September 2, 2016
I have been eagerly
trying to pen this post several times over the past 30 days. Having a block on
the exact words to use as it is hard to explain this concept in my heart and
the relief along with a feeling of accomplishment it brings.
 |
| The Day she was found |
In late July, we
finally reached an incredible milestone with our girl that would have only come
with time, we have been a family longer than she was in the orphanage.
Adoptive parents know
what I am talking about, the idea that you have had your child longer than they
were in waiting. I know for some reading this blog there is probably a long
sigh, as you are still in the trenches of the newness, or your child/ren were
way older than mine and the fight for just simple trust continues to be fierce.
Being able to provide consistent love,
learning, nourishment from the same people begins to squash and heal the wounds
of the past.
I have seen the changes
in my girl over the past 29 months. She no longer self-copes at night. There is
no more sucking her thumb, rocking herself to sleep. There fear of not having
food is dying, somedays almost feeling like it has gone. Her ability to love
without condition of manipulation is slowly disappearing. Simple things like
being able to sleep in her room despite her mama not being home that night.
We have seen a lot of
growth in her recently, she is gaining her independence. Dressing herself,
learning words in books, being able to voice her needs. She is in a place right
now that if she is mad she is able to say so and take a break before her
actions are tied in with consequences. We talk about feelings and with each
passing day we talk through the story of our family.
Please don’t get me
wrong, we are not perfect. What is written above has taken a lot of blood,
sweat, tears and prayer. It has taken many late nights of sitting, rocking,
sleeping on the floor, learning the ins and outs of what bonding really looks
like. I have learned incredible things about the brain and attachment begin in
the womb and grow beyond. I have learned how my past and present bonds affect
my girl. I have been learning where to put boundaries in place and make her
world small when needed. It has been rewarding at times and exhausting at
others. It has been emotional and numbing. But in the end she is a little heart
that I can see the cracks, hurts turning into joys and triumphs.
Of course I recognize
that we have not done this alone. There is a village of people who have
surrounded us and loved us through all the ups and downs. People I can text at
night and say pray for her. People who rejoice when I can say “I got to rock my
girl to sleep for the first time”. People who love my girl for who she is and
the person that she is becoming without any stigmas hanging over her head.
I really have no way to
express the joy that this has brought me only to say we have been here longer
than she was there. And for that, I am grateful for where we are. In just a few
short days we will celebrate her turning the big old 5, it is our 3rd
birthday with her, and this year she is all in. Can’t wait!
Jennifer
