Healing from the failure

5 years ago today I laid in a hospital bed for the next 23 hours 
feeling like an utter and complete failure. My body that wreaked 
havoc on me for the past ten years had finally won, and I felt 
so lost. 

But why share, why even speak? Because out of dark times, 
comes light. And, I know with all my heart there is one woman 
out there who needs to hear this story. 

I had a hysterectomy at 36, never having children, my womb 
damaged and never opening. And unless you have walked 
this road, had even one child, you will never know what it is 
like to be completely and utterly in fertile. 

Before I share anymore, I have a beautiful daughter. The 
journey to her was one nourished by Jesus and brought to
 our family by him. I don’t discount the fact that I get to 
be her mama. And as I watch her grow, we walk her story 
out together, I am incredibly thankful that job was 
bestowed upon me.

But there has been deep darkness during these years. There
 was a season that seemed to be eternity where I spent 
much time seeking out the right hormone combination so 
I didn’t kill anyone. I spent 6 months with nothing, (you all 
can ask Michael about that season) and then the journey 
to the combo began. It wasn’t until we moved to Texas that 
happened, (2.5 year later). 

My body wreaked havoc on my for 10 years, producing 9 
surgeries in an effort to battle endometriosis. And I 
thought it had won, but did it really?

My answer to that question in a lot of ways is NO. About
 6 months in a pastor saw me sitting outside our church 
listening to the service. He saw the darkness and deep 
sadness. He recommended this woman to go speak to. She 
was a saving grace in my life. 

I spent the next 3 years meeting with her weekly, and 
then eventually bi-weekly. And while be processed all of 
the feelings that come with this surgery, we dug deep. 
Deeper into my heart that I never knew was there. 
Deeper to things 20 + years old from my own childhood 
trauma. I began to see the reasons my daughter was 
PICKED for me. I could see how the wounds of my past 
were affecting me now and had been in directly for a long 
time. My onion heart began to find healing. No longer the
 band-aids where band-aids but rather healed scares. I 
began to put healthy boundaries in place with the situations 
and people that needed to be. 

I began to be able to look at babies again. Celebrate with 
friends at the births of their children. Now, there are still 
situations I will not let myself get into because there will 
always be a scar on my heart. But my story has allowed to 
me walk with friends through Infertility. It has allowed to 
say I was made to be a Trauma Mama. Genesis 1:4“God saw 
that the light was good, and he separated the light from 
the darkness”. My Father knew I had a lot of light in me, 
He made sure it came out again. 

I know there are people out there who say God created women
 to solely have babies, that is their purpose. That is so damaging 
for women like me who cannot, or even women who go through 
great lengths to even have one. But I don’t believe that. I believe 
that we each have an individual calling. For some it is to have 
multiple children in their families, serve overseas, to adopt, to 
be a shepherd of a flock etc. 

I can see now, with things happening in our lives that God set 
us up specifically the way our family is for very specific reasons. 

Now there are still things I wrestle with. There are some that l
ook at our family as not fulling God’s purpose because of the road 
it has taken. I am ok with that. I wrestle with my body not being 
the same. It is much larger than it was 5 years ago and no matter
 the effort not much changes with that. But my quality of life is 
SO much better and I don’t miss the havoc that I would experience
 on a daily basis. My HEART is so much better for it. 

I share this all to not seek out sympathy as the “barren one” but 
rather for that woman out there who is wrestling in the same spot 
I was in. Who is doubting her worth because her womb was not 
functioning. Walk through the darkness so the light came come.

 “Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing 
will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, 
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard”. Isaiah 58:8