Nothing yet…
There really has
been not all that much to post in the way of news. Indeed the computer system
is up and running. Until Thursday, they had not release any kids since May 23rd.
And while we have not heard anything this go around of release, we are waiting
with fervent prayer that she will be brought forward.
In the mean time,
I have such a desire to nest. Oddly enough, I have heard about this when people
have been at the tail end of their pregnancy. But for me, nesting is so
different because I really have no clue who I am nesting for.
As time also draws
on, and people ask questions, the comments just keep coming. I was turned on to
this blog from a family who to has adopted. Their adoption story is amazing,
(just as any are). www.rageagainsttheminivan.com
She had a guest
post one day titled: What I want you to know about talking to your infertile
friend.
As time has rolled
on in our journey, the comments are becoming more and more intense stings to
the heart. This post, rocked me, reminding me that we are indeed not alone in
this journey. It also reminded me that sometimes the intensity that I perceive
might not be intentional but just where my heart is at.
Here are some things you should NOT
say to them while you are struggling. Now if you have said any of these to
someone, don't feel bad. One of my dear friends was struggling with infertility
before I was diagnosed. Looking back, I said every one of these things to her.
I have apologized, but she understands that I meant well. I understand that
people mean well. However, the more educated you are, the better.
Don't tell them to relax. This is
called the "R" word in infertile circles. This is very rarely the
problem for infertile people. While stress can be a problem, it is often not
the issue for people who publicize their infertility journey. Stress is usually
an issue that is quickly rectified.
Don't minimize the problem or say
there are worse things that can happen.
Don't say this really isn't a big
deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that
can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how
much it hurts.
Don't say they aren't meant to be
parents. Well meaning Christians often say this trying to imply God's will is
sovereign. Faith and God's presence is a huge issue for infertile women -- let
them deal with this on their own or with a Christian counselor.
Don't ask why they aren't trying IVF.
IVF is very expensive with a lot of ethical considerations. It isn't an
"easy" decision.
Don't play doctor. Don't give medical
advice unless you really know what you are talking about.
Don't be crude. This should be
obvious. Making jokes about "Do you need a lesson?" is just mean.
Be tender when making a pregnancy
announcement.The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public
place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an
email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell
the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for
you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.
Don't complain about your pregnancy
or your children. Obviously there are things to complain about but it is a wise
move to find someone else to confide in with these problems.
Don't push adoption (yet). The
general rule is to not bring this up unless they bring it up first. This is a
very wonderful and tender topic and when they are ready, they will share. Why
do most people not adopt and have genetic children? Because biological children
is the primary choice for most people. Your friend is no different in this
desire.
Don't start any story with ...
"I know someone..." or "I had a friend who..." These
stories often feature the exception, not the rule. The biggest culprits:
"I know who a friend who went on a vacation and then had a baby", and
"I know who friend who got pregnant right after they adopted." These
cause chills down an infertile women's spine.
Let them know that you care. Cards or
caring acts are appreciated.
Remember them on Mother's Day. Church
is very painful on Mother's Day when you are infertile. John and I didn't go.
We planned a fun day away from all the mother's with flowers. You can simply
send a nice card that you are remembering them on that day like you would the
anniversary of a loss.
Don't tell them that if they adopt,
they will probably become pregnant. The fact is that very few couples conceive
after adoption.
Support their decision to stop
treatments. Encourage them in whatever direction they choose. This is a
personal decision. If they want advice, they'll ask.
If your friend (or an acquaintance)
brings up their infertility to you, they are wanting to talk to to you about
it. From that point on, the conversation is probably welcome. Start off by
saying, "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, but how is
everything going?" Most of the time, once a couple decides to share, a
woman wants to talk about it.
Okay, so that's a lot of things NOT
to do. But what should you do:
Pray for them. Remember their
"calendar" and send an email or card on a big day.
Put them in touch with other women
"in their situation". (Ask them if they want to be contacted or do
the contacting.)
Provide encouragement for them to
seek support. A great online support group is: www.hannahsprayer.org.
Attend Support Group meetings with
them if they would find this helpful.
Invite them to all events but give
them the option to "opt" out of events that might be painful (baby
showers, baptisms, etc.)
Invite them to special child-free
events whenever possible.
Give them poems or even books that
you think might be helpful -- try to have another infertile friend give a
"stamp" of approval on the book. Don't have a friend? I'll be your
friend. Email me at: flakymn@hotmail.com.
Offer to go to appointments with them
if their husband is unavailable.
Recognize that not being able to have
a child is the loss of a dream. It is the same as a single person who wants to
get married not finding "the one" or an athlete having a
career-ending injury. It's a loss. They will move through stages of grief (ups
and downs) including a time when they question their faith. However, they will
cycle through this with love and prayer.
I have heard
almost all of these statements, and even a few added on to that which has left
my jaw to the ground.
This is part of
the journey that we have not shared with many. Indeed God laid on our hearts
adoption. But, there is also the factor of the fact that I have a disease that
is having its way in my body. It bring me to my knees at times and at the
current time has not allowed me to have children. The only full treatment is removing everything. And so until
that happens, it rages on. My prayer is that God heals in the way that HE
chooses. HE created me, HE knew exactly where I would be in this stage in my
life, moreover HE choose to adopt me, and subsequently has chosen me to pass on
that to someone else.
Please continue to
pray and not loose hope! I need your encouragement as it comes. There are days
were the valleys of darkness are deep in the waiting, but I know without a
doubt in my heart, we are on the right path.
Jennifer
