The Hard Days

*** A disclaimer, if you are not prepared to read some words that have been poking at my heart with an open mind and spirit, please stop hear. This is one of the hard days in the adoption process. 

There are some days where it can be difficult to be in the situation that we find ourselves in. On one hand we are elated to find out who she is and eagerly wait the day where we can rejoice and celebrate in finding that out.

I have been wrestling with the concept of Paul’s life out of Acts.  (It helps that we talked about it in small group on Monday).

Short of the long of it, Paul went from a hard and hateful heart to one filled with Christ. And during his famous journeys in Acts, he was lonely, beaten and left naked in the streets, in prison several times,  been rioted against, countless charges were brought against him because of what he believed, men did not eat or drink because of their desire to kill him, thrown into jail, one of his only friends turned on him and so on. Acts 13- 26.

Could you be Paul? Would you be willing to be Paul? Many would say in present day there is no such thing. We have the grace of living in a country, where indeed we will not experience the persecution that Paul experienced. Most of us will never experienced the idea that someone will not eat or drink until we are dead, we will not be stripped, beaten and left in the streets because we love Jesus. But are we?

This is one of those times while I feel convicted about Paul’s life and think “Thank you Lord that it is not me” at the same time, I feel as though I am feeling similar to Paul.

There are days where when I sit and think about the things that people say about our adoption, (and while I did not think about it at the time) they hurt. The reality is I full well know, people do not realize the implication of what it means. Many folks have said they have not walked this journey so closely with to many people. And so, it is my desire and continues to be my desire to have an honest and full heart about this process.

Since we found out we have been officially accepted by China and await the who, all side have been coming at me. Because of my faith, I know part of it is the state of the human heart but I also know there is a greater enemy out there who does not want the parentless children of this world to know a home.

I have been told that because I am not having a baby………. You can complete the sentence. Or I have been blatantly told that people do not approve of the process that we are going through. They people will struggle with accepting our daughter because she does not look like us.  Or that I am not missing much by not giving birth.

This all taps on a tender heart. It has caused some tears, chocolate eaten but more so sadness for people who are hurting themselves and trying to grip onto something that is such a foreign concept to them.  

While I have a heart that just longs to follow her Fathers plan no matter what. The sacrifice is nothing compared to the sacrifice that was given for me.  There are days where I feel like I have been beaten and stripped in the center for all to see.

Paul talks in Philippians :”Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong”. Philippians 4:8-10

I have begged, just as Paul did, to take the pain away that is involved in this process. Especially on the days that I grow a hard heart to myself because of my body's inability to function. But you see the response that is given.

There are things that Michael and I desire to do, some not even lavish but because bringing our child home is what we have been charged with we forgo them in order to be one step closer. Simple things, like going out to a nice dinner, attend a marriage retreat before our child comes home.  We are wresting through what our life is going to look like once the adoption is complete. What we thought VS the reality.

I do not say these things to make anyone feel sorry for us, I ask for you to pray and moreover be open to what God is calling you to, no matter what the calling is. This process is not just about bringing a baby home but it is also a refining process of my heart. A heart that because of the brokenness in this world needed healing. The process is forcing me to learn the true extension of forgiveness and the freedom that comes with the forgiveness. It is teaching me to see the love that my Heavenly Father has for me in a different way. It has allowed me to see first hand just how HIS grace works and how he is made perfect in his plan.  It is teaching me how to love even if others can’t. The more I dive in, the more I feel as though I am spending a season in a desert and yet that barren land is one being filled supernaturally.

Sorry if I have offended anyone. From the beginning I have professed on this blog that it be a real journey not one filled with just the good, but the bad and the ugly as well.

Tenderly praying for the culmination of this journey,

Jennifer