Healing from the failure

5 years ago today I laid in a hospital bed for the next 23 hours 
feeling like an utter and complete failure. My body that wreaked 
havoc on me for the past ten years had finally won, and I felt 
so lost. 

But why share, why even speak? Because out of dark times, 
comes light. And, I know with all my heart there is one woman 
out there who needs to hear this story. 

I had a hysterectomy at 36, never having children, my womb 
damaged and never opening. And unless you have walked 
this road, had even one child, you will never know what it is 
like to be completely and utterly in fertile. 

Before I share anymore, I have a beautiful daughter. The 
journey to her was one nourished by Jesus and brought to
 our family by him. I don’t discount the fact that I get to 
be her mama. And as I watch her grow, we walk her story 
out together, I am incredibly thankful that job was 
bestowed upon me.

But there has been deep darkness during these years. There
 was a season that seemed to be eternity where I spent 
much time seeking out the right hormone combination so 
I didn’t kill anyone. I spent 6 months with nothing, (you all 
can ask Michael about that season) and then the journey 
to the combo began. It wasn’t until we moved to Texas that 
happened, (2.5 year later). 

My body wreaked havoc on my for 10 years, producing 9 
surgeries in an effort to battle endometriosis. And I 
thought it had won, but did it really?

My answer to that question in a lot of ways is NO. About
 6 months in a pastor saw me sitting outside our church 
listening to the service. He saw the darkness and deep 
sadness. He recommended this woman to go speak to. She 
was a saving grace in my life. 

I spent the next 3 years meeting with her weekly, and 
then eventually bi-weekly. And while be processed all of 
the feelings that come with this surgery, we dug deep. 
Deeper into my heart that I never knew was there. 
Deeper to things 20 + years old from my own childhood 
trauma. I began to see the reasons my daughter was 
PICKED for me. I could see how the wounds of my past 
were affecting me now and had been in directly for a long 
time. My onion heart began to find healing. No longer the
 band-aids where band-aids but rather healed scares. I 
began to put healthy boundaries in place with the situations 
and people that needed to be. 

I began to be able to look at babies again. Celebrate with 
friends at the births of their children. Now, there are still 
situations I will not let myself get into because there will 
always be a scar on my heart. But my story has allowed to 
me walk with friends through Infertility. It has allowed to 
say I was made to be a Trauma Mama. Genesis 1:4“God saw 
that the light was good, and he separated the light from 
the darkness”. My Father knew I had a lot of light in me, 
He made sure it came out again. 

I know there are people out there who say God created women
 to solely have babies, that is their purpose. That is so damaging 
for women like me who cannot, or even women who go through 
great lengths to even have one. But I don’t believe that. I believe 
that we each have an individual calling. For some it is to have 
multiple children in their families, serve overseas, to adopt, to 
be a shepherd of a flock etc. 

I can see now, with things happening in our lives that God set 
us up specifically the way our family is for very specific reasons. 

Now there are still things I wrestle with. There are some that l
ook at our family as not fulling God’s purpose because of the road 
it has taken. I am ok with that. I wrestle with my body not being 
the same. It is much larger than it was 5 years ago and no matter
 the effort not much changes with that. But my quality of life is 
SO much better and I don’t miss the havoc that I would experience
 on a daily basis. My HEART is so much better for it. 

I share this all to not seek out sympathy as the “barren one” but 
rather for that woman out there who is wrestling in the same spot 
I was in. Who is doubting her worth because her womb was not 
functioning. Walk through the darkness so the light came come.

 “Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing 
will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, 
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard”. Isaiah 58:8

5 Years A Mother

In March, we celebrated our 5^thFamily Day. I didn’t really post much as it was over spring break and we were hanging with the big mouse in CA. We tried to tune out from the world just for a few days and be a family. 

Today is Mother’s Day. 5 Mother’s Days for me. 5 Mother’s days that I have had to reflect on what it really is like, what I need to work on as a mother, how far we have come in our relationship and the mountain of life that we still have to go. 

Boundaries are huge for me in so many ways. They allow me to parent, deal with others and protect my heart. AS in most Mother’s Days, the church celebrates by having baby dedications. I love this, we participated when H came home. But for me, I have to avoid in order to protect my heart. So, while that part of the service was going on, I had stepped outside. I had some time to reflect. Pray and talked. 

Secretly, Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I thought for sure, by this age, my parenting experience would be so much different. We would for sure have H, and maybe another 1 or two. But that is MY plan, not God’s. And so, I wrestle with him. I never thought I would be parenting a child who came with her own bags packed from her heart. 

Now I know, Mother’s Day can be hard for so many reasons. Moms who were called home, moms who are sick, not having a good relationship with your mom, desiring to be a mom and not and so on. That is one of the reasons I do not post a ton, of what my family did, how we celebrated. 

As an infertile woman it is even harder. Let me preface this comment, if you are a mom and that child did not come out of your body, you can probably identify with what I am about to say. I have had plenty of friends battle infertility, taking great lengths to become a mom, and I have walked alongside of them. But they will not ever know the NEVER. 

Not producing a baby is hard. Raising someone else’s child is hard. Having a daughter who is high anxiety about her story is hard, having a daughter who doesn’t trust you will be there is hard. Not knowing if your bond is strong enough to withstand is hard. And the hardest, is knowing there is another woman who is grieving your daughter, in a very different way. 

And yet, each time I look at her I know that I was meant to be her mom. Unbelievably so, we have had some of the same life experiences, have experienced some of the same trauma, she is mine and I am hers, but she is also someone else’s. 

As I have parented her in the past 5 years, as she grows, parts of her story grow with her. We do not hide the parts we know, we answer her questions, hold her, love her, cry with her, and most recently sought extra help for her. 

But there are a few things that she has taught me the past 5 years:

* It is ok to hurt with her. To grieve with her, to show her that I have emotions and that there are healthy ways to deal with them. 

* Time doesn’t slow down, so live in the moment. I have given less to cleaning our home and more to spending time with her. My priorities on a daily basis change allowing flexibility for a random trip to the park, time for an in-depth discussion or just minutes to snuggle. She will remember this more than if the floors are clean. 

* It’s ok not to have all the answers. (there is not much more to say about that.)

* Don’t be afraid to cry out to Jesus in front of her. 

* I am not a horrible mother if I have to say I am sorry to her. 

*  Love her for where she is at, because she loves me that way. 

* Act like a child right alongside of her. 

For me, as a parent, if I can accomplish two things for her I will feel as though my job has been well done. Lead her heart to love Jesus with all that she is, Depend on Him for everything. And through that Loving others, serving others. The rest will fall in line with all that she is supposed to accomplish. 

I have no clue the number of days God will give me with her. And we are certainly not out of the “woods” yet as there is so much more growth for her to come. But in this moment, It is simple, I am her mom, and that is an honor I do not take lightly. 

This Year is Different.....

I am pretty excited about tomorrow, not just because it is Easter, but I have been witnessing my girl grow in her beliefs in ways I did not imagine for this year. 

We have just finished going through our resurrection eggs. Sweet friends gave us this set prior to H coming home. This was the first year we used them. Mainly because, she was not there yet to fully understand. There are so many things to share about her, and yet this story, seems most appropriate this evening. 

We have been talking with H over the past year (Intently) about what it means to put her trust in Jesus. Lots of this discussion is around trusting Jesus especially in the fact that her mom and dad will always be her mom and dad. Giving her hope in the plan He has for her. 

In late February, we were driving to school and she started to ask some pivotal questions about Jesus. Of course, I pulled over in the school parking lot, and we talked. I didn’t care that the bell was about to ring. Her eternal perspective was worth far more than a ding on her attendance record. She said “Mom, that is enough for now, but I will have more after school.” And she went on her way. 

That evening, (Michael was out) she wanted to continue her conversation. And so, we did, we also read this book that we have been going through. Come into my Heart Lord Jesus, By Stormie Omartian. This time was different, we spent intentional time on each page. Reading answering questions and reading some more. And that the end she said she was ready. 

Now of course, the mom in me was like, you are only 7, how could you understand. Something was different this time. And so, I lead her in a prayer and then told her to talk to God on her own. What took place next, was short of incredible. This mama’s heart was bursting. 

H Thanked God for her family, and for finding her. Thanked her for dying on the cross for her and then, the sweetest song came out of her mouth. Now, if you know my child, and have heard her sing, you know that generally it I humming the tune but a jumbled mess of words. However, this was clear as day:

Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am

BY HillSong

I firmly believe she knew exactly what she was saying. Because of my faith, I know that He has written every one of her days, as well as everyone’s. But this, is such a pivotal part of her story. This lays the ground work for her faith, her belonging and ultimately, who her creator is. 

I have no words what it was like to witness this in my own house. I mean, I have seen people pray to Jesus before, lead them in that prayer, but my own daughter. That was beyond speechless, just as what happened on the cross. So incredible, we could never put it into words nor could we ever comprehend. 

So, as you wake up tomorrow, maybe even read this, the empty tomb fulfilled a promise and gives us hope. 

Much Love,

Jennifer

We are not out of the "Woods"

There are so many titles that I could use for this post, She Knows, The Day that Royally Stunk, The Day her Mama and Girl Cried, or the best, We Will Never Be Out of the Woods. 

I knew something was up on Wednesday. My normally sweet girl was abnormally, not herself. She was sassy as can be, didn’t want to spend time with her mama. Thursday we continued much of the same behavior. Now, I know that we all have our bad days, but this was not normal for our girl. Friday morning, We went to go get her out of her bed and it was rough. She had an accident (again not normal). But it was not just an accident, but a soak through. And, what broke this mama is that she laid in it all night afraid to get us up. 

Of course, we got her cleaned up, reassured her talked with her, but were also in a rush to get to school. On the way out the door, she started talking about China, and where she came from. As we were headed to school, a pivotal question was asked, why didn’t I come from your body. 

As I pulled into school, my thought was, this was it. A moment that I dreaded as a mom, the moment where I would make or break her story. Oh goodness, did I pray. Because I knew, the words that I needed were not coming from me. And, so in car line, I pulled over and we talked. I answered her questions. I talked through the fact that she has a birth mom and for whatever reason she was allowing me to be her mom. We processed for a few minutes, and she said I was ready to go in, so I dropped her off. 

I prayed all day long. Shed tears, thought of my girl. Then I picked my girl up. She got into the car, we begin our normal conversation. And a little bit in the ride, I heard “ Mom, I have a broken heart about this morning.” And then the tears came, and came and came. I pulled over into a parking lot, near a closed down restaurant. I held my girl. I answered her questions. We cried together. Her sweet brain began to comprehend what she started processing the night before, she has a birth mom, she left her. We don’t know who she is and we don’t know who or why. Heavy stuff for a small heart. 

I, of course can’t begin to understand how she feels. Yeah sure, I have experienced abandonment in ways, but nothing like my girl. The trauma is real and no joke. But my mama’s heart was broken beyond measure. 

I couldn’t take the pain for my baby, I couldn’t heal her heart, I couldn’t give her the answers, all I could do was love her where she was at. All the while I was screaming inside, “this is not what parenting was supposed to be.”

I don’t really know how long we were there, it seemed like eternity and yet I know it wasn’t. But in that short time, my girl grew far beyond the years a 7-year-old should. As a mom, I felt as though a piece of her innocence was gone, robbed from her to quickly. 

We will be home 5 years in March. It has flown, in respect from my baby becoming a young lady. I will never take for granted again, that we could possibly be out of the woods. That is the thing with Trauma, you are never out of the woods. It is like an ugly weed, that keeps creeping and creeping along. You can treat it, you can work through it, but it will come back. It is lifelong baggage that you carry around. 

One of the things I have found is to face it head on. Whatever the ugly beast decides to deal, you process through it, get help for it, cry through it, whatever it might take. 

As I told my girl, I don’t know why God wrote her story this way. I don’t know why HE included these pieces. But, I have no doubt that I am supposed to be her mother. Her birth mom is someone to be honored. She could have decided very differently, and my girl would not be here. But she didn’t, and that is not lost on me.  As her mom, my job is not only to raise her, but to be there through all the tears, accidents, rages, and whatever is to comes as work through things. 

I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this as an update, more so a reminder. If you know a family who has adopted, is adopting, fostering, or have kids who come from hard places, don’t forget to pray for them. Don’t forget to love on them, check in on them, not to dismiss when they say times are tough, and never forget, they are never out of the woods. 

Jennifer

 A friend sent this blog to me this morning, and I pulled this excerpt from it:

by Charonne on February 5, 2019 in Family, Honest Talk, Life, Mental Health, MKE Moms Blog, Mom, Parenting, Perspectives in Parenting

I hate you Trauma – you will not win. I don’t want to see your grasp fight for the present and the future of my children because of what they have experienced in the past.  I wish you didn’t exist and I wish that I had never needed to learn so much about you. I wish you would leave me and my children alone! But I will not let you win. You may be a part of my children’s lives, but you will not have their lives. We will fight you today and tomorrow and forever if that’s what it takes.

I am in this forever. This motherhood I dreamed of may be more difficult than I expected, but it is also more beautiful in ways that I never knew to dream for. So bring it on trauma – I’m living my dream and you won’t change that.