I have been mulling
over this post for many moons. Wavering between stuffing it into a box and
wanting to share so others may not experience what I have. And the other coin
is not feeling shame about the story that have been written for me. The shame
that I have spent the better part of the past two years processing through. 2018
is a year for me, and so I must clean out the old for that to happen.
To go a little bit
back, 2 years ago I had a hysterectomy. I was backed into a corner by my own
body. The disease that many do not speak of, had caused years and years of
immense pain. Took days from enjoying my life, took organs internally and
dragged them to places they should not have been. My life was decided around
it.
I had 5 surgeries prior
in attempt to keep it at bay. Which scare tissue built up after each one. After
the last clean out, we tried fertility drugs in an attempt of one last ditch
effort. That made my body only angrier and it revolted. I was put into the
corner and had to make a decision. I heard the final NO.
November 24, 2015, I
was wheeled into the OR, in tears knowing that my life would never be the same.
I had expectations of my recovery. Expectations set by my Dr. and my own
research. The past two years have brought nothing but unexpected.
It started with the
hearing the first 6 months of no Hormone Therapy. If you have been through this
you know what I mean. It was rough. After 6 months, I began the journey of trying
to find the right combo. Two years later, I am still working on trying to find
the right combo. I have been through some very intensive physical therapy to
strengthen all that was lost, and needling in my scare tissue to loosen it up
and heal. Seriously, I still feel like my body is revolting.
But more so, was the
deep sense of grief in the final NO. (Now, I hesitate to even write this next
part, mainly because some of my words may not be well received by some. What I
am sitting on is this is a story to be shared for someone. I believe that there
is someone out there who is walking this path.)
Grief that comes from the
final NO is not talked about with many. Frankly, in my opinion only those who
have gotten the final NO, to a dream or a desire of their hearts know what I am
talking about. My final NO was knowing that a child would not hear my heart
beat from the inside. My final NO, was not having that experience of holding my
baby close as they were formed inside my womb. My final NO was watching others
getting excited about my growing belly, my final NO was not experiencing the
birthing process and watching my husband’s face in the hospital as his child
was born. My final NO was not knowing what a child created with my genes and my
Husbands genes would look like.
My final NO left me
questioning God and my prayers to Him. If I was committed enough, if I prayed
enough, if I sought him enough. I wrestled with Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in
the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. This was a desire of
mine, why indeed was not it given.
To top all of that,
Within the first 6 months of my surgery 15 people announced their pregnancies
to me. Some deep friendships that I treasured. I struggled on putting up the
smile. I struggled with the proper way to support them. I struggled with
hearing their stories of their bodies. I frankly wanted to scream from the roof
top, WHAT ABOUT ME, WHY HASN’T ANYONE ASKED ME HOW I AM DOING, WHY DOESN’T ANYONE
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY PAIN. I felt cornered in my world of who to talk with.
And so, I wrestled, and
I wrestled hard. Thankfully someone saw that I needed to process. And I met
this incredible woman of Jesus. She was safe, and walked with me.
I sat for the first
time in her office and cried about where I was at. I walked in there with full
intention of processing my grief that I felt was because of my surgery. But
instead, this woman brought me to the depths of my soul. She had me unpack boxes
that I had buried so long ago in my heart that were screaming for healing. She
held my hand, cleaned my mind and gave me tools to walk through things that I
had previously stuffed, and when they triggered me I would stuff some more.
I felt like this tree
that had gone through the harsh winter and was stripped of the leaves that made
me a tree.
I cried more tears with
her than I have with anyone in my life. But she was there. She helped me learn
how to set proper boundaries in my life. Not just for myself personally but in
other relationships. How to walk out some things with my girl. She was my
shining light.
What I learned through
all of that, is that my final NO came with shame. I was walking not just in
grief but shame the world said that I was supposed to go through college, get
married and produce 2.5 kids. I couldn’t even produce one. I felt like a
failure. A complete and utter failure.
So, here I am 2 years
later. Able to feel the healing that came in that office with the windows that
overlooked pine trees. I know that indeed I am not a failure, but that there is
a different plan for me. I am thankful beyond words for the way that God
orchestrated my meeting this sweet woman. I am valued, treasured and well worth
Jesus dying on the cross for.
I have been able to put
boundaries in place so that my heart can be whole. I think when people have
been through things, they do not contemplate what that really looks like. So, I
am now ok with saying, Yes, I will come see your new born. However, it will be
after you come home from the hospital. I am ok with saying, I am not really the
most appropriate person to share all the details of your pregnancy with. I am
ok with changing things on my social media so I do not have to see every little
post of every pregnant person’s update. I am ok with missing baby dedications
my heart says it is needed. I am able to protect my heart in a healthy way. I don’t
feel shame anymore in saying that I can’t have children. Infertile is not the
label that I walk in.
Why write this all, many
have been asking why we haven’t started another adoption yet. My heart needed
to be healed before we could. And wisely so, I am better for it and my future
kids are as well.
Why else write this, I
believe with my heart, there are people out there who are walking in the same
shame that I was. Who feel like they are a failure, because they could not do
what they were told they should be able to do. Women need to know that it is ok
to grieve. You are not small because of it. It is ok to wrestle. There are so
many verses in the bible that I believe we have interpret in our mind and those
verses then mean what we want them to mean. Not really what Jesus is telling
us. I can’t say that I have come to terms with all of them. There is still some
wrestling that I am doing, but it is ok.
And yes indeed, I am a
mom. A mom to a spunky, beautiful, 6-year-old girl. But I missed the first 29
months of her life. I had to fight for 30 months, spend thousands of dollars
and meet her in a hotel room to become her mom. That journey isn’t for
everyone, but I am thankful it was for me.
I have no idea who else
is out there for me to be a mom to. I am praying on what that looks like and
waiting on Him to say so. Now that we are out here in Texas, Michael is feeling
healthier (than this time last year), and we are slowly getting settled. 2018
will be my year. It will be my year to find the right combination of hormones. It
will be my year to continue the healing on my heart. It will be my year to try
and loose some of this ridiculous weight that I have gained (half that has been
out of my control) and when I hit 40, embrace it with all that Jesus has given
me.
Please feel free to
share this with a woman who has heard a NO and is wrestling with all that comes
with. Just as others share their miscarriage stories, fertility struggles, I
believe that voice should also be given to those who wrestle with the final NO
and be given the space to lose their leaves but heal and allow them to grow
back bigger and brighter.
Jennifer
PS- The analogy of a
tree was put on me 10 years ago as I was moving over to China. I guess the Lord
was preparing me for what was to come.
