Post Adoption Blues.........

Probably not the title you thought might come next. I have been sitting on this post for about two weeks. The more and more I so some research and reach out to people with wisdom in adoption or post partum depression, the more I recognize that I am not crazy. So, after reading many other mother’s blogs about the subject, I step out on a limb.

For 30 months, I fought hard for my kid. For 30 months I experienced the ups and downs of adoption. The ups and downs of paper work. Ordering this document, ordering that document. Traveling hundreds and hundreds of miles to get the documents stamped several times.

Then I fought the emotional ups and downs of the no’s to kids we knew were not suppose to be ours. I fought the emotional time of waiting for this and waiting for that.

For 30 months we pinched every penny we could. (God was so faithful) but it was rough. Lots of energy into the fundraising of our child. 30 months of “we cannot do that because we need to put that into the bank” It can be a bit taxing on the heart.

30 months of questions. Why are you adopting? What is wrong with you? Why not an American child? When do you travel? Do you know who she is? What will it be like to have her not look like you? What about your job? What are your boundaries when you come home? When can we come over? And so on. Lots of questions. Lots of people getting exposed to adoption for the first time. All of this while, perfectly fine, can be taxing after so many months of it.

Let’s not forget the fact that I had to prove my ability to be a parent. I had to prove it to our social worker (whom we love) ,we had to prove it to the Chinese Government and the US government. I had to prove it through multiple medical exams, drugs tests etc…  Imagine, if all parents in this world had to go through that. How many kids might be out of orphanages and the social service system. And then the thought that we have to have some come for the next five years to do a report on us. Seriously!!!! I still am in this game of proving.

And then roller coaster of the preparation. About two weeks before we left, our household came under such spiritual attack. It was an incredibly tense time, which should have been happy. The night before we left, we had roof damage and my poor husband and friend were up on the roof in the dark trying to secure things before we had leaks. I thought to myself, “Seriously, enemy this is how you are going to try and get us”.

Then we go to China, experience and incredible whirl wind of a paperwork, pictures, medical exams, driving here, driving there. Ride and emotionally roller coaster with no time to process.  By the time we were done, we had a very active toddler with no time to transition into toddler hood. No experience of being parents, but we were charged with raising her.  And like that, 30 hrs on a plane we were home.

The home coming was fabulous. Friends and family greeted us very early on a Thursday morning at the airport. It was so overwhelming I was in tears. And for weeks now, we have had meals delivered, people dying to come and meet her. Our home has been a revolving door of love.

Everyone has been so interested in how Hosanna is doing. How is her transition going, what about language, potty training, eating, sleeping, etc…. Which is fabulous. But there is another side to the story. Don’t get me wrong, she has had an intense transition. Life changing forever. But so has this mommy. And if I will be honest, so has this mamma.

In 8 weeks time, I feel as though my creativity that once I thought was a gift, has been sucked dry. In all my years working with kids, I can’t seem to come up with creative things to do with my daughter. I have gone from full time work (which I have been doing since I was 18) to part time work and part time stay at home mom. While many people jump at the chance to be a stay at home mom, I am not to sure if this was the right choice for me. And in August, I will go to full time mom, which scares the living day lights out of me.

Some people have put these glorious labels on us. Oh you have rescued a child, she is one lucky girl, you must be saints, you have a good heart, you are going to be the best mom, you are so lucky you get to stay at home etc. Some labels could be accurate, but other labels, I feel like I am constantly missing the mark on and finding it difficult to live up to.  Which in reality, I should not be expected to live up to these labels. But I try……

And then there is the sneaking out. Of course we are in a bonding phase, but on occasion this mama needs to get out of the house alone. Call is self care, or sanity, but it needs to happen. Unfortunately, we are also in the phase where my daughter screams something awful when I walk out of the house, even if it is just to run. And so, Michael and I are left with stealthy trying to get me out of the house. As long as there is no visual, we are good. But it is taxing on me, and I almost feel like sometimes I am cheating on her.

Of course, some communication has been an issue. Thankfully I knew some Chinese which has really helped us. But it is hard. Hosanna is smart as a whip and is picking up on things quickly. Eating has also been a strain recently. She has been sick, and so has not been as willing to try much of anything. We have been getting creative with her meals lately.

I think one of two big things, that I honestly did not expect after we got home is also hitting me. I need currently my hands and toes to count the number of babies coming to friends. And the gravity of my girl becoming a sibling is hitting me. If God does not change his mind, do I really have the energy for another 2-3 year battle to become a parent again? Which breaks my heart knowing that we desire for her to be a sibling but also with all those little people in the world who need a home.  But in my selfish mind, what I would not give to have a 9 month process not filled with proving my self to people to be a parent. Have to write and wear labels again, it just not something I am up for.

And the spiritual side of my heart. It has taken a huge hit. Balancing the time to work, parent my child, take care of my house, has left little energy and time for sitting in my Fathers lap. Which of course, for anyone who does this, believes in it, lives by it, can be very taxing on the heart.

And of course, fear is another factor. I do not want to “mess” my kid up. I do not want her to learn the not so good things that I did. Changing a family tree is hard work, but on certain subjects it is necessary. (I would bet if you look back, there are things that we all want to change in our family tree), I want o bond with my daughter, and not allow myself to get in the way of the bonding. I want to be the mom that she deserves rather than just another person in her life. And unfortunately, over the time of the adoption, I began to watch other people. I would often think to myself, that is the type of mom I want to be. For example: I have this amazing friend, who is mom to 3 very special boys. Two of which have special needs. I rarely hear her complain. There is this joy that is evident when she is with her children. I thought to myself, I want to be like her. And there are other mom’s to. Unfortunately, the caution flag in my heart did not come up for me, and so initially the comparisons came in my heart and of course I did not meet that self inflicted expectation.   

So my heart is heavy tonight and yet hopeful, because I am able to put some realistic thoughts to the feelings that I have had for the past month or so. I am able to pin point it. And the reality it, once you are able to speak it for people who are willing to stand in the gap then the healing can come. It also saddens me that this is something in the adoption world that is not commonly talked about. Maybe, just maybe there is another adoptive parent who is reading this, or there has been an adoptive parent that could not put words to it.

But when you put almost three years of all the above, and finally get to somewhere towards the middle to end of the journey in some fashion, processing begins. And because I desire to process and move on rather than stuff to have it haunt me later, I write. Where do I go from here? Not to sure, But I know, this blog is the first step.

More to come on Hosanna, But she is doing well. I am including a couple of pictures below that we had taken. The photographer did a great job and I would highly recommend him. http://www.akinsphoto.com

Jennifer