Nothing Yet.....

Nothing yet…

There really has been not all that much to post in the way of news. Indeed the computer system is up and running. Until Thursday, they had not release any kids since May 23^rd. And while we have not heard anything this go around of release, we are waiting with fervent prayer that she will be brought forward.

In the mean time, I have such a desire to nest. Oddly enough, I have heard about this when people have been at the tail end of their pregnancy. But for me, nesting is so different because I really have no clue who I am nesting for.

As time also draws on, and people ask questions, the comments just keep coming. I was turned on to this blog from a family who to has adopted. Their adoption story is amazing, (just as any are). www.rageagainsttheminivan.com

She had a guest post one day titled: What I want you to know about talking to your infertile friend.

As time has rolled on in our journey, the comments are becoming more and more intense stings to the heart. This post, rocked me, reminding me that we are indeed not alone in this journey. It also reminded me that sometimes the intensity that I perceive might not be intentional but just where my heart is at.

Here are some things you should NOT say to them while you are struggling. Now if you have said any of these to someone, don't feel bad. One of my dear friends was struggling with infertility before I was diagnosed. Looking back, I said every one of these things to her. I have apologized, but she understands that I meant well. I understand that people mean well. However, the more educated you are, the better.

Don't tell them to relax. This is called the "R" word in infertile circles. This is very rarely the problem for infertile people. While stress can be a problem, it is often not the issue for people who publicize their infertility journey. Stress is usually an issue that is quickly rectified.

Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen.

Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts.

Don't say they aren't meant to be parents. Well meaning Christians often say this trying to imply God's will is sovereign. Faith and God's presence is a huge issue for infertile women -- let them deal with this on their own or with a Christian counselor.

Don't ask why they aren't trying IVF. IVF is very expensive with a lot of ethical considerations. It isn't an "easy" decision.

Don't play doctor. Don't give medical advice unless you really know what you are talking about.

Don't be crude. This should be obvious. Making jokes about "Do you need a lesson?" is just mean.

Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement.The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.

Don't complain about your pregnancy or your children. Obviously there are things to complain about but it is a wise move to find someone else to confide in with these problems.

Don't push adoption (yet). The general rule is to not bring this up unless they bring it up first. This is a very wonderful and tender topic and when they are ready, they will share. Why do most people not adopt and have genetic children? Because biological children is the primary choice for most people. Your friend is no different in this desire.

Don't start any story with ... "I know someone..." or "I had a friend who..." These stories often feature the exception, not the rule. The biggest culprits: "I know who a friend who went on a vacation and then had a baby", and "I know who friend who got pregnant right after they adopted." These cause chills down an infertile women's spine.

Let them know that you care. Cards or caring acts are appreciated.

Remember them on Mother's Day. Church is very painful on Mother's Day when you are infertile. John and I didn't go. We planned a fun day away from all the mother's with flowers. You can simply send a nice card that you are remembering them on that day like you would the anniversary of a loss.

Don't tell them that if they adopt, they will probably become pregnant. The fact is that very few couples conceive after adoption.

Support their decision to stop treatments. Encourage them in whatever direction they choose. This is a personal decision. If they want advice, they'll ask.

If your friend (or an acquaintance) brings up their infertility to you, they are wanting to talk to to you about it. From that point on, the conversation is probably welcome. Start off by saying, "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, but how is everything going?" Most of the time, once a couple decides to share, a woman wants to talk about it.

Okay, so that's a lot of things NOT to do. But what should you do:

Pray for them. Remember their "calendar" and send an email or card on a big day.

Put them in touch with other women "in their situation". (Ask them if they want to be contacted or do the contacting.)

Provide encouragement for them to seek support. A great online support group is: www.hannahsprayer.org.

Attend Support Group meetings with them if they would find this helpful.

Invite them to all events but give them the option to "opt" out of events that might be painful (baby showers, baptisms, etc.)

Invite them to special child-free events whenever possible.

Give them poems or even books that you think might be helpful -- try to have another infertile friend give a "stamp" of approval on the book. Don't have a friend? I'll be your friend. Email me at: flakymn@hotmail.com.

Offer to go to appointments with them if their husband is unavailable.

Recognize that not being able to have a child is the loss of a dream. It is the same as a single person who wants to get married not finding "the one" or an athlete having a career-ending injury. It's a loss. They will move through stages of grief (ups and downs) including a time when they question their faith. However, they will cycle through this with love and prayer.

I have heard almost all of these statements, and even a few added on to that which has left my jaw to the ground.

This is part of the journey that we have not shared with many. Indeed God laid on our hearts adoption. But, there is also the factor of the fact that I have a disease that is having its way in my body. It bring me to my knees at times and at the current time has not allowed me to have children.  The only full treatment is removing everything. And so until that happens, it rages on. My prayer is that God heals in the way that HE chooses. HE created me, HE knew exactly where I would be in this stage in my life, moreover HE choose to adopt me, and subsequently has chosen me to pass on that to someone else.

Please continue to pray and not loose hope! I need your encouragement as it comes. There are days were the valleys of darkness are deep in the waiting, but I know without a doubt in my heart, we are on the right path.

Jennifer