The Orphanage Visit

So playful

Reading a special book from a special cousin

If any of you have looked at our schedule, you would know that we had an orphanage visit scheduled. After we arrived, I had learned that this visit was indeed to her orphanage and it was more than just a visit, it was a send off celebration for her.

Now, before I type anymore, let me first say I see the value in this. I see the value in my girl who was left at a road side getting a proper goodbye from the only world that she had known. She deserves this in her grieving process.

I texted many last night asking for prayer knowing that I had a large amount of anxiety about today. It has been a great two days with our gal. Bonding is taking place, she does not like when her mama leaves and loves to play with her Baba. But this day, was one that I wanted over before it started.

I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions in my heart.  Let alone was very fearful on how to help her with hers. Having been in children’s grief for a couple of years, I knew some things that we will go through. On top of yesterday was a rougher day for our gal. Something triggered her when we were out and about yesterday that lead her down a path of grief during the day. This junk just got real.

We left early this morning, piled into a van for a two hour ride. Nothing like keeping a toddler occupied in a car without a car seat for two hours. (That is right, no car seat). We drove through some major cities and some beautiful country side. Her city was encased by these beautiful mountains. As we pulled into our first stop, I studied every stress sign I could trying to find the spot her birth mom left her. Wondering if we had passed the spot. Wondering if we had passed her birth parents. We know that a news announcement was put out about her adoption, I could not help but wondered if they had read it.

Seeing her for the first time

We made our first stop, which was to pay our “donation”. I laugh at the word donation because it was part of our adoption fees. This place was the old orphanage. It is now for the government workers along with an old folks home.  We walked in with our red bag full of 35,000 RMB. We felt like we were handing over the world, but we knew in our hearts we got the world in return.

Our first hug

Then we piled into the car with the social worker to her orphanage. It was not all that far away. We pulled into a couple of story building that held 200 children (We were told). There was a play ground out front, it was painted in bright colors.  Everyone was outside to meet us in the drive. We pulled in, got out of the van and they ripped her from me. Knowing Chinese culture, I thought this would happen (Not what I wanted to happen). This mama’s skin crawled, I wanted to walk my girl in there. I wanted to tell her what was happening. But I think she knew. Her main care taker, held her as we waited for the elevator to a large room where the kids eat and such. All the time we walked, my gal looked back for her peeps. She knew.

Our first meeting

There we were in this large circular room, all sat around a table. The kids that were in her room, the workers, the orphanage director, assistant director and someone else I am not to sure. Michael and I sat next to our girl along with Cathy as they spoke to us about how special she is. How excited they are for her to have a family, and how they knew we were going to give her a great life.

We told them of our appreciate for her care, and it was obvious that she was well loved and taken care of. We presented them with gifts, and they presented us with treasures. We got a photo album of her life. It began with the day that they got her at about 8 days old all the way up to November. It ends with a picture of her looking at a photo album that we sent of our family and the toy. They gave us her shot record, along with some more medical information, a video of her and a book that her caretakers made for her. It looks like their favorite pictures of her and a ton of Chinese. (We will have this translated).  Tears flowed as we walked out to see a huge banner with her name and the fact that it was a party so she could go to America.

They scooped her up and we went into her room to see her crib. They put her into her crib which was decorated, along with the little one that they called her sister. They began to feed her dumplings and explained that this was tradition for a send off. Her nanny put a necklace of a jade Buddha around her neck . (Now, before I continue, I know there might be some I will offend in this next statement. But for those who know my heart, know what I am saying.) My skin crawled, I wanted to jump in and tear it off of her and scream, this is not my gal!!!! This is not who brought us to her and this is not who will carry her home. But I had to remain silent. At the same moment I looked over at Cathy, she was holding this little guy who had jumped into her arms. We just wanted to scoop them all up and make a break for it.

We then went in to see the room where she played, had snacks and such. There were about a dozen other children there.  Most had special needs, there was even an infant wailing in the crib. The workers tried to get her shoes and socks off but my girl was not having it. She cried and looked for me. I had been practicing my Chinese over the past year or so, and did not let on that I understood a good bit of what they were saying. So as she looked for me, they told her it was ok. But my girl wanted me, and I charged in to get her. She wanted her shoes and socks but most of all her mama. She knew her peeps.

french fries with dad

We then walked down stairs to see her portrait hanging on the wall twice. It was there with so many other kids that are in their forever home. We went outside to take a group photo. And the moment I dreaded came. They handed her to me, and we needed to leave. The only thing I could do as they handed her was to run to the van. My girl was broken, her heart was hurting she was wailing. The life she knew was a memory in her soul and it hurt. This place that she knew, these friends, these care takers was going to be just a memory. But this mama pressed on without looking back into the van. We both cried together and we went. I could not look back, my girls heart hurt to much. My heart hurt, Michael’s was hurting and Cathy’s was hurting. We all cried as we went down the road. Cathy told me as we went on she saw the workers crying as she left. Again, the pain just got real.

We were smart and brought something new for her so we could distract her down the road. But I think she knew. She is a smart cookie. She loves her new phone from her Aunt Angie. But I could see the pain in her eyes. A whole was cut into her heart and soul that over time will be filled.

This mama however is still crying. I am sitting the hotel room as my gal sleeps typing this with tears. I cried a good bit of the way home, after I put her down for a nap. My heart hurts for her. My heart hurts for the workers. My heart hurts for the kids we left there. My heart hurts for the parts of her life that we missed. I prayed for anything we could get about her life, for her. But for this mama, I feel like I am missed so much. And right now it overshadows the fact that we have so many memories to make.

Through this whole process, the entire hour that this all took place, Jesus was there. He had us covered. HE knew it would be hard, but HE also knew we would turn to HIM. As I walked each step I was silently praying. I have often heard that God will never give you more than you can handle. And I am not to sure I believe that. I believe he gives you more, because your dependence on him becomes greater.

There are so many things I want to tell you about the bonding process and such, maybe that will come tomorrow. But right now this mama just wants to come home with her girl. I told Michael and Cathy I just wanted pizza and to go home. A little comfort. We still have about 7 days left, almost done with the Chinese side of paperwork to move on to the US side of paperwork.

For those who have never walked this road, I wish I could put into better words what  happened today. It is something I do not think I could ever explain properly. For those who have walked this road, and have experienced this, you know where we are at. We know that she will be ok, time will heal her. But we also want to be real that she is going to hurt, question, ask, seek. And I want to be there to tell her.

The picture below are from the past three days.

Much love,

Jennifer

Pictures from today.....

Entrance of the Facility

Her Banner

Her crib

At the table

The Wall of Photos

Her picture as a baby

The group photo before we left

So tired