Thoughts from an Infertile Mother

As Mother’s Day approaches, I am seeing still what a trigger this holiday is for me. Maybe trigger is the wrong word, but, what I can understand first hand some of the sensitivity the holiday holds.  

I remember all the years prior to Hosanna coming home, the grief that Mother’s Day held for me. It was usually a silent grief, because many around me would not get it. I would not go to church, and stay away from public spots. I didn’t really want to hear Happy Mother’s Day and receive it with a smile and an empty heart.  Those words rang through me and exacerbated the silent dying hope that was in my heart. It took a lot for me to send those words to others.

I can only speak from the side of infertility. My mom is still present with me, and so we are able to celebrate with her and the same for Michael’s mom. And even though I am still a mom, the grief of infertility is still present. While, it is slowly fading, joy is coming, it is still there. More than likely because, I am in the process of digging deep into the feelings, thoughts and overall reality of not only my womb being closed forever, well frankly, my womb not even being present anymore.

My mother hood journey is not what I had expected and yet it has thrown me the largest learning curve.

I did not expect to spend 30 months filling out paperwork, walking, flying, driving many miles with papers flying everywhere to have others tell me I could be a mom. I did not anticipate striving till it hurt to raise and save the money to become a mom. I did not expect to be standing in a hotel room in China, with my 28 month old walking in, traumatized beyond belief and that be the moment I became a mom.

I did not expect to need multiple surgeries in an attempt to become a mom. I did not expect that the fertility drugs would not work.  I did not expect to hear the percentage that this couple of thousand dollar procedure might work. And ultimately, at 37 I did not expect to lose all hope of seeing myself and my husband combined in a little person.

And so on Mother’s Day I think about so many…..

·      * I think about my multiple friends who are expecting. Ok ladies the journey you about to go on is one of the most challenging of your life. Who knew a little person could grab your heart in such a way everything will change for you.

·     *  I think about my friends who long for the husband that is planned for them along with the family that is.

·    *   I think about my friends who prayers got answered differently.

·      * I think about people in my life who have lost their mom’s or even the folks that were the “mother” figure in their life. The grief is intense.

·      * I think about those who are struggling with infertility. It is such a deep rooted journey of the heart. Questioning how far do we go, what to do when hope is diminished, and where to get more of that from. How to handle your ever changing body without letting the world know. Seeing little people everywhere and desiring a little person to call you mama.  

·     *  I think about my girl, who someday will know that she has two mom’s. Two mom’s that love her deeply. I wonder what this day will look like for her when that comes. I wonder if she will see motherhood differently.

·      * I think about those like myself, who grieve what they thought mother hood would look like. And are wrestling with the final no, it will not be that way ever.

·      * I think about friends who grieve over a child they have lost.

And with all of this, I am grateful for the people listed above, despite their pain, and joys have stood with me through mine. They have found space in their heart to give love to my girl. I need them, she needs each and every one of you in both of our lives.

In my opinion being a mom is not just about having a child that you call “yours”. But providing love, nurturing to those in front of you whether they are yours or not. You are still an example to them and they watch you. You come in when parents are exhausted, at the end of their rope, needing a date, and provide necessary love and investment.

I am thankful that my mom journey did not go the way that I thought it was suppose to go. I am glad that it was not by my design but one who knows greater. I am glad that I am the mama to the girl that I have. I am glad that I became a mom in a hotel in China. Just when I lost all my hope of becoming a mom, God said wait, here she is. She is and was fearfully and wonderfully made to be a Bowden.

I like how China actually has a woman’s day as opposed to an over-commercialized Mother’s Day. I think everyone woman who is willing to love a little heart in some small way deserves to be honored.

Thank you to all the Woman out who have loved us in some way, you are remembered and honored today.