I haven’t blogged in a LOOOONG time. It seems that COVID and all the dysfunction that goes with it just took me, my time and the ability to pen my thoughts down for a while. I have missed it, missed sharing, missed hearing from people.
I have lived A LOT of life in this 13th Anniversary year I survived three nerve surgeries in my arms. And am now working my way back to some type of gladiator status. (As I write, I giggle. Watching me work out is a train wreck).
I have celebrated 6 years as a Mama. That little girl is seen each and every day as a huge gift that I do not deserve. As I watch her grow, my heart yearns for time to slow down. In January I started to pray for more time with her. Little did I know that we would end up partnering with an amazing school where I would be her teacher three days a week and she would be in school two. It has been a process that I fought for the first few weeks. Finding balance was SUPER difficult. Between school, work, family requirements, outside needs. But her development was worth it, consistency was worth it, a Christ centered environment was worth it.
What I have learned, is my time with her is more valuable than any rubies. I am blessed to be able to be with her, to have a job, and to have a first-hand seat in her growth. Parenting is not perfect, I put change in her therapy jar every day But she is a gift and worthy of my time.
I wish I could say we have traveled to come amazing place this year but…… NADA. As the year began in January, I battled what we believe was COVID (Although it was not called that at the time). In February, my niece moved in with us and began her life in Texas. March, my Mother in Law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. March school closed for COVID-never to reopen. March to April we quarantined and stayed put. Late April we learned school would not re-open for the rest of the school year. We grieved with our girl, and also knew that God was moving her on.
June proved even more fun as we learned jobs were at risk. We also celebrated #11. For the next month we played the what if scenarios through our heads, making plans etc. We knew no matter if it was us or someone else, lives were changing at rapids rates. My heart was and still is super heavy.
July, I once again found myself grieving with my girl as her best girl pal moved away. So many hours spent playing through quarantine.
August through this evening has been a blur. School, work, managing a teenager, health struggles with family members, holding our breath about work futures etc. Oh, and this small thing called the election, It can be stifling. And although all of the above could be stifling, almost so hard to breath at times. Through it I can see the lessons, I can see the grace, I can see the upholding of my heavenly Father.
In my 13 years since turning 29, especially there have been a few things that my heart has been tender to.
1. Relationships are not something I am willing to fight for outside my close circle. Pursuing people who do not pursue me, is exhausting, heart crushing and takes away from those who truly want to be with me. There are several whom I love dearly but I had to take a step back. Time is important. I am thankful to have some close people, some more than 20 + years by my side, who love me for me and not what they want me to be.
2. Boundaries are super healthy when they are done right. They give you peace, the ability to not be used, not to be taken over, and the ability to stand my ground. I don’t bend once I communicate.
3. I love talking with people about Jesus. I can spend hours telling of my Savior and how He has saved me, sustained me, and sustained my family. His care for me leaves me speechless. I know many who would not agree with me, because there are pieces in His word that most do not agree with. I still love fiercely despite the differences, but I grieve watching people support things that grieve His heart and then cry out when their life isn’t all peaches and cream.
4. Having a child with needs outside the “norm” is hard. It is exhausting and our needs are not as great as others. There are days and nights I shed tears knowing by the “worlds standards” she is may not be on the line. I am constantly reminding myself she is “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” Psalm 139:14 And yet, it is invigorating. I am constantly reminded, I had nothing to do with her creation, none of us do with our kids. HE is their creator and HE knows what the needs are. I see her heart, and see her Jesus in it.
As I grown older in numbers, I crave deeper life with people, I crave to use my time wisely. I crave pounds to drop off but I am learning to accept if they do not. I grieve the current state of this world. It is sad to watch people destroy their relationships over two flawed men.
I will wake up tomorrow and try my best to embrace yet another anniversary. Thinking of ones I have lost, thankful for the ones I have, and continue on the pursuit to love fiercely.
This is my hearts desire this year...........
11 With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith.12 We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2nd Thessalonians 1: 11-12
Much Love, and I look forward to writing more often,
Jennifer
