Side bar....5 years

Five years ago today I said I do. To a man that I had known for 11 years before that. We walked down the aisle, both old enough to be called adults, and yet, both of us not really knowing what adulthood meant until we stepped over threshold of I do. And thus I began one of the most sanctifying processes of my life.

Marriage changed my life, and for those who think it does not, makes me really sad. Marriage is father beyond a commitment, it is a covenant to a life long partner. A covenant that is not suppose to be broken, no matter the circumstance. This covenant is one that requires, at times, a fierce fight to keep it in tact. It is one that can bring great joy, one that can bring a spouse to experience sorrow with and one that requires you have others to walk along side you to keep it in tact.

I went into my marriage thinking my husband would complete me, according to the world, love stories, even Disney movies, that is what he, my knight in shining armor is suppose to do, complete me, meet my every need. Man, was I a broken vessel in need of repair. We both were, and early into our marriage and it showed it’s ugly head very quickly. Thankfully we have both had the faith to walk the road out. Certainly, there were many times that the stress of life could have caused us to go off the deep end. In the 5 years we have been married, a degree has been obtained, 4 surgeries, a broken leg leaving one spouse down for 14 weeks. We have spent three years becoming parents, weather the storm of some family relationships changing for the worse, dealt with parents and grandparents illnesses, watching relationships with friends slip away. We have traveled to the other side of the world, we have become parents to a little girl we do not deserve, we have become debt free and managed to stay that way.  In all of that God was faithful. In all of that God was good. God provided everything that we needed not only in the way of monetary provision, but in a “family” of support. We have learned through this sanctification process what it meant to have safe people in your life, but most importantly, we have learned the value of doing life with those that really want to do life with you.

I talk often with friends who are single in there 20’s, Many following the call of God across the world, and there is a common theme of wanting a husband. As I reflect on the past five years, I could not imagine experiencing all this in my 20’s and surviving it. I was so immature as I look back, I am thankful that I was indeed called to wait. Thankful that God knew the perfect timing, and exactly what I might be able to handle.

So, while things are always not hearts and rainbows, we are better because of the road that we walked. We are not only better for us, but better for our children.

I am so incredibly thankful to all that have walked in the trenches of life with us. Thank you for accepting the challenge from God to walk life out with us both in the great times and not so great times. Because of you all, we are celebrating 5.

And to my husband, thank you for not wilting away. Thank you being your commitment to your faith, which is then brought out into our home. I may not always see it, but it is there. Because of your commitment WE are still a WE. I love you much, and based on how we are dreaming lately, looking forward to see the next mountains that God is going to move in our lives. Here is to the next 5, 10, 15, 20 or how ever many years God will have us be on this earth together.

Jennifer

“Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God's holy ordinance, through which He wills to perpetuate the human race till the end of time. In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to His glory, and calls into His kingdom. In your love, you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal - it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Detrich Bonhoeffer

Continued...........

Continued…….

The past couple of days since I posted my blog, it has been incredible to see the response from the adoption community. I am on a Facebook group for families that have adopted children from China and I posted something on there as a reach out opportunity. The response was incredible. To know that I am not the only one who is struggling with this transition left me speechless and humbled. And, even just to hear “thank you for saying something” or “thank you for putting into words what I could not” allows me to know that God is going to do something through this.

I also reached out to our social worker and she provided some great resources for me. All of this combined has been incredibly helpful. But, it has also reminded me that this PAD as the adoption world calls it, is not just about me. There are so many parts to this thing called PAD. And I am really feeling like God is calling me to share this part of my journey. So read on, if you want to hear more, but if you have nothing nice to say, please stop.

One facet of this process that I have really been thinking about (Mainly sparked by our social worker) is our girl. It is hard to remember at times, that I am not the only one going through transition, but she is as well. Her entire life has been turned upside down. When you think about it….. At and estimated 8 days old, she was abandoned by her mom. She was thankfully found before anything happened and then for the next 30 months she spent her life in the orphanage. (And a fabulous orphanage at that) She had the same care taker the entire time, her life revolved around a set schedule, continuous interaction with kids. The only home that she ever knew. And then we showed up. We met in a hotel, spent a couple of days together, went back to this place and then left it forever. And then about 8 days later we boarded a plane. We landed in a foreign country where her citizenship changed in an instant, she had a new house (With no kids in it) a cat, all new people to meet, new food, a new room that was not filled with 20 other children, a car seat, a wide range of clothes. She had a new mom and dad that she knows nothing about. Frankly she did not know what mom and dad really meant. They speak a funny language that she does not know. (I will say that I am so thankful that I could speak a little Chinese to communicate) But she would need to learn how to trust them because that is all she knew at this point. She tends to spend her days with one more than the other just because the nature of the fact that I stay home. Every single thing was new to her. She had never seen food prepared, never heard I Love You, never been cuddled or knows how to snuggle.

Her ability to communicate was null and void because she could and does not know how to communicate. There is a lot of whining, crying, etc. Which is all her way of telling us what she needs to communicate.

Now, obviously, over time this is all changing. We now get I Love You, kisses and hugs, we read the Bible together and she is learning how to pray out loud. Her English is exploding like crazy. She is coming out with terms that I would have never imagined as of right now.

Any form of food preparation is still really difficult. Preparing dinner is like cooking in a jungle gym with snacks being present just in case the native gets restless. The whining is still present especially when there are no words that she has but we have been using sign language which is helping a ton. I am using less and less Chinese with her as time goes on.

We believe that she is bonding well, but we also see the times where trust can be violated and set backs happen.

One of the things that has kept me up at night has been the fact that someday we will have questions to answer, and we are the types of parents that want to provide answers for her. We do not want her to go through life wondering, we want her to come to us with questions and we want to have open hearts enough to answer them.

For weeks now, people have been very easy going with talking to us and saying that is all part of being two and frankly it is driving me nuts. When you read the above and you see how her first two and a half years of life have been spent, (the years that are the most formative) you can’t necessarily say that this or that is because she is two. There are added layers that come with having children that are adopted. As parents, it is our job to hope, pray and work towards those added layers not destroying her as she grows up but the fact of the matter is she comes with baggage at 2.5 and that is not baggage that many of us carry. So please be careful with that “that is normal comments”. We as her parents know that there are added layers, and we are still in the process of deciphering what is normal and what needs a little extra consideration because of her layers. And it is important that we take these layers into consideration. We are learning and will be for a long time, how to parent her while working around something’s. Not to mention, every single child is an individual.

There have been a few things that we have done in order to not only build security but also to give her a sense of a little control. In the morning when she gets up, we give her two choices of outfits to put on. It works well for her, because it keeps her going through the closetJ And it give her the ability to make a choice in her out of control life. We have also have gotten into mealtime routine with her. While the cooking piece is hard, getting food down and finishing food has comeJ Once our food is ready, and her plate is made on the counter, we have her sit in her chair with her bib. (And she knows the routine). We eat, Michael and I have had to learn to pace ourselves due to the fact that if we finish before her, she thinks she needs to be done and will stop eating. We have also seen that giving her control over her plate that drastically helped our meal time. So we put her plate down, and let her go for it. When she is finished, she will hand us her plate. We do not take it before that. In the times that we have, it has not gone well. We even practice this when we go out and eat. I can see that she has developed a security that her food will not disappear and our meals have become more enjoyable. Also, when we got her she had not started self feeding yet. We have given that to her and allowed her to control how the food gets into her mouth. She has been experimenting, and while it can be messy at times, it has given her a sense of control. Even her little self, needs to feel that some part of her life is not insane, and I think that some of these little things have helped developed some level of trust with her. We also have a 25lb bag of rice on hand and keep stock in noodles. On the days when it seems that she needs a little comfort we have some things that might give her some comfort.

Granted I am no expert, actually so incredibly far from expert. But there is a lot that I did to prepare to bring my girl home, I sought out others for wisdom and still am doing that, read countless books on adoption, bonding and such. I have also spent most of my “career” working with at risk youth and I spent five years working with youth that were grieving. I spent a year living in China, and have made 7 trips since then back. Absorbing the culture was something that I tried to do each time I went. There is a lot that I did not know I was being given to prepare tools that were necessary to prepare for her. But it was a little be hard to see that in the dust of the 30 month preparation. I am beginning to see that there was a lot that was very hard to see in the “paper pregnancy”.

To be continued……………..

Post Adoption Blues.........

Probably not the title you thought might come next. I have been sitting on this post for about two weeks. The more and more I so some research and reach out to people with wisdom in adoption or post partum depression, the more I recognize that I am not crazy. So, after reading many other mother’s blogs about the subject, I step out on a limb.

For 30 months, I fought hard for my kid. For 30 months I experienced the ups and downs of adoption. The ups and downs of paper work. Ordering this document, ordering that document. Traveling hundreds and hundreds of miles to get the documents stamped several times.

Then I fought the emotional ups and downs of the no’s to kids we knew were not suppose to be ours. I fought the emotional time of waiting for this and waiting for that.

For 30 months we pinched every penny we could. (God was so faithful) but it was rough. Lots of energy into the fundraising of our child. 30 months of “we cannot do that because we need to put that into the bank” It can be a bit taxing on the heart.

30 months of questions. Why are you adopting? What is wrong with you? Why not an American child? When do you travel? Do you know who she is? What will it be like to have her not look like you? What about your job? What are your boundaries when you come home? When can we come over? And so on. Lots of questions. Lots of people getting exposed to adoption for the first time. All of this while, perfectly fine, can be taxing after so many months of it.

Let’s not forget the fact that I had to prove my ability to be a parent. I had to prove it to our social worker (whom we love) ,we had to prove it to the Chinese Government and the US government. I had to prove it through multiple medical exams, drugs tests etc…  Imagine, if all parents in this world had to go through that. How many kids might be out of orphanages and the social service system. And then the thought that we have to have some come for the next five years to do a report on us. Seriously!!!! I still am in this game of proving.

And then roller coaster of the preparation. About two weeks before we left, our household came under such spiritual attack. It was an incredibly tense time, which should have been happy. The night before we left, we had roof damage and my poor husband and friend were up on the roof in the dark trying to secure things before we had leaks. I thought to myself, “Seriously, enemy this is how you are going to try and get us”.

Then we go to China, experience and incredible whirl wind of a paperwork, pictures, medical exams, driving here, driving there. Ride and emotionally roller coaster with no time to process.  By the time we were done, we had a very active toddler with no time to transition into toddler hood. No experience of being parents, but we were charged with raising her.  And like that, 30 hrs on a plane we were home.

The home coming was fabulous. Friends and family greeted us very early on a Thursday morning at the airport. It was so overwhelming I was in tears. And for weeks now, we have had meals delivered, people dying to come and meet her. Our home has been a revolving door of love.

Everyone has been so interested in how Hosanna is doing. How is her transition going, what about language, potty training, eating, sleeping, etc…. Which is fabulous. But there is another side to the story. Don’t get me wrong, she has had an intense transition. Life changing forever. But so has this mommy. And if I will be honest, so has this mamma.

In 8 weeks time, I feel as though my creativity that once I thought was a gift, has been sucked dry. In all my years working with kids, I can’t seem to come up with creative things to do with my daughter. I have gone from full time work (which I have been doing since I was 18) to part time work and part time stay at home mom. While many people jump at the chance to be a stay at home mom, I am not to sure if this was the right choice for me. And in August, I will go to full time mom, which scares the living day lights out of me.

Some people have put these glorious labels on us. Oh you have rescued a child, she is one lucky girl, you must be saints, you have a good heart, you are going to be the best mom, you are so lucky you get to stay at home etc. Some labels could be accurate, but other labels, I feel like I am constantly missing the mark on and finding it difficult to live up to.  Which in reality, I should not be expected to live up to these labels. But I try……

And then there is the sneaking out. Of course we are in a bonding phase, but on occasion this mama needs to get out of the house alone. Call is self care, or sanity, but it needs to happen. Unfortunately, we are also in the phase where my daughter screams something awful when I walk out of the house, even if it is just to run. And so, Michael and I are left with stealthy trying to get me out of the house. As long as there is no visual, we are good. But it is taxing on me, and I almost feel like sometimes I am cheating on her.

Of course, some communication has been an issue. Thankfully I knew some Chinese which has really helped us. But it is hard. Hosanna is smart as a whip and is picking up on things quickly. Eating has also been a strain recently. She has been sick, and so has not been as willing to try much of anything. We have been getting creative with her meals lately.

I think one of two big things, that I honestly did not expect after we got home is also hitting me. I need currently my hands and toes to count the number of babies coming to friends. And the gravity of my girl becoming a sibling is hitting me. If God does not change his mind, do I really have the energy for another 2-3 year battle to become a parent again? Which breaks my heart knowing that we desire for her to be a sibling but also with all those little people in the world who need a home.  But in my selfish mind, what I would not give to have a 9 month process not filled with proving my self to people to be a parent. Have to write and wear labels again, it just not something I am up for.

And the spiritual side of my heart. It has taken a huge hit. Balancing the time to work, parent my child, take care of my house, has left little energy and time for sitting in my Fathers lap. Which of course, for anyone who does this, believes in it, lives by it, can be very taxing on the heart.

And of course, fear is another factor. I do not want to “mess” my kid up. I do not want her to learn the not so good things that I did. Changing a family tree is hard work, but on certain subjects it is necessary. (I would bet if you look back, there are things that we all want to change in our family tree), I want o bond with my daughter, and not allow myself to get in the way of the bonding. I want to be the mom that she deserves rather than just another person in her life. And unfortunately, over the time of the adoption, I began to watch other people. I would often think to myself, that is the type of mom I want to be. For example: I have this amazing friend, who is mom to 3 very special boys. Two of which have special needs. I rarely hear her complain. There is this joy that is evident when she is with her children. I thought to myself, I want to be like her. And there are other mom’s to. Unfortunately, the caution flag in my heart did not come up for me, and so initially the comparisons came in my heart and of course I did not meet that self inflicted expectation.   

So my heart is heavy tonight and yet hopeful, because I am able to put some realistic thoughts to the feelings that I have had for the past month or so. I am able to pin point it. And the reality it, once you are able to speak it for people who are willing to stand in the gap then the healing can come. It also saddens me that this is something in the adoption world that is not commonly talked about. Maybe, just maybe there is another adoptive parent who is reading this, or there has been an adoptive parent that could not put words to it.

But when you put almost three years of all the above, and finally get to somewhere towards the middle to end of the journey in some fashion, processing begins. And because I desire to process and move on rather than stuff to have it haunt me later, I write. Where do I go from here? Not to sure, But I know, this blog is the first step.

More to come on Hosanna, But she is doing well. I am including a couple of pictures below that we had taken. The photographer did a great job and I would highly recommend him. http://www.akinsphoto.com

Jennifer