See Ya 2015

See ya 2015

Sitting here on the final days of 2015, and reflecting on this past year and it has brought, there are moments that I relish, moments I am thankful for, and moments that I am glad to see go. I am not ashamed to say, this was not my best year.

I have been reminded this year as I reflect that the promises of the bible. They are not promises that everything will be honky dory, that life will be perfect. But that indeed there will be trials amongst the joy.

James 1:2-4
 Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Loss- this year has proved to be one filled with loss throughout the year. It came in waves, and in ways I did not expect.

I lost near and dear people this year. The first and foremost being my grandma. Her brother had passed away in January. All their lives, the did everything together. So I knew in January time was short. I am grateful beyond measure of the relationship I had with her. Although I am lucky to say I have no regrets when it comes to her, I miss her greatly, especially our weekly phone conversations.

My body was another loss. And in all honesty, I didn't really consider the loss side of it until a fellow adoptive mama is another state asked me in am email " how are you dealing with the loss your surgery brings". Those words were pivotal to me heart and in a way gave me an open door to grieve what has gone on with my body the last several years, with it coming to this surgery in November. And as I still heal, and maneuver through the next several months of a balancing act, I am grateful for the future free of pain, but anxious to feel normal.

Relationships were another huge hit this year. I have seen and experienced friends take a step back from life with me. Life changes, takes different directions. But I have also seen people step back as we walked this road this year maybe because what I was experiencing pierced their own hearts in ways they don't know how to handle or they want to avoid. Whatever the reason it stinks. I have also had relationships take a turn sour. Trust be broken, lies told, the course of life changed. Labels spoken over my head, levels of shame unfortunately I let creep in.

My girl, this one cuts deep into her mama. While there have been so many positive moments but , the heart breaking parts cut deep. The honeymoon has ended and real life has kicked in.  This real life, I am discovering in the adoption world and outside that are rarely talked about. Her anxiety of being left by her mama and baba is deeply embedded in her heart. Her processing of who she is and her beginning story is being put together in her little heart and brain. I often find myself in tears over the fact that I get to be her mama and feeling overwhelmed about being her mama. Who really likes to say that their kids are struggling .

But despite all this my God is faithful. This year has also been filled with many joys, laughs, discovery, and learning.

My girl has done so much growing this year. Not just in height, but personality, heart, knowledge and concepts. She brain is swelling with information, new things learned each and everyday. School is one of her great loves. Spending time being a goof ball is another.

My friends, there are many near and dear to my heart that are treasures. I have seen people come along side of us in incredible ways to love on my family. Without them I would have not made it through the seasons I had. I am thankful for the relationships that have deepened in growth. The people who encourage me to walk deeper, and those who flat out just love, I am so humbled they are in my life.

As this year closes, I am thankful that my husband and I held it together for 6.5 years. He is a rock in staying put and mulling through life with me. I am glad we get to do it together, as a team.

I thinking about this year closing out, the lessons I have learned have been good. The have been good for the soul, humbling, encouraging, and stretching.  I am excited for what 2016 has for me, my girl and my little family.


Jennifer

Psalm71:14
As for me, I will always have hope;
 I will praise you more and more.