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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

The Big H

Our family has been under a bit of fire lately I guess you could say. Maybe fire is not the right word, maybe just some big life changes coming.

Right before we left on our family vacation we got some news, that we knew was coming and yet we hoped beyond hope it would wait a little while longer. Having battled endometriosis for the better portion of the past 10 years, I had reached a threshold where I was at the end of my rope. Being in a constant source of pain for at least 2/3rds of every month had definitely worn its welcome out. We tried in April to stave it off. Had surgery to clean it all out, some relief was a hope, along with maybe a child. We tried a fertility drug this summer. A couple of rounds of clocking, waiting, hoping and our fleshly desire was not achieved. Instead the risks that we took, the side effects that they had talked about all came true. And so when I entered the Dr’s office in late office, she made her recommendation. And after much prayer, talking and a couple of different opinions, I will be having a total hysterectomy on November 23rd.

It is not a total shock, I was told several years ago that I would more than likely not see 40 with all my parts. Due to how quickly, despite all the efforts we took to stave it off, the endo just grew and grew. The battle has been long, hard, and often in silence in the confides of my own home.

We sat on the new for a couple of weeks, asking lots of questions to the Dr about the recovery process along with what life looks like after. I cried after I told my mom and dad, and then Michael told him mom. The reality sunk in for us that there would never been a blood line relative coming from us. All of those people were playing in my head of “Just wait till your adoption is over…. You will relax and get pregnant”. And yet in some way we knew it.

We knew when we watched God walk us through our first adoption, we knew with each passing surgery, we knew when as we brought Hosanna home and we began our lives together, we knew when we began the fertility drugs. This whole time we knew, and yet we had to see.

So we grieve right now. We grieve the children we cannot have, we grieve all the little things that come with giving birth.  And yet, we are looking past as well. For sure we will be adopting again. For sure we know that our family is suppose to grow. We know it will be tough, but it is the way that we are to go.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I am thankful. God has put some great women in my path that have had Hysterectomies early in life.  They have been a great wealth of information in regards to hormone therapy and such. It has made that end of the process seem just a little bit less scary.

I am thankful for an amazing Dr. She is incredible with her time answering my questions and such. I am also thankful that she can do this robotically, which is less recovery time.

Thankful for friends coming forward to help watch our girl while I am at the hospital, and for the 2 weeks following the surgery.

So while we grieve we rest in this…..

"Sometimes God allows us to walk through difficult circumstances to accomplish His greater plans for our lives and His Kingdom purposes."

My finite mind has great difficulty comprehending, let alone understanding the infinite wisdom of God. I tend to focus on the immediate moment...the immediate future and fail to see how these difficulties are going to benefit anyone. I've looked at my life and felt like Joseph's brothers must have - unfavored, unloved, uncontrolled, unsuccessful...all the "uns". But I've grown through the negative "uns" to appreciate the positive "uns". Unmeasurable, unfathomable, unbelievable, unimaginable, unbreakable, uncontainable love of my God. I am favored, I am loved, I am His. I've been in the pit...and I've begun to see how these pits have been used for my protection...my growth...my benefit. While these feel anything but good while I'm there, I'm learning to trust His purpose. He allows me to experience consequences of choices that are not aligned with His will, then he uses these times to create beauty from ashes. -Teresa Rinehart

A few people that I have talked to have expressed how sorry they are. And my response can only be this, please do not be sorry for His plans. Just pray for us to accept them with a whole heart.




Jennifer

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