As we come to the 9.5 month of waiting, 38 weeks of waiting, it is hard to wrap my mind we are still waiting. What is even an odder thought, had I been pregnant in January, I would have possibly given birth by now or be awfully close. And so in recent weeks, I have been feeling the pressing of not being fully a girl. This is something, that I have spent sometime wrestling with and still do.
My body parts, that the world defines as making me a girl are dying a slow death through my eyes. It is a painful death for me physically but also emotionally and mentally. I have, and still wrestle with it. I am having surgery on Thursday, basically it will give me more time as a complete female. But I know that day is coming, more than likely before I am 40, that I will no longer be a “complete female”.
Just seeing those words on paper grieve my heart. I will admit, especially in recent weeks at the timeline stretches on and I draw closer to my surgery, I have had these fleeting thoughts that if I had a different wardrobe I would feel prettier, or maybe if I had a different haircut etc, that would make me feel more of a complete female. But the reality that is not truth by any sense. It might be truth for the world, but not truth in my heart.
The grieving process is happening. Yes you read that right, The grieving process, it is something that can take place at anytime, on any subject matter, not just a death of a loved one.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. There was a time about four years ago, when I finally figured out what had happened, and why things that once worked before were not working now, where I was in a deep denial. That this is was not so and it would change. And then I went through a stage of anger. Occasionally this stage still creeps up. Where I am angry when someone gets pregnant (although I am also over the moon) where I think back to my days in social work where there were people that maybe should not have had kids or at least that many because they were not taking care of them. (You all know what I mean). I have even bargained especially with God. Well if I do this, then will you do this. Crazy I know, and totally not how He operates. And now, if I truly admit it to myself and the world, the depression piece. I am so sad and I wrestle with it. I wrestle with the fear, doubt, the chemical imbalance in my body, the waiting, the desires of my heart.
And yet, I sit and think about the many attributes and promises that I have because of what happened on the cross so long ago. It was already dealt on Calvary. God knew when he knit me together in my mother’s womb that I would face this, and the only way to deal was with Him. While God has put people into my life that would walk somewhat of a similar journey, this is my personal journey. My only hope is that it would touch someone who is wrestling. The wrestle is fierce for my heart. Daily the words are whispered that I am not good enough. That this is not what Michael signed up for. But the covenant on my heart, sealed at the cross, combats and squashes everything that encompasses the lies. The Covenant that was formed on our wedding day, breaks any of those lies. God knew, he knew my whole life, no matter the journey that has taken place before, HE KNEW I would wrestle and grieve.
We have a poster on our bathroom mirror, with many verses on it about Who I am in Christ. It is a gentle reminder of Who I really am, although my flesh tries to tell me different.
Complete in Him: Galatians 2:20
Chosen: Ephesians 1:4, 1st Peter 2:9
The apple of my Father’s eye: Psalm 17:8
Healed by the stripes of Jesus: 1st Peter 2:24,
Being changed into His image: Philippians 1:6
Fearfully and Wonderfully made: Psalm 139:14
So, that is where we stand. Still waiting on a referral, and it is ok. We are called to deal with not only our current, but also past situations that still haunt us. Not having a child in this house at this current moment, has allowed me to be more present an aware than ever before.
Please be praying for Thursday, that the grief of waiting all day for an afternoon OR time does not overwhelm me, that being home all weekend, making arrangements because Michael still cannot drive it not to much.
The only answer that I have come up with, rests in God and the promises and that alone. There is nothing that this world holds that can answer it.
An Amazing Song, One I sing with such a fervent heart right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xD-Wz6CWOw
An Amazing Song, One I sing with such a fervent heart right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xD-Wz6CWOw
Holding my Heart High,
Jennifer
