The Orphanage Visit

So playful

Reading a special book from a special cousin

If any of you have looked at our schedule, you would know that we had an orphanage visit scheduled. After we arrived, I had learned that this visit was indeed to her orphanage and it was more than just a visit, it was a send off celebration for her.

Now, before I type anymore, let me first say I see the value in this. I see the value in my girl who was left at a road side getting a proper goodbye from the only world that she had known. She deserves this in her grieving process.

I texted many last night asking for prayer knowing that I had a large amount of anxiety about today. It has been a great two days with our gal. Bonding is taking place, she does not like when her mama leaves and loves to play with her Baba. But this day, was one that I wanted over before it started.

I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions in my heart.  Let alone was very fearful on how to help her with hers. Having been in children’s grief for a couple of years, I knew some things that we will go through. On top of yesterday was a rougher day for our gal. Something triggered her when we were out and about yesterday that lead her down a path of grief during the day. This junk just got real.

We left early this morning, piled into a van for a two hour ride. Nothing like keeping a toddler occupied in a car without a car seat for two hours. (That is right, no car seat). We drove through some major cities and some beautiful country side. Her city was encased by these beautiful mountains. As we pulled into our first stop, I studied every stress sign I could trying to find the spot her birth mom left her. Wondering if we had passed the spot. Wondering if we had passed her birth parents. We know that a news announcement was put out about her adoption, I could not help but wondered if they had read it.

Seeing her for the first time

We made our first stop, which was to pay our “donation”. I laugh at the word donation because it was part of our adoption fees. This place was the old orphanage. It is now for the government workers along with an old folks home.  We walked in with our red bag full of 35,000 RMB. We felt like we were handing over the world, but we knew in our hearts we got the world in return.

Our first hug

Then we piled into the car with the social worker to her orphanage. It was not all that far away. We pulled into a couple of story building that held 200 children (We were told). There was a play ground out front, it was painted in bright colors.  Everyone was outside to meet us in the drive. We pulled in, got out of the van and they ripped her from me. Knowing Chinese culture, I thought this would happen (Not what I wanted to happen). This mama’s skin crawled, I wanted to walk my girl in there. I wanted to tell her what was happening. But I think she knew. Her main care taker, held her as we waited for the elevator to a large room where the kids eat and such. All the time we walked, my gal looked back for her peeps. She knew.

Our first meeting

There we were in this large circular room, all sat around a table. The kids that were in her room, the workers, the orphanage director, assistant director and someone else I am not to sure. Michael and I sat next to our girl along with Cathy as they spoke to us about how special she is. How excited they are for her to have a family, and how they knew we were going to give her a great life.

We told them of our appreciate for her care, and it was obvious that she was well loved and taken care of. We presented them with gifts, and they presented us with treasures. We got a photo album of her life. It began with the day that they got her at about 8 days old all the way up to November. It ends with a picture of her looking at a photo album that we sent of our family and the toy. They gave us her shot record, along with some more medical information, a video of her and a book that her caretakers made for her. It looks like their favorite pictures of her and a ton of Chinese. (We will have this translated).  Tears flowed as we walked out to see a huge banner with her name and the fact that it was a party so she could go to America.

They scooped her up and we went into her room to see her crib. They put her into her crib which was decorated, along with the little one that they called her sister. They began to feed her dumplings and explained that this was tradition for a send off. Her nanny put a necklace of a jade Buddha around her neck . (Now, before I continue, I know there might be some I will offend in this next statement. But for those who know my heart, know what I am saying.) My skin crawled, I wanted to jump in and tear it off of her and scream, this is not my gal!!!! This is not who brought us to her and this is not who will carry her home. But I had to remain silent. At the same moment I looked over at Cathy, she was holding this little guy who had jumped into her arms. We just wanted to scoop them all up and make a break for it.

We then went in to see the room where she played, had snacks and such. There were about a dozen other children there.  Most had special needs, there was even an infant wailing in the crib. The workers tried to get her shoes and socks off but my girl was not having it. She cried and looked for me. I had been practicing my Chinese over the past year or so, and did not let on that I understood a good bit of what they were saying. So as she looked for me, they told her it was ok. But my girl wanted me, and I charged in to get her. She wanted her shoes and socks but most of all her mama. She knew her peeps.

french fries with dad

We then walked down stairs to see her portrait hanging on the wall twice. It was there with so many other kids that are in their forever home. We went outside to take a group photo. And the moment I dreaded came. They handed her to me, and we needed to leave. The only thing I could do as they handed her was to run to the van. My girl was broken, her heart was hurting she was wailing. The life she knew was a memory in her soul and it hurt. This place that she knew, these friends, these care takers was going to be just a memory. But this mama pressed on without looking back into the van. We both cried together and we went. I could not look back, my girls heart hurt to much. My heart hurt, Michael’s was hurting and Cathy’s was hurting. We all cried as we went down the road. Cathy told me as we went on she saw the workers crying as she left. Again, the pain just got real.

We were smart and brought something new for her so we could distract her down the road. But I think she knew. She is a smart cookie. She loves her new phone from her Aunt Angie. But I could see the pain in her eyes. A whole was cut into her heart and soul that over time will be filled.

This mama however is still crying. I am sitting the hotel room as my gal sleeps typing this with tears. I cried a good bit of the way home, after I put her down for a nap. My heart hurts for her. My heart hurts for the workers. My heart hurts for the kids we left there. My heart hurts for the parts of her life that we missed. I prayed for anything we could get about her life, for her. But for this mama, I feel like I am missed so much. And right now it overshadows the fact that we have so many memories to make.

Through this whole process, the entire hour that this all took place, Jesus was there. He had us covered. HE knew it would be hard, but HE also knew we would turn to HIM. As I walked each step I was silently praying. I have often heard that God will never give you more than you can handle. And I am not to sure I believe that. I believe he gives you more, because your dependence on him becomes greater.

There are so many things I want to tell you about the bonding process and such, maybe that will come tomorrow. But right now this mama just wants to come home with her girl. I told Michael and Cathy I just wanted pizza and to go home. A little comfort. We still have about 7 days left, almost done with the Chinese side of paperwork to move on to the US side of paperwork.

For those who have never walked this road, I wish I could put into better words what  happened today. It is something I do not think I could ever explain properly. For those who have walked this road, and have experienced this, you know where we are at. We know that she will be ok, time will heal her. But we also want to be real that she is going to hurt, question, ask, seek. And I want to be there to tell her.

The picture below are from the past three days.

Much love,

Jennifer

Pictures from today.....

Entrance of the Facility

Her Banner

Her crib

At the table

The Wall of Photos

Her picture as a baby

The group photo before we left

So tired

The day I became a mom

Incredible is all I can say to describe yesterday. We got to her city and to the hotel sometime before noon.  I am not really to sure what the exact time was. We have a translator with us named Missy. She got a call and said our gal was down stairs and they were bringing her up in 10 minutes. (We had not even put our suitcases down yet.  So we quick sprang into action, digging through suitcases to find anything we could for her. The Pink monkey my aunt had gotten her was the only thing that we could find.

Then she walked in. I can’t really put into words the feeling. For 30 months we have been working on bringing her home.  Praying and waiting and praying and waiting some more, and finally the moment was here. GOTCHA DAY had arrived.

She walked in with these sweet rosy cheeks.  A cute wool dress, with sweat pants that have bunnies on the knees. Pink shoes. And under all of that was an entire layer of more clothes. (the Chinese bundle their kids). The orphanage also brought a bag of snacks and her little backpack.

She looked at us with huge eyes, you could see the wonder but also the fear. Her Auntie has been taking care of her since she arrived at the orphanage, the bond there was very evident.  Her Auntie did a great job of explaining to her who we were. We were able to ask questions about her. There was also a social worker here to make sure the transition went well. We signed some documents and they all left.  And there we were a family. In room 1019 we became a family. In a hotel in China, we bonded over a pink monkey and became a family. 

She took to Michael right away, which was such a huge praise for us. That has been a prayer request of ours knowing the culture here. She was all about her Baba very quickly. This mama on the other hand took a little bit. I was not prepared for that. It broke my heart but was a gentle reminder of how my heavenly papa was so patient in waiting for me. It will come was being whispered in my ear over and over.

We spent the rest of the day playing, bonding and playing some more.  Exploring and playing again. We have been gifted with this gal that has an incredible amount of joy.

What we know about our girl:

She loves clothes!!!!

She has an incredible amount of spunk and personality

She likes music

She is a mover and shaker

She LOVES food, so much so you have to watch how much she eats, or she will not stop.

She is testing the limits like any two year would. Yesterday she pulled the suitcase over to climb off the bed in order to jump off to be caught by Michael. Sister has no fear. She has some wicked gas

She likes to sleep with a blanket over her head.

Last was the first time we saw the grief that she will experience. Once she realized it was night night time, she grabbed her shoes and headed for the door and began to sob. She knew that she was not going back. She cried calling out for her caretaker. Michael and I both cried with her. The grief is real. Real to us and very real to her. Her heart will need time to heal and learn that this is good.  For the first time as a family we were all broken together. There is more to come as Thursday we head to her orphanage to say goodbye and have a celebration ceremony.

So there you have it, the day we became parents. I do not have a lot of pictures from that moment, mainly because they are on Cathy’s camera, but I will leave you with a few. Hopefully the internet connection will hold and we can update some more tomorrow.

Thank you all!!!! We feel as though we have this great army behind us and our gal. Thank you for letting us share and coming into our family. You each have such a part in it.

From a humble heart,

Jennifer

This is what happened when we met her

Noodle eating

Time is here

It is incredible to think that in 12 short hours, we will be picked up for the airport and head to get our girl. We are busy hustling and bustling packing up, cleaning, winding up things in order to leave. It is incredible to think, 28 months ago we started this process, and our GOTCHA is now only 3 days away.

Humbling is another word that comes to mind as I think about this story that is being written. We started with a major mountain of paperwork and most importantly the financial need. God has exceeded and gone beyond anything that we thought would be possible. Our adoption fees are all covered! Our trip costs, covered! All of the things that fill our gals room, covered! All of the misc items that we needed to bring to China for various things, covered! And my time off from work for a month, covered! All of that in 28 short months, it is humbling to see just how much we are loved, but most importantly just how much she is loved and suppose to be in our family.

Work that is another subject. Many of you know, I have the opportunity to work in a ministry that is connected internationally. I LOVE MY JOB. Some of my best friends have come out of my job. But more over, I work in such a special office, where people are so willing to do life and love us in incredible ways. Part of the lasts this week is beginning a down ward turn out of that place that has been home for almost 6 years. I will be stepping down full time and going to part time through August, and then once August hits, I will be a mom and wife, no other titles. My heart is so full from that place, this part of the transition is tough.

See note below on the quilt. 

But in the end, it is all worth it. Gotcha day is three days away. That is right, 28 long months, and in 3 days she will be ours. This will be the place that we provide updates and the long awaited pictures that people have been asking for. In the mean time I will leave you with pictures of her sweet room, that will be filled with pitter patter before the month is over.

The quilt on the wall was handmade by a very special group of ladies, with fabric from my grandma's house. 

Till next time, from the other side,

 Jennifer

Her dresser was a friends when he was a child, and cards on the wall are letters of the alphabet with scripture on each one. 

T Minus 10......

You read that right, we leave in 10 days. Since my last post, things have been such a  whirlwind of activity. Getting our travel approval in 4 days instead of a couple of weeks, set off a fury of activity including booking flights, paying final adoption fees, pulling out suitcases, getting her room complete, visas, etc. The only word to describe it is CRAZYNESS.

As we get ready to leave, I have noticed myself reflecting back through this blog along with my journal to just see what I have been taught through this process. Things I would change for adoption number 2, things I would like to be able to handle with more grace, things I would more than likely let go of, mainly because they are just not worth it. This blog has not only been about processing through the adoption, infertility, lessons from God, but it has also been about what I needed to learn not only as Hosanna’s momma but also as a person.  I am adding to my identity every step of the way. 

So, as the days wind down, I want to share what I have learned through my little girl’s adoption journey. Yes I will post pictures of her room, I will share our schedule, but for now I process, as this momma’s heart is full.

The Choices-

That is right, this was completely a choice. We did not have to adopt. We did not have to kill ourselves over the past two years working on paper work, fundraising, talking with people. It was a choice. She was chosen to be in our family. There are plenty of other paths that we could have taken, but we chose this. Most importantly, it chose us.

Faith-

My faith has drastically increased in this process. The enemy is definitely not on our side. Through this whole process I have seen this tested.  The value of my own redemption story became so apparent to me during this process. My testimony is so important, regardless if people around me choose to see me as redeemed. I have learned through this process, the reality of how some who have known me all my life, have chosen to see me. And, because I cannot mend their brokenness, I can only take a step back and pray. Pray for the relationship to be redeemed. In the past I have put out fleeces to try and bring some healing, but it was met with rejection, and ultimately damaged things even further. But I am redeemed, I was at the cross. My sins were paid for, I was adopted, written in the Lambs book of Life, my value and worth are not found in anything on this earth.

Family-

My definition of family has drastically changed. It actually has grown and expanded making me realize, even if my earthly family chooses not to want o do life, there is this heavenly family that has taken us under their wings and loved us with this unspeakable unconditional love. There is a bond that comes between brothers and sisters in Christ. They choose to do life with us in a way that is unconditional. They choose to support us, pray for us, they know our stories and love us anyway, spread the news about our adoption to their friends in helping us raise funds.  We have such an incredible army that is coming with us to China, it blows my mind. So not only does my girl have our blood family to love her, she has this family that stretches far beyond fleshly blood to the blood of the Cross. I picture as we get on the plane next week, it is not just us on that plane, but every person that has walked this journey with us.

Provision-

This to me is an incredible story. We have done some crazy things to come up with the funds to be leaving for China next week. Saved like mad people, cutting anything out of our household budget we could. Sold T-shirts, that had reached a couple of continents, 45 Faith, Hope and Love charms brought some much needed funding. Two yard sales, all with donated items that netted us more than I have ever seen at any yard sale. EBAY, Craigs List sales. Dog sitting and the list can go on you name it. We never really felt right in just flat out asking for money. We knew and were met with the thoughts when we started this journey, that adoption is expensive, some people believe that it is just not possible. And so we just prayed and God showed up big time. Almost every month there would be a check that would pop up in the mail, sometimes two to three. Incredible is the only word that I can come up with. And so when we paid the final bills last week and realized that we were short some funds we knew that God had our back, and boy did here. There in a restaurant I cried because My God stood behind friends as they handed us a check. I cried again the next evening when some other friends handed us an envelope that took care of the rest, and I could see Jesus right behind them as well So, in a matter of 14 months since we starting saving like mad people, God showed up and paid the bill that HE created.  And HE paid all of the other previous fees that we had paid prior to that. We have really had to buy nothing for her. Minus a few pieces of clothing and a very special gift (More to come when I show her room) Nothing else. Her crib, clothes, essentials, and everything that we need to take on the trip for her was paid for. I sit back and marvel at this.

 It taught me how to be humble, it taught me how to accept, it taught me that we were on the right track, and it taught me this concept of Love. Love that people have for our family, Love that people have for our girl. And it continually gave me confirmation that we were on the right track. It also taught me that being in HIS will and following is worth everything.

My heart can really break-

I did not realize just how heart broken I could be. I know there have been times in the past where my heart broke. Every time I left the orphanage in Bolivia my heart broke, times when my nieces and nephews would beg me not to go, when my grandma died and so on. I have been heart broken. But NOTHING in the world prepared me for the brokenness that I felt in saying no to the first 5 children. That is right, we went through 5 files before we knew she was the one. 5 faces, 5 names, 5 stories, 5 little ones needing mom’s and dad’s. There are times lately, as I pack, I hope, pray and wonder if there are mom’s and dad’s just like us packing to go get them. Obviously we know that there are people who are adopting right this very second, but those 5 are etched in my heart. Through that I learned that it is picture of how Jesus’s heart might break every time we say No, or not now, or I am not doing that.

Forgiveness-

This is something that is a continually learning cycle for me. Through this journey and another journey that I have recently been on, forgiveness and be an incredibly freeing experience. The choice to forgive, TRULY forgive frees up the heart and spirit to be able to love more. It allows that bitterness, not to fester, but instead says you are no longer welcome. I have learned through this journey just how important it is to say “you are forgiven” and ask for forgiveness as well. It is so incredibly hard to say to someone “you are forgiven” but even harder to look someone in the eye and ask for it.

Know there are some in my life who I would really want and sit to have a conversation asking for forgiveness, but I know that it will not be well received. I also know, that in order for the heart space to be cleared and filled with good, I need to. So I have written some letters to people asking for forgiveness. Maybe someday they will be ready for them, and if not it is ok. My heart has been cleared, and has room to love at a greater capacity.

People Understanding-

This is really interesting mainly because I know that we have not encountered all the questions in regards to this adoption we are going to get. I know that as my girl grows, people are going to make comments about her not looking like us, I know that kids more than likely will be mean and maybe even make fun of her. We will deal.

But the questions that I have gotten have been surreal at times, just as surreal as some of the comments. Why international, when there are so many kids in the states?, Are you going to have your eyes altered to look like hers?, You are crazy for spending all that money, What is wrong with you that you have to adopt, She doesn’t need a baby blanket she is not a baby, what was wrong with her mother, Why special needs, aren’t you scared? There have been so many more. That is one of the reasons I write. There are some that we have encountered that have never had the opportunity to walk through adoption on an intimate level, they have chosen to that with us. There are people that have asked questions because Hosanna’s story has sparked something in their heart. And still others are just really naive in their understanding.

Having someone come is a huge gift-

That is right, we have someone coming with us to China. I have been called weak and even made fun of because of it. But, I am so thankful. Actually, from the beginning we have had plans of having someone come. There was a lady who was really close to us that offered, but because of timing it was not going to work. God knew what he was doing and Nana said yes. Part of it is having a third set of hands as we travel through China for two weeks. I do not fly well at all. So actually my greatest nightmare is flying home with her. And most of all, I did not realize this till last week, I need a mamma. Every girl dreams of having her mom there or at least come very quickly after having her first child. This is no different. And because I knew that my mom could not come, Nana is stepping in to fill that roll. She is actually a very special lady in my life. She is my encourager, lunch partner, she has held my hand through every surgery I have had, cried with me, laughed, journeyed and so it only seems fitting that Nana comes. I am at great peace with our decision to bring her. She will be able to respect us when we need  alone time, be there to hold our hands when we do not know what to do and rejoice in watching this journey from beginning to end.  Hold on to your hat Nana, it is going to be incredible!!!!

This is just a glimpse, there is more to come, for fear of wanting to bore anyone that is reading this blog, I will save more for this weekend. We leave in one week!!! And meet our girl in 10 days. That is right, 10. After tonight we are in single digit count down………

Love, Jennifer

Celebrations

Celebrations!

It is amazing to see over the course of the past 26 months just how much our gal has been loved. People have donated their time, goods, money, all to bring this little gal home.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been lucky enough to have three showers thrown in honor of her. This process has been such a long journey, so celebrating was something that I was looking forward to. Both Michael and I were blown away by the gifts that people brought not just from the registry but also all the handmade goodies she received. Lots of thought, heart, and love went into each and every gift, no matter if it came from a store or not.

My friend made this bag for her out of the bridesmaid dress
she wore at our wedding. 

Words and prayers were spoken over her. Such a great reminder for this momma that she was ours before time began. God knew she would be a Bowden, even before the Bowden’s were the Bowden’s. I was also reminded that she is on loan to us for a short time. She is not our possession that has been entrusted to us for a period. That is something that we take very seriously.

One of the side effects of adoption has finally hit. Some friends had told me, this might come and so far I have been able to battle it, but I find that as the days wear on, the battle is becoming harder.

I had been told to be careful, once you get her picture the longing to get her home will be intense. Those months as you wait will be the harder it will be. I have been ok thus far. Ok with the wait, full well knowing that we were getting time to prepare the house and such. Time we so desperately needed. But once the last shower was over something happened. I had the urge to GO and GO right now. I did not want to wait any longer, did not want her to sit in the orphanage any longer. Did not want to be apart from my child any longer. I am READY to get her here.

I am thankful that we are doing so much at the last minute in regards to her room and such. It is to hard to look at her stuff without her here. To hard to imagine her sitting and reading all those books, to hard to stare at the crib knowing she should be in it.

We are still waiting on a travel date. They told us sometime in February we should get one.

Waiting………………

Jennifer

Six to Eight

It is a wee morning hours here. Our house is fill to the brim with friends and family that have come for a day of celebration. Poor Michael is outnumbered drastically with all the women staying in the house.

A celebration to get ready for our girl. A celebration that has been culminating that the past two and half years. A celebration to make sure she has what she needs, but most importantly a celebration of what God is doing and continues to do in this adoption.

It is incredible to think that we are in the tail end of this journey. The adoption agency is telling us that we should have travel dates before February is over. Which means in the next 6-8 weeks we will be heading to get our girl. So many firsts will take place for our family. And as I think about the firsts with excitement, the reality is hitting of not only the impact of the firsts for our family but the lasts for our girl.

In 6 weeks our girl will leave the only country that she ever knew, and her citizenship will change forever. She will leave the only nannies she has known, her buddies that have slept beside her at night, the only place she knew to lay her head. Her diet is going to completely change. She will get a new name, have a new house, a cat, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, friends will all be added to her. She will learn what a car seat is for the first time, take her first airplane ride, experience her first time change. She will walk into a room that is hers filled with love from people all over the world. She will need to learn how to trust, love, grieve, all the things that she has lost and embrace the new. All at the age of two. So, while we are very excited to bring her home, I also recognize that there is much her tender little heart will experience far beyond anything I could ever imagine.

I pray for my girl and all that I have named along with all the things that I am missing at this hour. Full well knowing our lives will be forever written in a way that will change history for our family.

For now, I celebrate with friends and family that have come near and far. Sacrificed to make this journey possibly, want to love us and in turn love her.

Lots more to come as we are counting down the days………….

Jennifer