I am amazed as I
write this, that I am even thinking about posting it. Why I feel this
incredible amount of shame as I write is really baffling to me. But I know
where it comes from. Our society has dictated expectations about it all my
life, people in my own family and flippant comments from the world, have all
participated in the commenting on and influencing on my life. But as we have
experienced this head on over the years and it rearing it’s ugly head in the
past couple of months, it is time in sort, to speak out about it. And really
why not, this is the freedom I am given living here, and why should I and
others like me walk in shame.
Not to many know,
in fact just a small group of prayer warriors we have been communicating with
know that we have been going through fertility treatments the past couple of
months. Now, we are not doing IVF, or IUI’s, we drew a line long ago where we
would stop, but we are trying with fertility drugs and such. And all attempts
have failed.
When I had my
surgery in April, it was the third and final attempt to stave off the
endometriosis that chronically wreaks havoc on my body. It was the last surgery
I will be having. The next will be to take it all out and finally put an end to
it. But it was also prime opportunity and the best opportunity at having a
baby. Now, I have never been one that has had the “need” to produce my own
child. I see the benefits and experience the joy of not, each and everyday..
But what I have realized in these couple of months, is that the parts of me
that cry out, are those that realize it will more than likely be 2-3 years
before our next child enters this home. When you walk out adoption, it takes a
while for not just paperwork, but also to put the money together. And yes,
there are cheaper ways to adopt, but they may not be a fit for us. And, then
the mind whirls with, what if our next child doesn’t like us, the battle for
building a bond will be real etc.
So we thought we
would go for it. The drugs were covered for the most part under our insurance.
The Dr. said up to three rounds she would allow. The side effects have been
pretty rough to say the least. And unfortunately, we are stopping at two
rounds. After discussing with the Dr. last week about the side effects, the
failed attempts along with cysts now growing, it is just not wise to continue.
But it is also the emotional toll. Of hoping, praying, and then see this…..
It
takes a toll on the heart.
We choose not to
tell to many mainly because we didn’t want the questions. How to do you feel?
Know anything yet? Etc. But before we started we also knew that we were not
done with adoption. Oddly enough, I did not have huge expectations with this
drug. I think in a sense my own flesh was trying to mess with God’s plan for
our family.
So we are now
talking about the next adoption, when to start, where, boy or girl, financial
pieces…… Praying praying praying.
So our family more
than likely will not be a big family. When you are pushing 40, and the kids
coming into your home are in 3-5 year increments, well you can do the math. I am still trying to gear myself up for
adoption number two, I can’t imagine the folks that go through this 5,6,7,8,9
etc times. It actually blows my mind. But I also am beginning to see the
expectations that people put on small families. In some cases I feel looked
down upon by those that have larger families. It’s is almost like people think
we don’t understand what it is like to manage multiple schedules, what it is
like to have to take our kid places, balancing seeing people, traveling. We manage
multiple schedules, including therapy, evaluations for different things, both
of us working, school, out of school activities. We manage the regression
moments, the stress traveling puts on our girl, how she has nightmares when she
is shuffled around. The moments when there is no connection between us and her,
and many other things not listed there.
Please do not ever
say you don’t know what it is like to have a large family. You are right I
don’t know what it is like, I never pretend to know what it is like, and I
probably never will know what it is like. But I also know what works for my
child and what doesn’t. I know what boundaries to set in place to protect her,
I know where we have flexibility to push her and where it is just to much.
What I have
learned through this process is to face it head on. Not to stuff it, not to
hide behind it, and not to be silent. Not to walk in the shame. We grieve, but we are also thankful
families are not just built by birthing in a hospital, but I am thankful that
my heavenly Father made another way. I don’t know why God gives people desires
on their heart, and decides to fill them in other ways. I sit in my mini
van and think, why in the world did we get this car. We will more than likely
never fill the seats with our kids, and yet maybe we can fill them with others
kids that we can minister to. But I also rest in the hope that my God is way
bigger, and HE can choose to change his mind in the end. And if He doesn't it is ok, we are praying for where the next addition to our family will come from.
