Our Journey East (A little farther east): March 2016

It has been some time since I have written. Not that I don’t have things to write. Incredible milestones have been happening, wonderful celebrations, fun moments and lots of growth. But, for me this season has been hard. It has been one of the driest deserts I have ever experienced.

When we found out about the end of the road in regards to my body, and made the decision, it was not without a lot of weight, thought etc to the end result. We had firmly felt, and still do today that in regards to fertility treatments we were not suppose to go any further, and I still believe that today. I get a sense that God was protecting us from something by saying no to our birthing a child. I was at peace with the decision. And so the 8-10 weeks leading up to the surgery I processed through, talked with friends, worked out our schedule for our family etc, all in preparation of the day. Praying and hoping for relief that should come as a result.

And then the day came, and the tears came. It was not because I had regrets but I never really was able to, thought of or did anyone say it is ok to grieve. I got the notes of encouragement from people saying how strong I was, how I would be ok etc, and those are all great, but grief seems to be one thing that people as a whole stays away from.

Fast forward, it has been 4 months since I had hormones in my body. It has been rough on that front. While there are some natural things you can do to help, they really don’t provide the full combo that you need. My recovery has been less than ideal. Other parts of my body (as a result of multiple surgeries in that region) have been having issues, so I had been driving 75 minutes each way once a week for very specialized physical therapy. And that of course is costing us an arm and a leg. (thankfully I am seeing benefits to it). I have had a couple of infections due to my immune system taking a hit and most recently having some issues with tissue not healing properly. These have all brought a level of discouragement.

And it is interesting, through all this I grieved in some ways. I am very discouraged by where my body was at, expectations that were not met in regards to recovery etc. My relationship, sad to say with Jesus, has been dry, And, if you are a believer reading this you know what I mean. It is that desert that can grieve your heart. I have receded from friends more, this blog, missed birthdays etc.

But it hasn’t been until the past couple of weeks where the grief came full circle. Where hidden things come out of the closet that you did not know were there. I have friends announcing their pregnancies, and when I say friends…. There are more than the fingers on one hand to count. Exciting times, new life coming, and we celebrate with them. But with each one, I have realized the grief that I have in my heart. Of course I had no clue until these things were being announced, and they have been gracious in accepting my apologies if my reactions were not what they expected.

Fertility is a lonely struggle. It is one that you feel a great deal of shame about because you can’t do what you have been told all your life you are suppose to do. There are great highs (when you think things are working) and great lows when you realize they have not. You feel like you are on a island and are fearful to share that with anyone. Just as when we were adopting, some may know and some may not, we said no to 5 little faces before Hosanna. There were many reasons, but we grieved and grieved one really hard, similar to one that miscarries. We didn’t tell many people, mainly because of answers to the why questions, but also the grief and shame of saying no. It is similar to fertility treatments, you walk this island alone and in shame.

And so, all of this combined over the past few months have left me in a place of feeling deep shame because my body could not. Grief of little things you miss out of when you adopt, and just a burning desire to feel normal.

My blessed husband has been a trooper through all of this. He has weathered a storm of emotional wife. With a smile every month working through our budget to afford my physical therapy, multiple Dr visits, extra gas in the car etc. My girl, has also weathered this storm allowing her mama to be sad on occasion, giving extra hugs and kisses.

During the recent weeks, we celebrated our 2^nd Family Day. Some in the adoption community call it Gotcha Day, but in our family we call it family day. We were given the opportunity to have a place to stay near the ocean in FL for no cost. And so for 48 hours we hunkered down together as a family and just enjoyed the company of each other. It was hard to head south, knowing there were so many people to visit, but after the past several months, we needed it. We needed the time to celebrate our family, we needed the time to just play, we needed the time to talk with Hosanna about her story. And we were grateful for it.

Help has come in the form of hormones and just being able to talk this through with someone. She has been a comfort, challenging me, giving me the ability to name my limits in this journey and be ok with my limits. She has also challenged me to no be afraid of saying no, and knowing my own limits. I have been incredibly blessed to have met someone, who has walked this road, infertility, hysterectomy and adoption. She has been a gift in talking through some things. There is nothing like meeting someone who has shared some of the same steps with you.

I have been reflecting a ton over this Easter holiday. It has been a great reminder that my Jesus already conquered this. He already conquered everything that I have been through. His empty tomb is part of a far greater plan than my empty womb. I am thankful beyond words that I have a heavenly Father who knew this was going to happen and has still been willing to hold his daughter through this all. Just as the empty tomb revealed its Glory on that Sunday, so will this process someday.

Thanks for listening,

Jennifer