Where is your treasure

It has been a little over a month since we have been home. It is amazing to think just 6 weeks ago, I was in China getting my girl. Lots of firsts have happened in this month. She has met a ton of new friends, we have had meals delivered that have allowed us to only cook twice. Many dance parties have happened, kisses been given, hugs, visits to church, Easter egg hunt, prayers been sent by her, songs sung, so much life has been lived in the past 30 days.

For this Mama, lots of lessons being taught. There is nothing like the innocence of a child that reminds an adult what they are missing out of in life that steals joy. For this Mama there is nothing more sweeter then praising Jesus with my gal in church and watching her desire to talk to Him increase.  Oh and we cannot forget the dancing in the aisles, who says you cannot dance in a Baptist church.

For me, the experience of being a mom has really put into perspective where to lay my value. But it has also allowed me to see my own selfishness in my heart. I AM an incredibly selfish being. And I do not think, until you devote your hours to a person that needs the devotion, does that realization happen. You do not realize how you enjoy certain things, miss time with people, enjoy the peace in your home, or alone time until a child breaks that all up. So instead of taking a leisurely bath in the evening, you are rocking your little one through a nightmare. Instead of sitting they’re enjoying a hot plate of goodness at dinner, you eat in small bites with your eye on someone else to make sure they do not choke. And, frankly it really does not matter if you get a hot meal. I walk into my closet now, and think, why do I need all of this. Will anyone really care if I wear the same clothes every week. What is in here, could help start the fund to get her a sibling or take care of some other need. The question I find myself asking the most is it necessary.  

Matthew 6:21 has continually played in my head “where your treasure is, your heart will be also.” I hear the same question over and over in my head, is this worth my time, is it treasure worthy. Since Michael and I have gotten married, finances have been one of those things that we have been on the same page on. And honoring God with those finances has been the most important. So, our first year of marriage we spent paying off any debt. Then we spent the next 18 months building up the emergency fund to a 3-6 month supply. Once that was all done, we had this task called adoption. And during that time, we bought a home, paid cash for any improvements in the home, paid cash for some crazy medical expenses, we were able to give and so on. Our focus was on a treasure that would not waste away on this earth.

The selfish/flesh of me once we had gotten home, really just wanted to relax from this. I really did not want to focus on the net big thing, I wanted a season where we were not putting everything we had away into something. But that is not the case and nor it should be. The fact of the matter is, we should NEVER stop evaluating where our treasure is to be placed. We should never stop thinking about where the value of what we do today, will be placed in eternity.

So if you were to come to my house right now, my value is not necessarily in making sure this place is spotless. It is in spending time with my little girl. Playing will only last for so long, I am seizing the time to bond while I can. We take the extra time to model when appropriate as opposed to an instant dismissal. We value time with her just being silly, as opposed to always being an adult. It is time to be a little silly up in this house, as that will go farther then any adult thing that I can do for eternity and the heart of my girl.

More to come,

Jennifer

Cross+ Empty =Redeemed

It is amazing to think that it is Easter. The first few months of this year have flown by in this house. With all the preparations of going to China to get our girl, and then the transition back home, it has been a whirlwind that has flown by. But Easter is now here. Easter is actually my favorite holiday. I love Christmas, love the joy that it brings, I love to give people gifts, but I LOVE Easter. And am also humbled, mainly because there is nothing that I can do or give that replaces the gift that was given to me.

I have really been reflecting (although have not written much down until now) about Easter. Right before we left for China, this household came under such an attack of our spirits. It was an intense battle for both Michael and I. We knew where it was coming from, we knew why, but it did not make it easy. In fact it totally stunk. The joy of what was about to happen was being robbed right out of our hands. I remember a particular exchange where My past, my life before I accepted what happened on the Cross for me was called back and thrown into my face. Who I was before I accepted what was done for me was tossed back at me like there was not even a chance that I was able to be redeemed. But there is a story being written about my life in the Lambs book, and because of that I was able to share exactly what the Cross did for me. Exactly the way it redeemed me, exactly why I am not who I was even last year let alone 10 years ago.

This is the same Cross that brought my daughter to where she is. The same Jesus that hung on that Cross, set in motion, wrote on our hearts for Hosanna to come home.  The same Jesus that watched over her when she was left. The same Jesus that provided everything financially that we needed, and materialistically that we needed. The same Jesus that brought us to and from China, with no hiccups in between. The same Jesus that hand picked her to be in our family. The same Jesus that decided she was to be a Bowden and to trust us for her care. The same Jesus that met us in the darkest hours of adoption, with comfort and love and the same Jesus that is already beginning to put together a sibling.

This is the same Jesus that we sing to Hosanna about. The same Jesus that we tell her about, that we pray to with her, that one day we pray she will trust.

This is the Jesus that on a Friday, hung on the Cross, and then three short days later rose again. The same Jesus that proved redemption to be possible and people to be worthy or redeeming.

Praying that you feel the love,

Jennifer

Security

Most of us do not really put thought into where our security came from as kids. As we grew up, we were secure. It was nothing that we really had to think about as we grew. For most, we were born into a family, food was provided, a safe place to sleep, comfort, loving touches from parents and other loved ones.

For our girl, all of that, what she considered safe, secure, provision has all been wiped away. Her sense of security was wiped the moment that she left the orphanage and met us. It was wiped again when we went back to the orphanage and left again. And it was wiped again when we left China and the life that she knew with us at the time for the life in America. Any sense of security that she has was wiped clean, left with a fresh slate to begin again.

Giving her a sense of security is a process. We make small steps with each passing moments. And on some days, we make big leaps in the way of security.

When we first came home security came with her sleeping in our room. Jetlag came with her waking up at 4am. Little by little security was built in those wee hours of the morning. After about a week, she asked to sleep in her bedroom during nap time. And then, one evening she walked into her room to sleep. And, she slept through the night. Since that time she has continued to sleep through the night in her own room. Now as we put her to bed, we lay on the floor holding her hand until she falls asleep.

She has also begun to allow us to comfort her. Initially she would get upset, throw herself on the floor and wail. She would push us away until she was done. But now she comes to us to be held, loved, whatever is needed.

In the short time that we have been home, she has learned how to give hugs and kisses. She knows that we are her mom and dad, but I do not fully think that she grasps what the relationship means.

You can tell that she still is processing, and we know this will happen for a very long time. You can see that, sometimes the processing hurts her little heart and she is unsure of how to deal with it. On occasion, she will wake up very disoriented in her room like it is the first time. There will be sounds that she hears that will trigger her into a fit. We really can’t identify what they are, nor do we know what is going on in her head. But we know something, has poked at her heart.  I find myself grieving right along with her. Praying over her, Asking that Jesus be the ones that heals hear heart.

It is interesting, that she and I are in the same place in some ways. My sense of security has been shaken incredibly.  Before we adopted, and most importantly before I became a mom, I felt very secure. I am just learning my roll as a wife, I was in a roll at work that was rewarding, and right where I was suppose to be. The labels that I wore (be it some are not where I desire them to be) of daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, niece, granddaughter, friend were labels that I knew how to maneuver within. I was secure, but was I really? This new label that I have of mother, this is a label that has rocked my world. It has made me question everything I know, thought I knew.

Since I was 18 I have had a full time job, have been essentially providing for myself. It is hard to walk away from working almost 20 years. It is hard to put your trust into someone else that is supposed to be the provider. It is hard to be at home and be patient through transition when you yourself is going through transition. And even as I write this, I think about how this relates to my relationship with Jesus. The things that I listed above, are all temporal things. My security was in temporal relationships, temporal situations. My security was in things that could easily disappear. And, so I find myself in a very interesting place of really trying to re-center where my security is. That my worth and value is not found in any of the titles that I hold, but in the relationship that I have with Jesus. So I ask, where is your security found? Where is your trust? And what do you do when that is shaken?

This has been one of my favorite renditions of this song lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pP4vvdiYpY

More to come on our sweet gal. She has learned so much in the past week. And we have had many adventures together!

Jennifer

Week one

We have been home officially 9 days, passing the one week mark and passing it by two. Things have been a little bit hectic to say the least. We have been growing through some major adjustment, learning what life looks like together, getting over jet lag, having a ton of new experiences and trying to get back into some kind of swing.

Hosanna is such a sponge. She is learning at an incredible rate as she absorbs her new life.

·      She can take off her shoes and put them away

·      She loves bath time

·      She knows what it means to have her diaper changed

·      She loves to throw the ball to the dog next door through the fence

·      She is learning what it means to have Baba go back to work and come home again.

·      The car seat puts her to sleep

·      We go for a walk/jog every morning

·      She loves the lawn mower

·      Wears sun glasses

·      Learning what the meaning of no is

·      In LOVE with the Wiggles

·      We have a dance party every afternoon

·      She will try any new food, but does not like it if it has skin or is green

·      She understands what it means to put trash in the trash can

·      She loves to look in the mirror

·      Learned that a water hose can be a ton of fun

·      Loves to swing as long as she is in a lap

·      She says Hi and blows kisses

·      She is learning to look to us to see if someone is ok

·      She had her first Dr visit

·      Got asked to be in a wedding at the end of this year

·      We got our first hugs

We have also been battling jet lag. Up until last night she was sleeping in our room in a pack and play, and generally getting up between 3:30 -4:30 every morning. In talking with other adoptive moms they reassured me it was a season, which I was so grateful for. As the week went on, she asked to sleep in her room for nap time and then last night went into her room to sleep, and actually slept till 6am. So we are hoping for the upswing on things.

We are really glad that we have been limiting visitors at a slow rate. It actually has been one of the better things that we could have done. It is giving her a gradual introduction to people. We also that we have been gradual about taking her places, she gets overwhelmed pretty easy figuring out things like the grocery store. You can also tell that things trigger her. We had pictures up in the house of her when we got her referral, but watching her look at them and her reaction was rough. And because she cannot tell us what she is feeling, we can only act upon her reactions. Of course as she grows up we will not put these things up, but instead bring them out and up, but for now they are away. She does however, like looking at pictures of the three of us together.

So, overall when you look at the big picture of her life, she is do well considering everything that has happened. This Mama however is probably having a harder time. The adjustment to being home has been incredible hard. We worked so hard so that we could set things up for me to be at home. (And, while I am still working part time for a couple more months, it will mainly be from home). People tell me how lucky I am, and cool it is. But the reality is it is a really hard adjustment for me right now. I can honestly say I do not like it.  I know that with time it more than likely will come. With time we will get into a grove, we will be able to do activities together like go to the library, have play dates and such. But she is just not ready right now.

Not to mention this mamma is very social, loves to be with people and I honestly struggle with lack of interaction with adults during the day. There are not all that many mom’s that I know who are at home to interact with and so in some ways I feel shut in.  But I also know that I am being obedient in what I am suppose to be doing. And, sometimes obedience comes with a price. This price indeed will have great reward in the end. 

We appreciate all your prayers, support and encouragement. I thought marriage was an incredible journey of change and transition, but this is neck and neck with that.

Leaving you with some pictures from our final day in China along with this week.

Jennifer