I just don't have love for you right now

It has been several months since I have written. We have lived much life in that time.

We have been in the troughs of transition with acclimating to life in Texas, we have spent 5 days being magical at Disney World, we have celebrated Christmas and New Years, and Easter. We have also celebrated our 4^th family day and have had many in between moments. It has been a wide range of emotions through all those times that have taken us on an incredible journey.

I have never believed on sugar coating our story. It is clear in the bible that we are not guaranteed a comfortable life filled with all the joys and no lows. Through our adoption journey, I have been very open about willing to share some of those (protecting others for the sake of our girl). But with the true intention that this is a journey, one that never stops, and one that is not to take lightly.

And still, 4 years later we are still not taking it lightly. There was a day coming, that I knew would come. I had hoped we had a little more time in answering as we answered the little questions about China.

If you look at our Facebook Page you will see a happy family. We don’t post the pics of the tears, or say that parenting is hard, or say at even moments, I just want to run. But parents don’t say that unless they are in close quarters with friends or on closed support groups or even in the confines of a counselors’ office. Come on, what would the world think of us.

Let me tell you, I could have posted all of the above a week ago.  My girl, my sweet, fun loving, joy filled little girl finally put some things together about her story and knew that there 29 months before us of life she lived. There was a “family” before us. And she grieved, lashed out and put up a wall.

While I will leave out all the details to protect her, the words that I never thought I would hear “Mama, I just don’t have love for you right now”, Came out of her mouth.

I sat on my couch and cried. Michael was out of town, I was alone and I cried. For three nights, straight I cried. And so, I did the one thing I knew to do, pray and call on prayer warriors.

Now, before I continue, I know there are some that will say every child will go through this. No! Not every child goes through this. Not every child is born, carried for 9 months in a womb and then for whatever reason given up for adoption. Not every child will spend time in an orphanage in a steel crib and wonder where their next meal comes from, laying for hours crying for someone to sooth them.  Not every child will go through the waiting and wondering when they will get a mama. This is not normal for Children. It stacks, stacks and stacks and creates a heart with not very good coping mechanisms along with walls and sadness that are buried deep within their hearts. This deeply buried pain, will someday surface. And, some of ours has.

What next, we are looking for help. We have had some gracious people come into our lives in various ways who are helping us find the right person. We are not going to hide, stuff it under the rug, we are going to face it head on, and learn how to deal. I want my girl to love her story, to be ok with it, understand it, and be able to share it with others.

Four year later, 4, my child still lives in fear of being left. Despite constant (Sometimes draining) presence in her life, no absence of necessities and the leaving and coming, still she has a fear of being left. Now, with an added layer of, well my first family left me.

But there are some other lessons that have come out of this weekend.

What is means to unconditionally love, really do you know what that is when it is put to the test? Do you know what it means to say the words, I love you even when the person that you are saying them to just told you they can’t love you right now.

It reminds me of Jesus and I. What it is like for him to still utter the words I love you, despite how he might not agree with me, how I might break His heart. But yet, His unconditional love withstands.

Man, kids can trigger you. My greatest fear, trigger, whatever you want to call it, is worth and value. It was certainly put to the test this weekend as a mom. Leaving me questioning am I worthy enough to be her mom, am I sucking at my job, what did I do wrong. Reality check- I am worthy to be her mom because she was put into my arms, I am not sucking at my job just because we need to seek some third-party help. In fact, that is what I call being healthy.

And the other piece I learned, the value of showing your kids your emotions in truth and love. There is nothing wrong with H seeing me cry. There is nothing wrong with her knowing that her mama has feelings and seeing that she is processing through them.

I don’t write this all to seek out sympathy, I write this as a way to process, but also to show the reality that we are indeed in a constant battle for our babies hearts and lives. What if we gave our babies the space to speak and not teach them that feelings are not to be spoken of, that they are bad and need to be kept in the closet. What if we grieved together what grieves them? I wonder what kind of adults we would ultimately shape.

Jennifer