Our Journey East (A little farther east): Trust Bucket

So much to write, choosing a topic is really hard. This month as been met with some set backs in bonding with our daughter. But there is much to learn through the setbacks and the exhaustive days.

The trust bucket, I have to remember that this is still being filled for our girl. I can’t for a moment, take for granted that we have built a complete trust with her. Simple things like traveling for almost three weeks straight and then coming home, with her dad leaving shortly after for a couple of days, will dump the trust bucket. Waking up way to early from a nap finding mom and dad gone (for an hour) will dump the trust bucket. Getting a big girl bed, despite the excitement, dumps the trust bucket.

All of these creates anxiety and probably brings feelings of abandonment rushing back into her small heart and brain. It is hard to take, it breaks down our connection that we have worked so hard to build. It wears slowly on our hearts and minds along with energy levels. It makes being a parent that parents through connection rather than authority really hard to pour into. But at the same time, I am also very very aware of how we have been given a ton of grace, because our girl, is doing much much better than some kids with her attachment. And for that, I am grateful. But it doesn’t mean that it has not taken the wind out of my sails at moments.

At the same time, while all this has been happening, there has been grace and eyes to see areas in which she needs some additional help. And we are thankful for that. I am not to sure that I would have seen it if this regression would have happened. So, through research, and consulting with folks of wisdom, we are bringing in some additional therapy for her along with some additional therapy tools that we will be building.

And even more so, there has been some I have learned about myself during this time. For the first time in my faith walk, I watched a crucifixion scene. Since I became a believer about 11 years ago, I have never seen a movie, show etc that depicted the crucifixion. Until, Easter evening when we were watching the AD series. That was the first time I saw it. And the first time, I ever grieved how many times by Heavenly Father tried to connect with me and I poured out the trust bucket. It was the first time (Although depicted based on what some interprets) that really began to understand and grieve what my Father went through for me. And it has given me a renewed sense of, I can walk this road with my girl. Just as I was worth to hang on the cross for and she was, my connecting with her is just as important and my connection with my Father.

This thing called adoption is indeed an incredible experience that continues on, there will never been a time when it is over. While the paperwork is over, it is “official” in the eyes of government and the fees have been paid, it will never be over. Not only did having a child change me, but the adoption piece added to that has changed the way I see life. It has changed the way I look at trials, the way I see joy, it has taught me who family is, and what true friends are. I have learned a great deal about flexibility, encouragement, loving when someone is unlovable, little things to some being huge celebrations in this house. But I am also learning a lot about connection vs authority and the time and investment that goes into true connection. It is not a given that should ever been taken for granted.

We have had some great celebrations this past month. Buttoning a sweater on her own, was a party on one Friday night. For 7 months she has worked in therapy to do this, the little 25 lb gal we held a year ago who could not move her arm or hand, could now button her sweater. Her GREAT HEALER indeed was working on it. That alone allows me to say with full confidence, I really don’t care that she is not potty trained. While yes, I would love for her to be, it will happen. I would love to people to stop asking me why she is not, or wonder if it has happened, or better yet bulge their eyes at me in public because I am changing her diaper, I just don’t care. It will eventually come. (Please stop asking!!!) She will eventually get it, but this, the buttoning it took months and months of hard work. We have bigger fish to fry than a box of diapers every month.

Speaking of which, please be praying for my girl especially. On Monday I will be having surgery. And, while I will not post the details here, it will require a couple of weeks of down time for me from the norm. My prayer is that I can find ways to connect out of the norm so that we can continue this great work of attachment. It is funny, I had someone say to me a couple of weeks ago, I hope that this surgery produces a chance for you to experience having your own child. And I thought to myself, sure that would be cool. But, what I really wanted to say out loud was, it really doesn’t matter. While there is some grief there, it is not the end of the world. I am not incomplete because of how my family is created. And while, this process is tiring, I would do it all over again. If called because, there are plenty other babies waiting in the wings for their moms and dads.

I was listening to a sermon series on a chapter of the bible. And there was a statement that was made, that has stuck with me “The more your life is about you, the more of a pathetic life you will live.”

Filling the bucket one spoon full at a time,

Jennifer