Puppies do not Fart Rainbows

  

There has been a lot of mulling over this post. Actually for weeks. But something on a chat board I am on the other day prompted me to feel like the spirit saying put it out there.

And really I do not know, maybe our adoption is the tip of the iceberg in what God is going to do in my life through this experience. I definitely can feel the ground work being laid through this experience and several others that I have had, that working with adoptive families might be in my future. Not to sure if it is through a book, group at our church or what, but something for sure is in the air.

So there is a theme that has come across on an adoption board that I am on. The theme is that adoption is very romanticized. It is this great rescue mission that we have embarked on. One where when we come home, puppies, rainbows and nothing but joy appears. That I am my kids knight in shining armor. And the church helps support this idea. That the work that it takes to actually get kids home is it. And when you do the walk off the plane, you indeed have puppies in your mist that fart rainbows. Everything is glorious and grand. And that is so far from the truth.

 

I have discovered since I have been back that bringing home your adoptive child is just not as glorious as people make it. So many friends have disappeared from our lives since we left for China. No phone calls when we came back, no “how are you doing”.  This is the church?? Seriously?? I have had more contact with strangers walking this journey, than I have had with people I have known for years.

And maybe, it is because I am honest and raw about what I am going through. While indeed, We have a kid who in some aspects we rescued from her orphanage. Who knows where she would be or have gone if she did not come into our home. But that came at a cost for her, just like all kids that come from a situation, that are not what God had intended initially for them. God did not design his people to not be in family units. He did not design for kids to be abandoned by their parents or for families to break apart. And, because of her being left at such an early age, she comes with grief, security issues, food issues, sleep issues, and doubt issues. All of which rear their ugly head at anytime. All of which weigh on this mama. All of which are sometimes hard to bear because there is no comfort that I can give. All of which have brought me to my knees and a broken heart 

many many times. And that is just my daughter (right now, we haven’t even got to the questions that she will ask down the line), who by all accounts has had is relatively smooth transition thus far. But what about the 10 year old coming with such deep seeded wounds that any form of good love is not something that can be accepted. So there are no I Love You’s for that mom and dad. No hugs, just exacerbation from all the trying. Or the 4 year old who cannot speak what they are really feeling and throws violent fits when he is triggered. Again, in those homes along with thousands of others there are no puppies farting rainbows.  There are parents crying out to only a select few maybe even not a few, because their adoption lost all the romantic interest.

There are only a select few who have stuck by our side, watched my tears and listened to our transition. There are several whom I know that pray for my girl on a consistent basis. They appreciate the raw, honest way I have walked this out. They appreciate that I am not willing to stuff myself so that I can be the next Thanksgiving turkey.

We are lucky, very very incredibly lucky. Not all families have that. I am so thankful for the support that I have found online through strangers. Folks that are walking through the trenches, who get it. It stinks that a huge base of my support, and support for others families comes through social media, but in some way it is also great at the same time.

So if you are reading this, and wondering what is next, there are some practical things that you can do. And of course, I am so not an expert, however, I have learned some very very hard lessons. 

·  * Check in with parents who have brought home their kid. More than the initial meal drop off when they first get off the plane. Ask after they have been home a couple of weeks, How are you doing? Not just how the child is doing.

·    * Please, please, please do not treat them like a super hero. They are normal parents, growing their family. But understand that they are probably going through some deep transition, grief, heavy hearts for their kids etc. The last thing I want to hear is that that rescued a kid that is in the depths of their pain at the current moment.

·   * Drop off a meal sometimes, after they have been home a while. You might just be the blessing that day that was so needed.

·    * Understand that if boundaries are communicated, it really is in the best interest of their child. It is what the family needs to survive.

·    * Pastors: I even hesitate to write, because you all have been given a big big job, but call your people when they get home, visit something to check in. Please check in when they are not in church for several weeks because of issues with their children.

·   * Respite care is huge!!! If you are willing, let folks know that you are willing to come sit at their house with the kid(s) so they can go get some coffee. This may mean after their kids are asleep, (as to cause no trauma) so it might be a late night, but this is helpful. Remember, the family is in survival mode for a while.

Anyway, there is my rant. Puppies do not fart rainbows in any arena. I so wish, maybe just like Disney princesses, this crazy romantic view would change. It is hard, deep, rough, intense, hopeful, joyus, happy, incredible all rolled into one.

Remember- true fellowship, talked about in 1^st John is not allowing others to walk in the darkness in their homes, is not allow them to feel shame because the rainbow puppies are not currently located in their house, but rather to love them and these dear ones through it and allow them to see the light.

1^st John 1:5-7

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

Jennifer

330 plus a few

It has been 11 months since we have come back. Seems like it was yesterday and yet in some way, it seems like we cannot remember a time where she was not here.

First time having dumplings since we left China. She ate a dozen!

Her English is taking off. Three and four word sentences coming out each and everyday. She probably has about a 200 word vocabulary at this point. She is actually chatting our ears offJ She has grown 4.5 inches, one shoe size and has gone from a 24 month clothing to a 4T. Most women probably wish their wardrobe could change every 10 weeks like her!

She is finally learning how to play by herself for periods at a time (which is a huge accomplishment). She pallet seems to be changing which is equaling more and more veggies! The night terrors are not as frequent, and we can pretty much predict when they are going to happen. She is in a toddler bed, and more than likely, sometime before the summer will be in a big girl bed.

Her stuffed animals are now being engaged in some fun to watch imaginary play. It is actually hilarious just how much her and “hot dog” do together.

She really enjoys seeing her “buddies”. Between Sunday school, a bible study and now a mothers morning out group, she gets to see, socialize, play, and interact with buddies a couple of days a week. We are really seeing just what a social butterfly she probably was in her orphanage. And so, we are signing her up for preschool to begin in August. As her mama, I am really excited for her and yet sad, that time indeed is flying by so quickly.

Her comprehension skills are incredible. It will not be before long, that we will not be able to spell things out in front of her. And she watches both of us like a hawk. So we need to always be on our game. She has been a good teacher to point out some of my bad habits.

Daddy, Daughter Date night

30 days to go…. We are planning our first “Family Day”. In the adoption world, most call it Gotcha Day. Let me say, before I explain our change, I have nothing personally against others calling it Gotcha Day. It makes total sense, However for us we just do not feel like it is what we should be naming it. After talking with some adoptees (who are older) and praying about it we just do not feel like it is a fit for our family. We have also decided there will be no gifts, those will be saved for birthdays, Christmas etc. The biggest difference between this day and others, is there will be intentional family time, unplugged, just the three of us. We are actually planning to take her to the aquarium and then have a quiet dinner together as a family with Cathy. (If you remember she came to China with us to get Hosanna). It is a day that all of our lives were changed forever, and it should be celebrated.

 

On our way to Mothers Morning Out!

Overall, in the past year she has done incredibly well. I say that with some hesitation, as I know that we are not totally “out of the woods” yet in regards to transition, but overall it has been fairly smooth. Our problems that we have encountered have been minor compared to some. I know a lot of that has to do with the kid we got, her age, and maybe we prepared for somethings. The ability to spot potential issues has been really helpful making workarounds on the fly.

So being a mama for 11 months to my gal has taught me a ton about living a life that is selfless. It has taught me that there is still much much work to do on my heart in regards to my sin, dealing with the ick in my past and redeeming for the future especially for her future.

The past 11 months as her mama, has completely changed my life. I have experienced some emotions that I did not even know were possible. I have run the roller coaster of thoughts. Moments of intensity more than I thought I could bear, moments of anger about various aspects of this journey, grief beyond what I would be able to comprehend in my own heart. I have been thankful to have an outlet, through this blog and share. Some have called me crazy because of the things I am willing to share, or that my heart may have a more tender side then theirs.

Living this journey out through timed convenience, is not part of being part of our journey on a daily basis.  I was listening to a sermon the other day, and it provided a great nugget as I continue to walk our journey out….. The Gospel free us up from pretending we are not a mess. God has already said we are, hence the need for the Gospel. So, I am coming to peace with being crazy, sensitive, opening up my heart in hopes that it speaks to someone else.

There is lots that I am thinking through and processing coming up on this anniversary. We have gone from a baby, to a toddler, to an almost kindergartener in a matter of a year. That is a lot to take in and process.

Happy New Year!!! Yes in China it is New Years, and we will be celebrating this weekend!

Jennifer