have such an incredible army that is coming with us to China, it blows my mind. So not only does my girl have our blood family to love her, she has this family that stretches far beyond fleshly blood to the blood of the Cross. I picture as we get on the plane next week, it is not just us on that plane, but every person that has walked this journey with us.

Provision-

This to me is an incredible story. We have done some crazy things to come up with the funds to be leaving for China next week. Saved like mad people, cutting anything out of our household budget we could. Sold T-shirts, that had reached a couple of continents, 45 Faith, Hope and Love charms brought some much needed funding. Two yard sales, all with donated items that netted us more than I have ever seen at any yard sale. EBAY, Craigs List sales. Dog sitting and the list can go on you name it. We never really felt right in just flat out asking for money. We knew and were met with the thoughts when we started this journey, that adoption is expensive, some people believe that it is just not possible. And so we just prayed and God showed up big time. Almost every month there would be a check that would pop up in the mail, sometimes two to three. Incredible is the only word that I can come up with. And so when we paid the final bills last week and realized that we were short some funds we knew that God had our back, and boy did here. There in a restaurant I cried because My God stood behind friends as they handed us a check. I cried again the next evening when some other friends handed us an envelope that took care of the rest, and I could see Jesus right behind them as well So, in a matter of 14 months since we starting saving like mad people, God showed up and paid the bill that HE created.  And HE paid all of the other previous fees that we had paid prior to that. We have really had to buy nothing for her. Minus a few pieces of clothing and a very special gift (More to come when I show her room) Nothing else. Her crib, clothes, essentials, and everything that we need to take on the trip for her was paid for. I sit back and marvel at this.

 It taught me how to be humble, it taught me how to accept, it taught me that we were on the right track, and it taught me this concept of Love. Love that people have for our family, Love that people have for our girl. And it continually gave me confirmation that we were on the right track. It also taught me that being in HIS will and following is worth everything.

My heart can really break-

I did not realize just how heart broken I could be. I know there have been times in the past where my heart broke. Every time I left the orphanage in Bolivia my heart broke, times when my nieces and nephews would beg me not to go, when my grandma died and so on. I have been heart broken. But NOTHING in the world prepared me for the brokenness that I felt in saying no to the first 5 children. That is right, we went through 5 files before we knew she was the one. 5 faces, 5 names, 5 stories, 5 little ones needing mom’s and dad’s. There are times lately, as I pack, I hope, pray and wonder if there are mom’s and dad’s just like us packing to go get them. Obviously we know that there are people who are adopting right this very second, but those 5 are etched in my heart. Through that I learned that it is picture of how Jesus’s heart might break every time we say No, or not now, or I am not doing that.

Forgiveness-

This is something that is a continually learning cycle for me. Through this journey and another journey that I have recently been on, forgiveness and be an incredibly freeing experience. The choice to forgive, TRULY forgive frees up the heart and spirit to be able to love more. It allows that bitterness, not to fester, but instead says you are no longer welcome. I have learned through this journey just how important it is to say “you are forgiven” and ask for forgiveness as well. It is so incredibly hard to say to someone “you are forgiven” but even harder to look someone in the eye and ask for it.

Know there are some in my life who I would really want and sit to have a conversation asking for forgiveness, but I know that it will not be well received. I also know, that in order for the heart space to be cleared and filled with good, I need to. So I have written some letters to people asking for forgiveness. Maybe someday they will be ready for them, and if not it is ok. My heart has been cleared, and has room to love at a greater capacity.

People Understanding-

This is really interesting mainly because I know that we have not encountered all the questions in regards to this adoption we are going to get. I know that as my girl grows, people are going to make comments about her not looking like us, I know that kids more than likely will be mean and maybe even make fun of her. We will deal.

But the questions that I have gotten have been surreal at times, just as surreal as some of the comments. Why international, when there are so many kids in the states?, Are you going to have your eyes altered to look like hers?, You are crazy for spending all that money, What is wrong with you that you have to adopt, She doesn’t need a baby blanket she is not a baby, what was wrong with her mother, Why special needs, aren’t you scared? There have been so many more. That is one of the reasons I write. There are some that we have encountered that have never had the opportunity to walk through adoption on an intimate level, they have chosen to that with us. There are people that have asked questions because Hosanna’s story has sparked something in their heart. And still others are just really naive in their understanding.

Having someone come is a huge gift-

That is right, we have someone coming with us to China. I have been called weak and even made fun of because of it. But, I am so thankful. Actually, from the beginning we have had plans of having someone come. There was a lady who was really close to us that offered, but because of timing it was not going to work. God knew what he was doing and Nana said yes. Part of it is having a third set of hands as we travel through China for two weeks. I do not fly well at all. So actually my greatest nightmare is flying home with her. And most of all, I did not realize this till last week, I need a mamma. Every girl dreams of having her mom there or at least come very quickly after having her first child. This is no different. And because I knew that my mom could not come, Nana is stepping in to fill that roll. She is actually a very special lady in my life. She is my encourager, lunch partner, she has held my hand through every surgery I have had, cried with me, laughed, journeyed and so it only seems fitting that Nana comes. I am at great peace with our decision to bring her. She will be able to respect us when we need  alone time, be there to hold our hands when we do not know what to do and rejoice in watching this journey from beginning to end.  Hold on to your hat Nana, it is going to be incredible!!!!

This is just a glimpse, there is more to come, for fear of wanting to bore anyone that is reading this blog, I will save more for this weekend. We leave in one week!!! And meet our girl in 10 days. That is right, 10. After tonight we are in single digit count down………

Love, Jennifer