One year ago today, I
was in tears as I was being rolled into the OR. I thought I knew what to
expect, I thought I knew how the recovery was going to go. But of course with
anything, my expectations were thrown out the window and things have not gone
as planned by any means.
One of the things that
rocked me was the idea I was not a real mom without birthing my child. Or at
least I did not think I was. I have grieved the loss, deeply grieved the loss. I
know that in the long run this was the right decision, but it doesn’t mean that
it does not come at a price.
The grief this past
year has been intense, and only if you have been through this experience you
will know what I am talking about. Coupled with the lack or a hormonal balance,
I have felt a tremendous loss.
One of the lies that I
came into believe was that I was not made to be H’s mama. She has been home for
28 months and I didn’t believe I was made to be her mama. Of course the
unbalance of hormones along with my body stopping the production of all
chemicals. And during this time, 13 people announced their pregnancies to us. My
thought process pretty much went into shock and into a dark place. I believed
and bought into the fact that my girl was not supposed to be mine. I believed I
was not equipped to be her mama. And if we are going to be honest, I really
didn’t want to spend time with her. I remember saying, I don’t know if we will
make it through the summer.
By the grace of God the
light is coming. Of course I am on hormone therapy, which has brought help,
still working on it but a step in the right direction. There is finding those
who make me feel safe to process with and then those moments of reflection and
hearing the light spoke into my heart. I have learned to set boundaries in
regards to protecting my heart during pregnancies and such. Serving people, loving
people, celebrating people but on my own terms.
Since Hosanna came
home, I have repeatedly had a dream that there was a dark cloud of Asians
waiting at my front door to take her. It comes and goes, but it is intense,
fear driven and rooted in something so much more than someone coming to take my
kid. It is rooted in the depth of the past of not being worthy. That wound has
been hit time and time again through people their actions, life circumstances
and through my journey to motherhood.
One of the things that I have been walking through is my story and learning the similarities between my story and my girls’ story. Through, this along with prayer and just focus, I have seen that I was made to be her mama. And able to shut the door on that dream. I am good enough to be her mama, equipped with the right tools to be her mama.
·
My girl has
labels already on her head, adopted, disabled, abandoned, orphan, etc.
I
have worn labels, not necessarily the same as hers. Labels that I should have
never taken past the cross. And, so I can teach her not to do the same.
I was made to be her mama!
·
My girl has
experience trauma, abandonment, and hurts that cut deep into her heart.
I have
experience with abandonment (the same as hers but the feelings of knowing) and
various forms of trauma.
I was made to understand and made to be
her mama!
·
Her arm is
sometimes a disappointment to her. Especially in the times that she is around
other kids and gets frustrated.
My body
has completely disappointment me. Let me down and frustrated me to all ends. I
get what it means to be frustrated with your body.
I was made to be her mama!
There are other pieces of
her story in relation to trauma, that I can understand because of some of my
own trauma that I went through. Those however, will be saved for just us.
Grief is the other
lesson that I learned this year, and the fact that it is ok. It is ok to grieve.
It is ok to say I am not at my best today. It is ok to not have to put on a
face for everyone. It is ok to cry out to Jesus and say why, or what is next.
And as time goes on, little by little you heal and yet there will still be days
where there is pain, that the heart twinges a little and you feel overcome with
emotion. And that too is ok. I not quite sure why, but grief is one of those
things that people shy away from, they run at the sight of people grieving,
they lose words to say, or just get plain uncomfortable. And so those of us who
are, feel as though they are on an island waiting for the boat to come and get
us.
This year has been
exhausting to say the least. I am still in a place of regret in regards to the
surgery mainly because I can’t say that I have not felt normal yet. My body has
changed in ways I can’t stand. My emotions flow like the great waves of the
ocean. One that is still continuing because of on-going issues (rather
exhausting if you ask me) And yet, this has been a year where I have dug deep
in those oceans loosing myself in a different kind of healing process. I am
better for it; I just wish It would have come a different way.
Jennifer
