Our family has
been under a bit of fire lately I guess you could say. Maybe fire is not the
right word, maybe just some big life changes coming.
Right before we
left on our family vacation we got some news, that we knew was coming and yet
we hoped beyond hope it would wait a little while longer. Having battled
endometriosis for the better portion of the past 10 years, I had reached a
threshold where I was at the end of my rope. Being in a constant source of pain
for at least 2/3rds of every month had definitely worn its welcome out. We
tried in April to stave it off. Had surgery to clean it all out, some relief
was a hope, along with maybe a child. We tried a fertility drug this summer. A
couple of rounds of clocking, waiting, hoping and our fleshly desire was not achieved.
Instead the risks that we took, the side effects that they had talked about all
came true. And so when I entered the Dr’s office in late office, she made her
recommendation. And after much prayer, talking and a couple of different
opinions, I will be having a total hysterectomy on November 23rd.
It is not a total
shock, I was told several years ago that I would more than likely not see 40
with all my parts. Due to how quickly, despite all the efforts we took to stave
it off, the endo just grew and grew. The battle has been long, hard, and often
in silence in the confides of my own home.
We sat on the new
for a couple of weeks, asking lots of questions to the Dr about the recovery
process along with what life looks like after. I cried after I told my mom and
dad, and then Michael told him mom. The reality sunk in for us that there would
never been a blood line relative coming from us. All of those people were
playing in my head of “Just wait till your adoption is over…. You will relax
and get pregnant”. And yet in some way we knew it.
We knew when we
watched God walk us through our first adoption, we knew with each passing
surgery, we knew when as we brought Hosanna home and we began our lives
together, we knew when we began the fertility drugs. This whole time we knew,
and yet we had to see.
So we grieve right
now. We grieve the children we cannot have, we grieve all the little things
that come with giving birth. And yet, we
are looking past as well. For sure we will be adopting again. For sure we know
that our family is suppose to grow. We know it will be tough, but it is the way
that we are to go.
“For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I am thankful. God has put some great women in my path
that have had Hysterectomies early in life.
They have been a great wealth of information in regards to hormone
therapy and such. It has made that end of the process seem just a little bit less
scary.
I am thankful for an amazing Dr. She is incredible
with her time answering my questions and such. I am also thankful that she can
do this robotically, which is less recovery time.
Thankful for friends coming forward to help watch our
girl while I am at the hospital, and for the 2 weeks following the surgery.
So while we grieve we rest in this…..
"Sometimes God allows us to
walk through difficult circumstances to accomplish His greater plans for our
lives and His Kingdom purposes."
My finite mind has great
difficulty comprehending, let alone understanding the infinite wisdom of God. I
tend to focus on the immediate moment...the immediate future and fail to see
how these difficulties are going to benefit anyone. I've looked at my life and
felt like Joseph's brothers must have - unfavored, unloved, uncontrolled,
unsuccessful...all the "uns". But I've grown through the negative
"uns" to appreciate the positive "uns". Unmeasurable,
unfathomable, unbelievable, unimaginable, unbreakable, uncontainable love of my
God. I am favored, I am loved, I am His. I've been in the pit...and I've begun
to see how these pits have been used for my protection...my growth...my
benefit. While these feel anything but good while I'm there, I'm learning to
trust His purpose. He allows me to experience consequences of choices that are
not aligned with His will, then he uses these times to create beauty from
ashes. -Teresa Rinehart
A few people that I have talked to have expressed how
sorry they are. And my response can only be this, please do not be sorry for
His plans. Just pray for us to accept them with a whole heart.
Jennifer
