Security

Most of us do not really put thought into where our security came from as kids. As we grew up, we were secure. It was nothing that we really had to think about as we grew. For most, we were born into a family, food was provided, a safe place to sleep, comfort, loving touches from parents and other loved ones.

For our girl, all of that, what she considered safe, secure, provision has all been wiped away. Her sense of security was wiped the moment that she left the orphanage and met us. It was wiped again when we went back to the orphanage and left again. And it was wiped again when we left China and the life that she knew with us at the time for the life in America. Any sense of security that she has was wiped clean, left with a fresh slate to begin again.

Giving her a sense of security is a process. We make small steps with each passing moments. And on some days, we make big leaps in the way of security.

When we first came home security came with her sleeping in our room. Jetlag came with her waking up at 4am. Little by little security was built in those wee hours of the morning. After about a week, she asked to sleep in her bedroom during nap time. And then, one evening she walked into her room to sleep. And, she slept through the night. Since that time she has continued to sleep through the night in her own room. Now as we put her to bed, we lay on the floor holding her hand until she falls asleep.

She has also begun to allow us to comfort her. Initially she would get upset, throw herself on the floor and wail. She would push us away until she was done. But now she comes to us to be held, loved, whatever is needed.

In the short time that we have been home, she has learned how to give hugs and kisses. She knows that we are her mom and dad, but I do not fully think that she grasps what the relationship means.

You can tell that she still is processing, and we know this will happen for a very long time. You can see that, sometimes the processing hurts her little heart and she is unsure of how to deal with it. On occasion, she will wake up very disoriented in her room like it is the first time. There will be sounds that she hears that will trigger her into a fit. We really can’t identify what they are, nor do we know what is going on in her head. But we know something, has poked at her heart.  I find myself grieving right along with her. Praying over her, Asking that Jesus be the ones that heals hear heart.

It is interesting, that she and I are in the same place in some ways. My sense of security has been shaken incredibly.  Before we adopted, and most importantly before I became a mom, I felt very secure. I am just learning my roll as a wife, I was in a roll at work that was rewarding, and right where I was suppose to be. The labels that I wore (be it some are not where I desire them to be) of daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, niece, granddaughter, friend were labels that I knew how to maneuver within. I was secure, but was I really? This new label that I have of mother, this is a label that has rocked my world. It has made me question everything I know, thought I knew.

Since I was 18 I have had a full time job, have been essentially providing for myself. It is hard to walk away from working almost 20 years. It is hard to put your trust into someone else that is supposed to be the provider. It is hard to be at home and be patient through transition when you yourself is going through transition. And even as I write this, I think about how this relates to my relationship with Jesus. The things that I listed above, are all temporal things. My security was in temporal relationships, temporal situations. My security was in things that could easily disappear. And, so I find myself in a very interesting place of really trying to re-center where my security is. That my worth and value is not found in any of the titles that I hold, but in the relationship that I have with Jesus. So I ask, where is your security found? Where is your trust? And what do you do when that is shaken?

This has been one of my favorite renditions of this song lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pP4vvdiYpY

More to come on our sweet gal. She has learned so much in the past week. And we have had many adventures together!

Jennifer