It has been
several months since I have written. We have lived much life in that time.
We have been in
the troughs of transition with acclimating to life in Texas, we have spent 5
days being magical at Disney World, we have celebrated Christmas and New Years,
and Easter. We have also celebrated our 4th family day and have had
many in between moments. It has been a wide range of emotions through all those
times that have taken us on an incredible journey.
I have never
believed on sugar coating our story. It is clear in the bible that we are not
guaranteed a comfortable life filled with all the joys and no lows. Through our
adoption journey, I have been very open about willing to share some of those
(protecting others for the sake of our girl). But with the true intention that
this is a journey, one that never stops, and one that is not to take lightly.
And still, 4 years
later we are still not taking it lightly. There was a day coming, that I knew
would come. I had hoped we had a little more time in answering as we answered
the little questions about China.
If you look at our
Facebook Page you will see a happy family. We don’t post the pics of the tears,
or say that parenting is hard, or say at even moments, I just want to run. But
parents don’t say that unless they are in close quarters with friends or on
closed support groups or even in the confines of a counselors’ office. Come on,
what would the world think of us.
Let me tell you, I
could have posted all of the above a week ago. My girl, my sweet, fun loving, joy filled
little girl finally put some things together about her story and knew that
there 29 months before us of life she lived. There was a “family” before us.
And she grieved, lashed out and put up a wall.
While I will leave
out all the details to protect her, the words that I never thought I would hear
“Mama, I just don’t have love for you right now”, Came out of her mouth.
I sat on my couch
and cried. Michael was out of town, I was alone and I cried. For three nights,
straight I cried. And so, I did the one thing I knew to do, pray and call on
prayer warriors.
Now, before I
continue, I know there are some that will say every child will go through this.
No! Not every child goes through this. Not
every child is born, carried for 9 months in a womb and then for whatever
reason given up for adoption. Not every child will spend time in an orphanage
in a steel crib and wonder where their next meal comes from, laying for hours
crying for someone to sooth them. Not
every child will go through the waiting and wondering when they will get a
mama. This is not normal for Children. It stacks, stacks and stacks and creates
a heart with not very good coping mechanisms along with walls and sadness that
are buried deep within their hearts. This deeply buried pain, will someday
surface. And, some of ours has.
What next, we are
looking for help. We have had some gracious people come into our lives in
various ways who are helping us find the right person. We are not going to
hide, stuff it under the rug, we are going to face it head on, and learn how to
deal. I want my girl to love her story, to be ok with it, understand it, and be
able to share it with others.
Four year later,
4, my child still lives in fear of being left. Despite constant (Sometimes
draining) presence in her life, no absence of necessities and the leaving and
coming, still she has a fear of being left. Now, with an added layer of, well
my first family left me.
But there are some
other lessons that have come out of this weekend.
What is means to
unconditionally love, really do you know what that is when it is put to the
test? Do you know what it means to say the words, I love you even when the
person that you are saying them to just told you they can’t love you right now.
It reminds me of
Jesus and I. What it is like for him to still utter the words I love you,
despite how he might not agree with me, how I might break His heart. But yet,
His unconditional love withstands.
Man, kids can
trigger you. My greatest fear, trigger, whatever you want to call it, is worth
and value. It was certainly put to the test this weekend as a mom. Leaving me
questioning am I worthy enough to be her mom, am I sucking at my job, what did
I do wrong. Reality check- I am worthy to be her mom because she was put into
my arms, I am not sucking at my job just because we need to seek some
third-party help. In fact, that is what I call being healthy.
And the other
piece I learned, the value of showing your kids your emotions in truth and
love. There is nothing wrong with H seeing me cry. There is nothing wrong with her
knowing that her mama has feelings and seeing that she is processing through
them.
I don’t write this
all to seek out sympathy, I write this as a way to process, but also to show
the reality that we are indeed in a constant battle for our babies hearts and
lives. What if we gave our babies the space to speak and not teach them that
feelings are not to be spoken of, that they are bad and need to be kept in the
closet. What if we grieved together what grieves them? I wonder what kind of
adults we would ultimately shape.
Jennifer
