This Year is Different.....

I am pretty excited about tomorrow, not just because it is Easter, but I have been witnessing my girl grow in her beliefs in ways I did not imagine for this year. 

We have just finished going through our resurrection eggs. Sweet friends gave us this set prior to H coming home. This was the first year we used them. Mainly because, she was not there yet to fully understand. There are so many things to share about her, and yet this story, seems most appropriate this evening. 

We have been talking with H over the past year (Intently) about what it means to put her trust in Jesus. Lots of this discussion is around trusting Jesus especially in the fact that her mom and dad will always be her mom and dad. Giving her hope in the plan He has for her. 

In late February, we were driving to school and she started to ask some pivotal questions about Jesus. Of course, I pulled over in the school parking lot, and we talked. I didn’t care that the bell was about to ring. Her eternal perspective was worth far more than a ding on her attendance record. She said “Mom, that is enough for now, but I will have more after school.” And she went on her way. 

That evening, (Michael was out) she wanted to continue her conversation. And so, we did, we also read this book that we have been going through. Come into my Heart Lord Jesus, By Stormie Omartian. This time was different, we spent intentional time on each page. Reading answering questions and reading some more. And that the end she said she was ready. 

Now of course, the mom in me was like, you are only 7, how could you understand. Something was different this time. And so, I lead her in a prayer and then told her to talk to God on her own. What took place next, was short of incredible. This mama’s heart was bursting. 

H Thanked God for her family, and for finding her. Thanked her for dying on the cross for her and then, the sweetest song came out of her mouth. Now, if you know my child, and have heard her sing, you know that generally it I humming the tune but a jumbled mess of words. However, this was clear as day:

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am

BY HillSong

I firmly believe she knew exactly what she was saying. Because of my faith, I know that He has written every one of her days, as well as everyone’s. But this, is such a pivotal part of her story. This lays the ground work for her faith, her belonging and ultimately, who her creator is. 

I have no words what it was like to witness this in my own house. I mean, I have seen people pray to Jesus before, lead them in that prayer, but my own daughter. That was beyond speechless, just as what happened on the cross. So incredible, we could never put it into words nor could we ever comprehend. 

So, as you wake up tomorrow, maybe even read this, the empty tomb fulfilled a promise and gives us hope. 

Much Love,

Jennifer

We are not out of the "Woods"

There are so many titles that I could use for this post, She Knows, The Day that Royally Stunk, The Day her Mama and Girl Cried, or the best, We Will Never Be Out of the Woods. 

I knew something was up on Wednesday. My normally sweet girl was abnormally, not herself. She was sassy as can be, didn’t want to spend time with her mama. Thursday we continued much of the same behavior. Now, I know that we all have our bad days, but this was not normal for our girl. Friday morning, We went to go get her out of her bed and it was rough. She had an accident (again not normal). But it was not just an accident, but a soak through. And, what broke this mama is that she laid in it all night afraid to get us up. 

Of course, we got her cleaned up, reassured her talked with her, but were also in a rush to get to school. On the way out the door, she started talking about China, and where she came from. As we were headed to school, a pivotal question was asked, why didn’t I come from your body. 

As I pulled into school, my thought was, this was it. A moment that I dreaded as a mom, the moment where I would make or break her story. Oh goodness, did I pray. Because I knew, the words that I needed were not coming from me. And, so in car line, I pulled over and we talked. I answered her questions. I talked through the fact that she has a birth mom and for whatever reason she was allowing me to be her mom. We processed for a few minutes, and she said I was ready to go in, so I dropped her off. 

I prayed all day long. Shed tears, thought of my girl. Then I picked my girl up. She got into the car, we begin our normal conversation. And a little bit in the ride, I heard “ Mom, I have a broken heart about this morning.” And then the tears came, and came and came. I pulled over into a parking lot, near a closed down restaurant. I held my girl. I answered her questions. We cried together. Her sweet brain began to comprehend what she started processing the night before, she has a birth mom, she left her. We don’t know who she is and we don’t know who or why. Heavy stuff for a small heart. 

I, of course can’t begin to understand how she feels. Yeah sure, I have experienced abandonment in ways, but nothing like my girl. The trauma is real and no joke. But my mama’s heart was broken beyond measure. 

I couldn’t take the pain for my baby, I couldn’t heal her heart, I couldn’t give her the answers, all I could do was love her where she was at. All the while I was screaming inside, “this is not what parenting was supposed to be.”

I don’t really know how long we were there, it seemed like eternity and yet I know it wasn’t. But in that short time, my girl grew far beyond the years a 7-year-old should. As a mom, I felt as though a piece of her innocence was gone, robbed from her to quickly. 

We will be home 5 years in March. It has flown, in respect from my baby becoming a young lady. I will never take for granted again, that we could possibly be out of the woods. That is the thing with Trauma, you are never out of the woods. It is like an ugly weed, that keeps creeping and creeping along. You can treat it, you can work through it, but it will come back. It is lifelong baggage that you carry around. 

One of the things I have found is to face it head on. Whatever the ugly beast decides to deal, you process through it, get help for it, cry through it, whatever it might take. 

As I told my girl, I don’t know why God wrote her story this way. I don’t know why HE included these pieces. But, I have no doubt that I am supposed to be her mother. Her birth mom is someone to be honored. She could have decided very differently, and my girl would not be here. But she didn’t, and that is not lost on me.  As her mom, my job is not only to raise her, but to be there through all the tears, accidents, rages, and whatever is to comes as work through things. 

I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this as an update, more so a reminder. If you know a family who has adopted, is adopting, fostering, or have kids who come from hard places, don’t forget to pray for them. Don’t forget to love on them, check in on them, not to dismiss when they say times are tough, and never forget, they are never out of the woods. 

Jennifer

 A friend sent this blog to me this morning, and I pulled this excerpt from it:

by Charonne on February 5, 2019 in Family, Honest Talk, Life, Mental Health, MKE Moms Blog, Mom, Parenting, Perspectives in Parenting

I hate you Trauma – you will not win. I don’t want to see your grasp fight for the present and the future of my children because of what they have experienced in the past.  I wish you didn’t exist and I wish that I had never needed to learn so much about you. I wish you would leave me and my children alone! But I will not let you win. You may be a part of my children’s lives, but you will not have their lives. We will fight you today and tomorrow and forever if that’s what it takes.

I am in this forever. This motherhood I dreamed of may be more difficult than I expected, but it is also more beautiful in ways that I never knew to dream for. So bring it on trauma – I’m living my dream and you won’t change that. 

Bye Bye 30's

Bye Bye 30’s

Yesterday was a milestone, so I hear from people.  Although, I would rather not admit it, I turned 40.

I spent some time leading up to this just reflecting on all the life that I have lived the past 10 years, accomplishments, goals, lessons learned etc.

I thought I would write a goodbye letter to my 30’s. I haven’t blogged in a while, I have much to say, much that has been going on. Transition has left a thick cloud in my life as I walk through it. So, maybe this is a way to kick off the blog again.

Dear 30’s,

You were a wild ride to say the least. As I reflect on all the life changes that you brought, I dub you the wild ride.

It started with walking my future Father in Law home one month in. 5 days after that I got engaged, and 6 months later I was a married woman. Marriage has proven to be nothing short of sanctify. Has been good in every way and trying in every way.

I also learned the value of being debt free, and continuing to stay that way. The fact will continue on as long as I live.

I have stayed with the same line of work for the past 10 years. In fact my 30^th, was my first birthday at this company and was lucky enough to celebrate my 40^th this past week with them as well. What a treasure it has been to be at this place.

I traveled the world in some sense. 6 trips to China, one to Italy and countless trips across the US. I can’t really say how many airline miles I have logged, but it is nothing short of thousands.

I survived 7 surgeries, losing several body parts in the process. I battled a nasty disease, that resulted in my womb being evicted forever. This was rough to say the least. Three years later I can say that I am better for it, although the label of infertile, will always haunt me. My body has changed in ways that I am still working on trying to fix.

I became a mom, that was no small feat. 30 months, lots and lots of paperwork, social workers, background checks, medical exams, allowed me to be a mama to a sweet girl I traveled 12,000 miles to bring home. Not what I thought it would look like, and yet everything that I imagined and more.

I walked my Grandma home. I miss her everyday, but what an honor it was to be present through her last years of life in a real big way. It allowed me to see her more, love on her and have the honor of knowing that I served her as best I could.

Both my parents got married and divorced in this decade. It has been a good learning process to say the least walking with them through these processes.

I have watched, walked and learned through many relationship changes. Someone so close to home, they have broken my heart, however I have full trust in the fact that they can be redeemed someday.

The great move to Texas. We had built a community in GA, a family that we dearly loved. I had to leave those who know the depths of my soul, and learn that community does not have to be right in front of you. It can come in all forms and be good.

And these are just a few small listings of things that took place. There are so many many more. But I think the greatest that I walk away with from my 30’s is the work I did on myself. It was a decade of ups and downs that came with hours upon hours of work on my heart. I have processed through the past, years beyond what I thought I could. I have learned to not let others actions rule my emotions, to know when to step away and let things be. To say it is not ok to treat me this way. I have learned that I truly am a person of value and a person who deserves to be loved. I have learned the value of serving others, loving till it hurts and even when it does not make sense.

I don’t think I could be looking at 40 with the set of eyes I am without the 30’s taking place. This world is a crazy place, people are up in arms for small things and big things. People can hate and allow that hate to grow and grow to a wall bigger than the Great Wall and hurt because of it. For me, that is not who I want to be. Doesn’t matter if what color runs through me, my belief in Jesus and my love for others will guide my 40’s.

I am learning to embrace this new decade, with a thankfulness for all that I have lived so far, all that I have seen and with the notion that I was put on this earth for specific reasons. My hope is that I can execute those reasons even better than I did in the last decade.

Thank you for your birthday wishes and kind words,

Jennifer

I just don't have love for you right now

It has been several months since I have written. We have lived much life in that time.

We have been in the troughs of transition with acclimating to life in Texas, we have spent 5 days being magical at Disney World, we have celebrated Christmas and New Years, and Easter. We have also celebrated our 4^th family day and have had many in between moments. It has been a wide range of emotions through all those times that have taken us on an incredible journey.

I have never believed on sugar coating our story. It is clear in the bible that we are not guaranteed a comfortable life filled with all the joys and no lows. Through our adoption journey, I have been very open about willing to share some of those (protecting others for the sake of our girl). But with the true intention that this is a journey, one that never stops, and one that is not to take lightly.

And still, 4 years later we are still not taking it lightly. There was a day coming, that I knew would come. I had hoped we had a little more time in answering as we answered the little questions about China.

If you look at our Facebook Page you will see a happy family. We don’t post the pics of the tears, or say that parenting is hard, or say at even moments, I just want to run. But parents don’t say that unless they are in close quarters with friends or on closed support groups or even in the confines of a counselors’ office. Come on, what would the world think of us.

Let me tell you, I could have posted all of the above a week ago.  My girl, my sweet, fun loving, joy filled little girl finally put some things together about her story and knew that there 29 months before us of life she lived. There was a “family” before us. And she grieved, lashed out and put up a wall.

While I will leave out all the details to protect her, the words that I never thought I would hear “Mama, I just don’t have love for you right now”, Came out of her mouth.

I sat on my couch and cried. Michael was out of town, I was alone and I cried. For three nights, straight I cried. And so, I did the one thing I knew to do, pray and call on prayer warriors.

Now, before I continue, I know there are some that will say every child will go through this. No! Not every child goes through this. Not every child is born, carried for 9 months in a womb and then for whatever reason given up for adoption. Not every child will spend time in an orphanage in a steel crib and wonder where their next meal comes from, laying for hours crying for someone to sooth them.  Not every child will go through the waiting and wondering when they will get a mama. This is not normal for Children. It stacks, stacks and stacks and creates a heart with not very good coping mechanisms along with walls and sadness that are buried deep within their hearts. This deeply buried pain, will someday surface. And, some of ours has.

What next, we are looking for help. We have had some gracious people come into our lives in various ways who are helping us find the right person. We are not going to hide, stuff it under the rug, we are going to face it head on, and learn how to deal. I want my girl to love her story, to be ok with it, understand it, and be able to share it with others.

Four year later, 4, my child still lives in fear of being left. Despite constant (Sometimes draining) presence in her life, no absence of necessities and the leaving and coming, still she has a fear of being left. Now, with an added layer of, well my first family left me.

But there are some other lessons that have come out of this weekend.

What is means to unconditionally love, really do you know what that is when it is put to the test? Do you know what it means to say the words, I love you even when the person that you are saying them to just told you they can’t love you right now.

It reminds me of Jesus and I. What it is like for him to still utter the words I love you, despite how he might not agree with me, how I might break His heart. But yet, His unconditional love withstands.

Man, kids can trigger you. My greatest fear, trigger, whatever you want to call it, is worth and value. It was certainly put to the test this weekend as a mom. Leaving me questioning am I worthy enough to be her mom, am I sucking at my job, what did I do wrong. Reality check- I am worthy to be her mom because she was put into my arms, I am not sucking at my job just because we need to seek some third-party help. In fact, that is what I call being healthy.

And the other piece I learned, the value of showing your kids your emotions in truth and love. There is nothing wrong with H seeing me cry. There is nothing wrong with her knowing that her mama has feelings and seeing that she is processing through them.

I don’t write this all to seek out sympathy, I write this as a way to process, but also to show the reality that we are indeed in a constant battle for our babies hearts and lives. What if we gave our babies the space to speak and not teach them that feelings are not to be spoken of, that they are bad and need to be kept in the closet. What if we grieved together what grieves them? I wonder what kind of adults we would ultimately shape.

Jennifer