Silent Tears

Lately, I have found that tears are flowing for complex and simple reasons especially in regards to this adoption. Most of them come in the moments where I am home alone and thinking about her. But I also know and have to now confess Christmas is down right hard this year. In my human mind, our tree should have the “special” paper under it. There should be a stocking at the mantle for Hosanna.  She should be hearing about the birth of Jesus from us. It just down right does not feel right this year.

I have not lied when I have told people that I truly trust in God’s care for her while she is there are we are here. But there is something empty in my heart. And so silently I cry.

For most, people can only think of the glorious part of adoption when they see their friends and loved ones coming off the plane with a sweet face. To them that is the final culmination. To them, there was not all that much blood, sweat and tears to get there. All is well because she is home. And indeed, it will be glorious when we step foot off of a plane in Atlanta and Hosanna is home.

But for now, I must be honest I cry. We got our immigration letter yesterday. Still a few more steps before we get a travel date, but I cried. I bought her a few little things at the consignment store last week, I cried. We got some presents in the mail for her, I cried. We came home from my office Christmas party, and I cried. The stupid Publix commercial that is playing where the little girl is making Christmas cookies for her Grandpa, makes me cry.

These are the tears that nobody gets to see. The tears that people do not know about. This is the hard part of adoption.

And jus like the rest of the families that are in waiting, I long for my little girl to be home. I long for her not to spend another Christmas alone, Christmas does not seem right without her, or with any of the kids that we wait and long for.

This Christmas season, I am trying to remain peaceful with where we are at, and with where she is at. Because in a few short months she will be here, and all of these tears, will become tears of joy, not tears of longing.