See Ya 2015

See ya 2015

Sitting here on the final days of 2015, and reflecting on this past year and it has brought, there are moments that I relish, moments I am thankful for, and moments that I am glad to see go. I am not ashamed to say, this was not my best year.

I have been reminded this year as I reflect that the promises of the bible. They are not promises that everything will be honky dory, that life will be perfect. But that indeed there will be trials amongst the joy.

James 1:2-4
 Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Loss- this year has proved to be one filled with loss throughout the year. It came in waves, and in ways I did not expect.

I lost near and dear people this year. The first and foremost being my grandma. Her brother had passed away in January. All their lives, the did everything together. So I knew in January time was short. I am grateful beyond measure of the relationship I had with her. Although I am lucky to say I have no regrets when it comes to her, I miss her greatly, especially our weekly phone conversations.

My body was another loss. And in all honesty, I didn't really consider the loss side of it until a fellow adoptive mama is another state asked me in am email " how are you dealing with the loss your surgery brings". Those words were pivotal to me heart and in a way gave me an open door to grieve what has gone on with my body the last several years, with it coming to this surgery in November. And as I still heal, and maneuver through the next several months of a balancing act, I am grateful for the future free of pain, but anxious to feel normal.

Relationships were another huge hit this year. I have seen and experienced friends take a step back from life with me. Life changes, takes different directions. But I have also seen people step back as we walked this road this year maybe because what I was experiencing pierced their own hearts in ways they don't know how to handle or they want to avoid. Whatever the reason it stinks. I have also had relationships take a turn sour. Trust be broken, lies told, the course of life changed. Labels spoken over my head, levels of shame unfortunately I let creep in.

My girl, this one cuts deep into her mama. While there have been so many positive moments but , the heart breaking parts cut deep. The honeymoon has ended and real life has kicked in.  This real life, I am discovering in the adoption world and outside that are rarely talked about. Her anxiety of being left by her mama and baba is deeply embedded in her heart. Her processing of who she is and her beginning story is being put together in her little heart and brain. I often find myself in tears over the fact that I get to be her mama and feeling overwhelmed about being her mama. Who really likes to say that their kids are struggling .

But despite all this my God is faithful. This year has also been filled with many joys, laughs, discovery, and learning.

My girl has done so much growing this year. Not just in height, but personality, heart, knowledge and concepts. She brain is swelling with information, new things learned each and everyday. School is one of her great loves. Spending time being a goof ball is another.

My friends, there are many near and dear to my heart that are treasures. I have seen people come along side of us in incredible ways to love on my family. Without them I would have not made it through the seasons I had. I am thankful for the relationships that have deepened in growth. The people who encourage me to walk deeper, and those who flat out just love, I am so humbled they are in my life.

As this year closes, I am thankful that my husband and I held it together for 6.5 years. He is a rock in staying put and mulling through life with me. I am glad we get to do it together, as a team.

I thinking about this year closing out, the lessons I have learned have been good. The have been good for the soul, humbling, encouraging, and stretching.  I am excited for what 2016 has for me, my girl and my little family.


Jennifer

Psalm71:14
As for me, I will always have hope;
 I will praise you more and more.

T minus three days

T minus three days……

In three days I will be having the most life changing surgery I have had. Out of the 7 times I have been put under, this by far, will change my life forever.

It has been a whirlwind of thoughts over the past two months since we made the decision. There have been times of complete unrest in my heart about it. I was so focused on the  I will never get to…. That I was full of sadness. I was focused on the I will never shop for maternity clothes, never hold my newborn, never know what my child would like look, never be able to do some crazy pregnancy announcement to my family, never know what it is like to have someone kick me from the inside. Never have the joy of seeing my husband hold his infant for the first time etc…. You name it I rode the gammed of emotions.

But My Jesus is incredible. He has walked this rode with me reminding me all the way that I have had a ton of the “I never thought moments”. I know what my child looks like (this cute Asian gal), I got to make a great announcement to my family with a sweet picture of a smiling child, I know what is like to endure the kicks for 30 months in my heart. And then there was a moment from last Sunday at church, I was really saying, Lord is this what you say is next?? And then, there was a nugget of goodness that reached my soul. “I opened your womb, it just came through your heart, and I will do it again”. That is what peace that surpasses understanding looks like.

I can honestly say, I am looking forward to Monday in some ways. We are walking in complete faith that this will be it, God will heal, eradicate this wretched disease. We are walking in faith that once the recovery is over, I will not live in constant pain. We are walking in faith that our family is suppose to be completely built through adoption. And, although some think that we are missing out on not giving birth, we do not see it that way. We see it as an opportunity to have our minds and heart stretched beyond imagination.  And, I am grateful that God protected me from making having a baby an idol. It is not my identity. I am not incomplete because I have not. I am complete because of Him.

So a few prayer requests for those who pray……

·      * Monday morning at 7:30 they will roll me into the OR. Prayer for the surgeon, the team there, my husband as he sits and waits and our girl. Surgery can be anywhere from 2-several hours.

·      * If all goes as planned, we will be released early Tuesday morning. So pray that all can go as plannedJ

·      * Pray for the people who have graciously come forward and are watching our girl. Pray for her anxiety level as she knows something is going on.

·      * Pray for recovery, especially that the hormone levels get in check as quickly as possible.

·      * Pray for my husband, he will carry a heavy load over the next few weeks while working still.

·      * Pray for the woman somewhere in this world, who is the birth mother to my next child. Because of her and her selfless choice, I will be a mom again.

We are humbled by the support of friends and family. The meals, rides, calls, texts that we have already gotten and continue to come are just an example of radical love by others.

“For we walk by faith and not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7

Jennifer

The Big H

Our family has been under a bit of fire lately I guess you could say. Maybe fire is not the right word, maybe just some big life changes coming.

Right before we left on our family vacation we got some news, that we knew was coming and yet we hoped beyond hope it would wait a little while longer. Having battled endometriosis for the better portion of the past 10 years, I had reached a threshold where I was at the end of my rope. Being in a constant source of pain for at least 2/3rds of every month had definitely worn its welcome out. We tried in April to stave it off. Had surgery to clean it all out, some relief was a hope, along with maybe a child. We tried a fertility drug this summer. A couple of rounds of clocking, waiting, hoping and our fleshly desire was not achieved. Instead the risks that we took, the side effects that they had talked about all came true. And so when I entered the Dr’s office in late office, she made her recommendation. And after much prayer, talking and a couple of different opinions, I will be having a total hysterectomy on November 23^rd.

It is not a total shock, I was told several years ago that I would more than likely not see 40 with all my parts. Due to how quickly, despite all the efforts we took to stave it off, the endo just grew and grew. The battle has been long, hard, and often in silence in the confides of my own home.

We sat on the new for a couple of weeks, asking lots of questions to the Dr about the recovery process along with what life looks like after. I cried after I told my mom and dad, and then Michael told him mom. The reality sunk in for us that there would never been a blood line relative coming from us. All of those people were playing in my head of “Just wait till your adoption is over…. You will relax and get pregnant”. And yet in some way we knew it.

We knew when we watched God walk us through our first adoption, we knew with each passing surgery, we knew when as we brought Hosanna home and we began our lives together, we knew when we began the fertility drugs. This whole time we knew, and yet we had to see.

So we grieve right now. We grieve the children we cannot have, we grieve all the little things that come with giving birth.  And yet, we are looking past as well. For sure we will be adopting again. For sure we know that our family is suppose to grow. We know it will be tough, but it is the way that we are to go.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I am thankful. God has put some great women in my path that have had Hysterectomies early in life.  They have been a great wealth of information in regards to hormone therapy and such. It has made that end of the process seem just a little bit less scary.

I am thankful for an amazing Dr. She is incredible with her time answering my questions and such. I am also thankful that she can do this robotically, which is less recovery time.

Thankful for friends coming forward to help watch our girl while I am at the hospital, and for the 2 weeks following the surgery.

So while we grieve we rest in this…..

"Sometimes God allows us to walk through difficult circumstances to accomplish His greater plans for our lives and His Kingdom purposes."

My finite mind has great difficulty comprehending, let alone understanding the infinite wisdom of God. I tend to focus on the immediate moment...the immediate future and fail to see how these difficulties are going to benefit anyone. I've looked at my life and felt like Joseph's brothers must have - unfavored, unloved, uncontrolled, unsuccessful...all the "uns". But I've grown through the negative "uns" to appreciate the positive "uns". Unmeasurable, unfathomable, unbelievable, unimaginable, unbreakable, uncontainable love of my God. I am favored, I am loved, I am His. I've been in the pit...and I've begun to see how these pits have been used for my protection...my growth...my benefit. While these feel anything but good while I'm there, I'm learning to trust His purpose. He allows me to experience consequences of choices that are not aligned with His will, then he uses these times to create beauty from ashes. -Teresa Rinehart

A few people that I have talked to have expressed how sorry they are. And my response can only be this, please do not be sorry for His plans. Just pray for us to accept them with a whole heart.

Jennifer

September.... Birthday..... Family Vacation.... Tons of Fun

It is fitting to post today. According to the Chinese government we have officially been parents 18 months. Crazy how times flies and yet at others moves at a molasses pace.

September has been a big month in this house. Hosanna turned 4 in early September. We had such a great time celebrating with her. Fabulous friends of ours dressed up like the Wiggles and made an appearance at her party. She was star struck! We had a blast. And then we were off!!! On our first family vacation.

Yes, we have traveled since we have been home with Hosanna. All the trips were to see family (which is great), Take care of my grandma etc. There was not really an extended time beyond a weekend that was devoted to our family. So our destination of choice was DISNEY!!! We were stoked. We saved for the past 9 months for the trip. We had a few stops along the way. We only did two days at the same park, which in the end worked out to be perfect for her. But we protected our time. Unfortunately, we said no to connecting with a lot of people, not that we didn’t want to see them, but we needed this time. She needed this time.

As September rolled around we noticed a change in behavior of Hosanna. Little things were very triggering. School started which was a huge change, and well, September is where her story began. It is where she met this world, it is where her China mama made a very hard decision, it is where she met her orphanage and the care taker she would have for the next 28 months. And although she was young, she is still triggered through all of that and the round about time it all happened.

So, we needed this time. We left GA, headed to FL. Spent the night at the beach, woke up with our Birthday Girl and played. We got to see great cousins and celebrate with them and then head to Disney.

Disney is incredible it’s self. Such a fun place to retreat and be silly, but oh seeing it through your child’s eyes We spent most of the first day meeting characters, getting autographs. It took about 5 rides, and then Hosanna was all in. Sold on it, loved it! And our girl LOVES roller coasters! LOVES is probably not even the right word to describe it. She is certainly a thrill seeker.

We had a ton of fun, can’t wait for the family time again.

Fresh off of Splash Mountain

Stay at Home Mom

Labels…. We all have them. Some can be as simple as son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, uncle etc. Some come with relationships as they expand, friend, accountability partner, believer. And then others come from other people, they can be helpful, and they can be hurtful. There is one label this past year that I have worn, one that I have not talked about much, one that I have struggled fitting into and frankly one that I never thought I would wear: Stay at Home Mom.

It was one year ago I walked out of the doors of a place that I loved to be. From a job that I treasured. A job that was stretching and rewarding at the same time. One, where a ton of work happened on my heart. One, where my GA family was formed. One, that I toyed with for weeks about letting go of. And so, we made the decision for me to go, it would be best for our girl, best for the attachment, best for our family. A decision that we worked very hard to get to. I walked out of those doors grateful for my time, grateful for all God did in my heart through that place, and became a stay at home mom. Another great unknown.

I haven’t talked much about this transition this year. I have been more focused on really processing through our adoption. Being real despite how people judge me to be. But this…. It was a HARD transition.

It is funny, when most people ask me about it, the usual statement is “you are so lucky”. “that would be my dream”. Yes I am lucky! I don’t discount that one bit, however I think the rose colored glasses are present in those comments. This by far has been one of my hardest jobs I have ever had.

Finding the healthy balance for self-care VS care of my home. Balance with relationships outside of my house and having the energy to maintain. Trying to break into the at home mommy crowd.

Being creative with my time at home with her, to engage, educate, love, grow and shape. Walking with her through the wee hours of nightmares and such. While maintaining a home, finding therapy, Dr. visits etc. To me it would have been way easier to be at the officeJ

And yet, it has been one of my most rewarding jobs. I am glad that I had the time to do the leg work to find her a good therapist. I am glad that I had the time to adjust with her. I am glad we have had the time to play. It is funny, now that she is in school for three days a week people ask “What are you going to do with yourself?” People she is in school for 3 hours a day. Not like it is all day. I certainly do not sit home and eat bon bons all day.

I since have gotten a little part time job. Partly because I needed the interaction and partly because my girl and her dad needed some time alone, I have gained a new perspective on work. If I am not happy doing it, it is not worth being away from my family. I am thankful for this little gig I have. It has provided for us in incredible ways. It has been a good stretch for Hosanna and a good stretch for me.

Hitting the year mark, I realize this is one label that I wear with pride, and a grateful heart. I recognize that not everyone gets to be in this spot. It doesn’t make anyone more of a mom or less than a mom. In the end we are all mom’s one in the same. Our offices just might look a little bit different.

Jennifer